National Infertility Awareness Week

Hi Everyone!

This week has been very interesting but I can't really tell you about it yet. Sorry! Things are in the works! Exciting stuff possibly happening. I can't wait to share it with you all, but for now since I can't, I'm going to tell you about next weeks post.

Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week! It's a week fully devoted to raising awareness and breaking the silence about infertility. This year's theme is "Don't Ignore Infertility." I will be participating in RESOLVE's Bloggers Unite campaign.You will see a blog next week with the title of "Don't Ignore..." My blog will be one of many that will be up for consideration for their yearly Hope Awards. I'm pretty excited about this and I would love to win the award for best blog. I've been trying to think about what to write about for weeks now. Obviously there are many ways to go with that theme... We'll have to see what I come up with.

Leave me a comment below if you have any ideas on what I should "not ignore" next week.

Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Thoughts about the 2012 AZ Walk of Hope

Hi Everyone!

This post is a couple weeks overdue, but I still wanted to let you all know how the Walk of Hope went and share some of my thoughts. I think the day was a success in terms of the number of people there and the money raised. That's a huge deal and I thank everyone who came and supported us in what we are trying to accomplish.

I was very nervous to speak so the morning is a bit of a blur. I was one of three people who spoke and once I got up there I felt great. I really think I'm getting better and better at speaking in public. I never would have thought I'd be saying that. Very strange. Anyway, to be honest, I was a little annoyed while I was up there. As I stood there, sharing some very personal stuff, I looked around and saw people talking. They were having side conversations while I was giving my very short speech! This is one of my pet peeves. I think it is so disrespectful and rude to talk while someone else is speaking. Especially about something so very personal. That was frustrating, but I felt like my speech was good!

Overall, I felt like the event had a very different feel to it than the one in Atlanta last year. I've thought about the reasons for this difference a lot in the past couple of weeks and I'm still not sure I can accurately describe what I mean. The best way I can say it is that Atlanta, Georgia is a very different place than Scottsdale, Arizona. The people last year in Atlanta were so welcoming to me. I really felt like they listened and cared about what I was saying. They talked to me and thanked me for speaking. This year, was very different. I was expecting that strong feeling of community that I felt last year, and I didn't feel it. Now I think there are so many reasons and variables for this difference. I'm not saying that the people who were at the AZ Walk don't care, I just think it's a different culture.

What I've really come to realize is that if it would have been someone else up there speaking, I probably wouldn't have walked up to her and said anything afterward either. I would have done the same exact thing that all those people did. It's an interesting realization and one that has got me thinking that I want to work on being more friendly. I don't smile at people when they walk by. I don't say hi to people I pass. I'm too busy talking to myself (I realize that makes me sound really crazy! Ha), thinking about my own life or looking at my phone, to take a second and greet someone else. The other thing that I've noticed and I think is even worse, is that I will actually go out of my way to avoid people sometimes. People that I actually know! This is slightly disturbing to me and I'm not sure why I do it.

It's all made me wonder if it's true that people in the South really are more friendly and if they are, why? In my very limited experience they are and I want to work on being more like them. It's also made me wonder about our society as a whole. We are all so busy with our lives. I wonder how many other people do what I do and don't even realize it. It's a very interesting observation and something I am going to work on improving within myself.

Here is my speech if you would like to watch it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRCvAC7ZlvY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Thanks for reading and Stay tuned!

~Tonya

The Invisible Pain of Holidays

Holidays can really suck when you are infertile! I wish I could say that I am looking forward to Easter, but in all honesty, I'm kind of dreading it. Easter, like pretty much every other holiday, is very child and family oriented. There's the excitement of coloring eggs, then hiding and finding them. The excitement of the Easter Bunny coming and leaving a basket filled with goodies. Getting dressed up in cute little Easter outfits. Now, I know what the real reason for Easter is, but that doesn't always make it easier. It doesn't take away from the fact that everywhere I look, there are cute kids excited about the day's festivities. It's very very hard for us to witness.

I don't think people always understand the pain I associate with holidays. Infertility is such an invisible pain. It's a pain that you can't see and that doesn't always make sense to the outside world. We didn't necessarily lose anyone, but in a way it feels like we did. I look around on Easter and I see what I thought we'd have. And all the kids and families excited about the day is a very physical reminder of what we lack. I'm crying right now just writing this. I don't want to go anywhere on Sunday. I want to stay inside, lock my doors and forget what is happening outside. I don't want to spend time with family and friends on Sunday. I don't want to watch their cute little kids hunt for eggs! I don't want to, it's just too hard!

