Friday, July 18, 2014

Age and the Biological Clock

Lately I've been feeling slightly obsessed with my age and with the passage of time.  I think about it nearly every day.  I think about how I can't believe I'm in my early 30's, or that I graduated high school 14 years ago.  I can't believe I've worked for my current company for almost 9 years and we've been married almost 7.  We've been in Durango for almost 2 years already and it's gone by in a blink of an eye.  It's this constant feeling that the years are going too fast and it makes me feel panicky.

It hit me the other day that I might be starting to feel that clock tick.  I've heard about the biological clock but I've never really thought about it.  When we started trying I was in my mid 20's.  I didn't feel rushed.  Even after the diagnosis I didn't feel any pressure that my time was running out.  We've taken a break the last couple years and I'm so glad.  We've had an awesome time, but suddenly I feel like my time is getting shorter and shorter.  And I can't tell you how scary that is for someone who has already been trying for 5 years.  I'm 32 years old.  I know in the grand scheme of life that's not old, but in terms of fertility it is.

I recently started a second job for a few hours every afternoon in a 2 year old room at a preschool.  I never thought I'd be able to go back to that kind of work.  I loved kids for so many years and then after the diagnosis I had such a hard time being around them.  I was sad and angry and resentful.  I'm happy to say that I enjoy their company again.  I've had a couple moments where I've felt sad, but for the most part, I feel really good and happy.  But this obsession with my age is starting to weigh on me.  I compare my age to every single parent at this preschool. Some of them are younger, some about my age and some are older than me.  I'm intrigued with the ones who are older.  I wonder if they went through infertility treatments or if they were able to get pregnant naturally.  I wonder if they waited till later in life on purpose or did they have problems or did they wake up one day in their late 30's and think well I guess we better have a baby now if we want one. If we ever have kids, that will be us.  The older parents.

I think I feel panicky because we still don't have a plan to go back to treatments.  We are enjoying our life so much right now.  We have other plans.  We are renewing our lease in this house for one more year and then we plan to buy something in Durango next year. We don't want to think about pricey fertility treatments, but at the same time I realize we have to start thinking about it again.  We're not getting any younger and I'm already at a disadvantage because of my old eggs.  I just keep hoping it will happen naturally and we won't have to spend thousands of dollars on it all again.  We don't have that kind of money to put toward it all right now, not with trying to buy a house.  It's such a huge issue for infertile couples.  A down payment on a house is a round or two of IVF.  It's stressful and how do you choose.

I guess right now kids still aren't our main priority and that's OK with me.  I know, biologically speaking, they will have to become a priority eventually.  Until then, I'll just be over here getting older and trying not to obsess about it too much.