Friday, January 31, 2014

It Doesn't Go Away

Recently I've been thinking about being pregnant.  I've been thinking about how exciting it would be to pee on that stick and see that positive.  How amazing it would be to run and show Ryan.  How my heart would jump in my chest at that very exciting news. How I would be beyond happy and completely terrified all at the same time.  I can picture it all so vividly that I actually get excited thinking about it.  And then I remember.

This year marks 5 years since we've been trying.  5 years!  Many of you have had a baby or more in that amount of time.  You've experienced that thrill of the positive stick, of sharing the news with your spouse, your family and your friends.  The excitement of seeing that first ultrasound, finding out what you're having, decorating a baby room, feeling those first little movements inside your body, having a baby shower, the pains of labor and the absolute joy and love that comes over you when you see your baby for the first time. I really want that experience and it's hard to think that it might not happen that way. I'm not really sure why these thoughts and feelings have been popping up the last month or so, but they have, and I've been on this journey long enough to know that I just have to feel them.  I have to feel the sadness and the loss of hope that accompanies infertility because honestly, it's sort of impossible to deny it.  I've been trying to squash it the last few weeks and it hasn't been working so all you lovely people get to read about it.  Maybe putting it out into the universe will help me a bit and I'm hoping it will help the other people who I know are reading this and feeling the same things.  You're not alone. 

It's been about a year since we did treatments.  Neither one of us are at all ready to go back to them.  I'm not sure when or if we will be ready.  I haven't written anything in a long time because we are seriously so happy where we are right now and I just didn't have much to say on the matter.  I've said it so many times, but I'll say it again, I wouldn't change a thing.  Nothing. All of this is happening the way it is supposed to, but even after 5 years and all the unexpected happiness that has come out of our infertility, there are still some hard, sad times.  That desire for a baby doesn't go away.  Even in my happiest times, I still think about it. I've found that it's possible for me to be immensely happy and sort of sad all at the same time, it's strange, but true. 

If you're reading this and feeling sorry for me, I don't want that.  I'm not writing this to have people feel bad or sorry for me.  I love my life.  I'm happy where we are.  I don't want your pity.  I would however like your prayers and positive thoughts.  I would also really really like you to think about those people in your life that could be dealing with the same things as we are.  It's not easy folks.  Be compassionate to those around you. Be kind and loving and most of all, be thankful for what you have been blessed with.  I know I am! 

~Tonya