And yet I feel bad for even feeling this way. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I feel guilty. It's ridiculous! I feel like I'm going to be judged for not wanting to go out. I feel like people are going to be mad or disappointed if I don't show up. I've tried so hard to put up a good front, to act like being around people's children is OK, that I'm fine, but that's a lie. It's so painful. I feel guilty because I don't want the people around me to know how much it hurts to be around them and their families. Maybe that's my problem. I'm a little too empathetic sometimes. I worry about my feelings but sometimes more about the feelings of everyone around me. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I don't want them to feel guilty for having kids, when we can't. Ugh, it's a vicious cycle of worrying and it's exhausting sometimes. 

I've realized lately that I've been sugarcoating some of my posts. I'm going to try to stop doing that. I'm going to try to stop worrying about what other people think about me. I'm going to try and be more honest with myself and with you all about what's really going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a pretty positive person overall, but I have bad times and this is one of them. 

If you see me on Sunday, please know that it took all I had to get out of bed. If I seem a little distant or like I'm not interested in your children, just know that I do love them and I'm trying not to cry.

~Tonya

What's next?

Hey Everyone!

First, the Arizona Walk of Hope is this coming Saturday and I have been asked to give a short speech! I was also told that I will be presented with an award for "Top Walker" because I raised the most money! Woohoo! I'm very excited about the award and the opportunity to speak again. As you all have noticed, infertility is something I am very passionate about. I want to thank all the people out there who have supported us in any way. We truly appreciate you and there is no way I could be doing any of this without the love and support of all our family and friends! So, THANKS!!

Now, on to the topic for this post. What's next? I've had a few people ask me that lately and I figured I'd just write a blog about it. What's next is that we are waiting. There are a couple of reasons for this, but the one I want to talk about today is money.

I know I've mentioned that infertility treatments are going to be expensive and that we will have to pay for them out of pocket. I also threw some numbers out there, but I've failed to really explain the monetary ramifications that this diagosis has had and will have. The money situation is much bigger than I initially thought it would be. Last year we were too angry to really save money for all of this. I think we were actually rebelling a bit against the idea of saving money for treatments that we believe should be covered by insurance. But then we both started to feel guilty spending our own money! Like we knew we needed to be saving money for these treatments, but at the same time we were angry that we had to save money, so we didn't. It's very difficult to feel like we have to justify spending our own money. After we came to terms with the fact that we were going to have to use a donor and do IVF, we just assumed we would get a loan to pay for it. When we applied for a loan of $25,000 last year, we assumed we'd get it. We have excellent credit and great jobs, but we were denied and they counter offered with a loan of $5,000. Really!?!

After that we decided that we would just use credit cards to pay for our IVF cycle. We looked at what we had and figured out that we could max out all of our credit cards, maybe even get another one, and we'd be able to cover it all. We had some money saved, but most of it would have to go on the credit cards. We would owe $10,000 to the donor agency. The IVF cycle was actually really inexpensive at about $8,000. Of course that didn't include the medication for both the donor and I. That's about $4,000 give or take. Then there was blood work, any fees to my doctors office here for monitoring and then travel expenses since we would be going to Dallas for all of this. I was figuring that would be at least another few thousand dollars. You can see how it all adds up, but we didn't care. We were just going to use credit and deal with the ramifications later. I really tried not to think about the fact that it might not work, that I might not get pregnant and then we'd be in serious debt, without a baby. But, as you all know, the donor backed out and now we are here. Waiting. Trying to figure out a better way to pay for all of this.

I think it's amazing how far reaching infertility is. It really does effect every single aspect of our lives. We don't have kids right now. It's going to cost us a fortune to try to have kids. Does that mean we have to completely stop living our lives so we can save every penny to put towards those treatments? I don't want to do that. I don't think that's fair to us and our relationship. Part of me wants to take advantage of the fact that we are still childless. Now, of course we want children more than anything, but we really struggle to find a healthy balance with money to make that dream come true. I like to shop. Ryan likes to golf. We like to travel. I think we are very good at saving and are very responsible with our money, but then I feel like we are not saving enough, and I feel guilty. On the other hand, I don't really know how we could save up the amount of money that we need. I would like to have a baby soon. I really don't want to wait another 5 years or so to save money for this. Plus, we all know how life works. There are unavoidable situations that come up that cost money. Things like Ryan needing new tires for his car. Is it realistic to think we can actually pay for all of this by ourselves? I don't know.

Honestly, I'm pissed! If infertility was covered by insurance (which is a post all by itself that will be coming eventually), then we wouldn't be in this situation. It pisses me off so much I can't stand it! It's not my fault that I have a disease that has caused me to be unable to have children naturally. It's frustrating that the treatments out there, that will help our dream of having a family come true, are so damn expensive! I think we've pretty much decided that we are not going to ask people for money. It makes us both uncomfortable. We've had some people offer to give us money, or prefer to give the money that I'm asking people to donate to RESOLVE, directly to us, but as of right now, we can't accept it. Plus, I'm asking for donations to RESOLVE because they are working to get infertility to be recognized as a disease that needs to be covered. I can't do that by myself, so I'd rather the money go to them. We are not the only people who are dealing with these issues. There are millions of American's going through similar struggles and they need help too!

So for know, we are focusing our money on the debt that we currently have. We are determined to get the credit cards paid off and I pray that we will not have to turn around and max them out! And we are waiting until at least later in the year to start back up on the process of finding another donor and starting all over again. This is our situation and we will figure it out, but I sometimes feel like no matter what we do in terms of money, we will lose. It's maddening!

P.S. I just found out, after getting our $2,000 donor deposit back, that our donor had a bad experience with the agency that she decided to go to for more money, and is now back with our agency. Ha. It sure is interesting how things work out!

For more information about RESOLVE, go here:
http://www.resolve.org/about/

~Tonya

This STINKS!!

Hi Everyone!

I would like to tell to you all about a situation that happened this previous weekend.

I mentioned before that Ryan and I work for a travel agency. Well, because January was such a good month for the sales teams, Ryan and some of the other supervisors were given a free night's stay at a local casino. We were excited to have a reason to go out and get dressed up. We were also excited to just hang out with some work friends.

One of our co-workers, who I don't know very well, brought his girlfriend. When I first saw her she was sitting down. A little bit later she walked by me and I saw that she was obviously pregnant. My reaction to that was, "Oh man, she's pregnant!" I feel like I should probably explain what kind of sounds like a rude reaction. I have probably said it before, but I really really want to experience pregnancy. Seeing pregnant women is often harder for me than seeing babies. When I see a pregnant woman it is actually painful. It's hard to explain the physical reaction my body has, but it's an aching, empty feeling. It usually goes away just as quickly as it came, but that's almost always my first reaction.

After we said hi to everyone, Ryan and I went to walk around. He played blackjack and I watched. We were having a nice evening and I totally forgot about pregnant girl (that's what I'm going to call her). Later in the evening we came across her and another girl, who we work with, playing some slot machines. When we walked up, I immediately noticed that pregnant girl was drinking a glass of red wine and eating a bag of Doritos. I was kind of shocked at first, but then I just figured that one glass of red wine was probably okay and it's not really my place to judge. I just tried to ignore her altogether. We walked away again to talk to other people. The next time that we walked past pregnant girl, I noticed that she not only had a glass of wine, but she was now smoking!

At that point was when I completely lost it! Thank goodness we were walking away from her and I just saw it in passing because I'm not sure what I would have said. As it was, when I saw that I said to Ryan, "Are you F*cking kidding me, she's f*cking smoking!" I really really try not to curse, but it was such an uncontrollable response. I was absolutely furious! I then proceeded to burst into tears and tell Ryan I was ready to go back to the room. I was totally done hanging out for the night.

Now I've talked to other people who think it's completely wrong and disturbing, not to mention, harmful for a pregnant woman to be smoking and drinking. My reaction was that times like a million. I try not to play the why me card, because really, why not me? I'm no more special than any other person dealing with any other issue. But when I saw that, all I could think was why does she get to be pregnant? Why does she get to have a baby growing inside her and I can't? I was very very upset, we both were.
So what have we learned here? We've learned that smoking and drinking while pregnant is bad. Oh yeah, and it also makes an infertile woman lose her mind!

~Tonya

Arizona Walk of Hope

Hi Everyone!

I've wanted to write this post for awhile now, but being sick and then vacation kind of got in the way.

I want to talk a little bit about the Walk of Hope. Some of you know that last year I participated in a contest that RESOLVE was putting on and I won a trip to Atlanta to walk in their Walk of Hope. I was also asked to give a speech while in Atlanta, which was a huge honor. At that time we hadn't known about our diagnosis for that long and I was just so relieved to find RESOLVE and know that other people were dealing with the same things that we were. Being diagnosed with infertility can be an extremely isolating diagnosis. Unlike other diseases, people are very hesitant to talk about their inability to have a child. Did you know that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples? That's about 7.3 million people in the U.S. alone. Look around, that's someone you know. That's more than just me. But some days, it feels like we are the only ones. I look around and see all of these people I know announcing pregnancies or having babies and it is hard. On one hand, I'm so happy for these people. I've always loved babies and been super excited when I hear that someone is having one. On the other hand, I am horribly, painfully jealous and sometimes even angry. I don't like these feelings at all, but it's such a part of my situation right now.

It's really hit me this week that we are going to be passed up. More and more of our friends and family members are going to be starting families. The feelings of isolation are only going to get worse. Once you have a baby, everything changes. Your whole world shifts and your focus is on the little human being you brought into the world. You see things through different eyes. I want that! I'm not sure when we will actually get that. And watching more and more people we know get that can be extremely difficult. Most of you don't know, but I lead a monthly infertility support group through RESOLVE. I found the support group last year and after going a few of times I volunteered to lead it when the previous leader decided to step down. Obviously it helps so much to be able to get together with people who share my feelings, can relate and sympathize.

Ok, I went on a little tangent there, apparently I needed to get that all out. Oh the roller-coaster of emotions that is infertility! So, you can see how important RESOLVE has been in my life. To have an organization whose sole purpose is to be a resource for those diagnosed with infertility is amazing. They raise money and awareness. They work on educating the politicians and government so that laws will be changed and infertility will be recognized as a disease that needs to be covered by insurance. My dream is to someday work for RESOLVE.

Now, about the Arizona Walk of Hope. RESOLVE and the volunteers here in Arizona are putting on the Walk of Hope on March 24th at Eldorado Park in Scottsdale. Registration begins at 8am and the Walk starts at 9am. All activities will be completed by 11am. This year it is free to participate in the walk. Like last year, I am trying to raise money for RESOLVE. I have set up a page and am asking all my friends and family and anyone who can to donate money to this very worthy organization. I was also asked by RESOLVE this year to make a short video about why I walk. A clip of the video is posted on the Arizona Walk of Hope home page. I will also add a link to the full video on here.

I don't usually like to ask people for money, but for this I am going to. If you can donate anything at all I would really really appreciate it. This money will go to RESOLVE to help them keep doing what they are doing.

To donate, go here and click on "Support Tonya"
http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2012/WalkofHope?px=1990337&pg=personal&fr_id=1080

To watch my youtube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZzx4qF74UE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

And if anyone wants to come out to Eldorado Park on March 24th to walk with us, I would love to have you there!

Thanks,
Tonya

I'm back and I'm 30!

Hi Everyone!

Sorry for the delay in this post. I was going to write last week, but my computer became infected with a ton of viruses after we got home from the cruise, and I just got it back Sunday night. Thank goodness for my brother who knows how to fix computers!

Let's talk a bit about my 30th birthday cruise. It was wonderful! We went to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. I honestly think that it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. We had so much fun! Our group was amazing. I was really able to relax and just enjoy myself. I didn't want to come back home. I think for many people, it can be hard to come back to reality after an awesome vacation. Well for me, it was really hard. Last Monday and Tuesday I was kind of depressed. I wanted to be back on the ship, not thinking about all the hard stuff, just enjoying my family and friends. I'm feeling much better now, but last week was tough.

So, on to the hard stuff. I finally talked to the lady who runs the donor agency about our donor backing out. She told me what she said in the email, that they absolutely do not negotiate with the donors. They tried to reason with her, but ultimately she chose to go with an agency that would pay her more money. She is sending us a new updated list of all the donors. I will look through them, but I think Ryan and I have decided to wait a little longer to do the IVF. We just feel like the timing is not good right now. I'm not totally sure when we will start the process again, but for right now we are waiting. It does scare me some because I think that we will always be able to say the timing isn't good. Life happens and it's messy. If everyone waited until they were really ready to have kids, there probably wouldn't be very many people in the world. It's just so different with IVF. I'm going to admit that I am absolutely terrified to do IVF. I think a lot of people hear IVF and just assume that it will work and the person will end up with more than one baby, but the truth is, that on average, it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant. I'm scared it will fail. I'm scared that I will be too stressed and my body will not respond. I'm scared because we have to rely on a third person's body to respond to the drugs. We have to rely on a third person to follow through and not back out for more money. You can see why it's very easy to want to put it off. Why would any sane person want to do something that they know will cause them so much stress? I know I was so excited when we found the donor, but once it got closer and I had to start making appointments, I was a nervous wreck! Unless you have gone through the treatments, it's impossible to understand the emotional and physical stress. I don't even fully understand. I just know that it is going to be very hard, so we are waiting a little while longer.

Now you know why I didn't want to come back home after an awesome week of not worrying about any of this. But, that's not the way life works. I'm so thankful that I was able to go on such a wonderful vacation! We really did have the best time. Now, I will just take it day by day and we'll see what happens next!

I will leave you all with some pictures from the cruise. We took so many it was hard to decide which ones to share. Enjoy!

Just relaxing

 On the balcony

 First formal night

 Beautiful Ship!

 San Juan

 San Juan

 My 30th Birthday blue diamond ring!!!

 Magen's Bay St. Thomas. The beach we got married on almost 5 years ago!

 Birthday dinner

 They decorated our room for my birthday!

 Hanging out

 St. Maarten

 St. Maarten

 Second formal night

 Lobster night!!

 Dinner

 Hanging out some more

 We're number 1!

 Kisses!

Being silly in the library