It’s been a long time. I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for weeks now, and I’m still not totally sure how I’m going to say everything I feel like I need to say, but here goes nothing.
Instead of making you read to the very end of what I’m sure will be an incredibly long post, I’ll share the amazing news first.
I’m pregnant!!! By some miracle, Ryan and I are expecting our first baby in June.
I’m sure you are totally shocked and wondering how on earth this happened. Well, join the club. Ha. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and I still can’t believe it most of the time. In order to really explain the last few months, I feel like I need to update you all on what has been going on since my last post in February.
This year has been kind of rough for me. After our failed IUI’s at the beginning of the year, I just sort of pretended like none of it actually happened. I didn’t really deal with the many emotions that came from those failures. That’s not healthy for anyone, but it turned out to be really unhealthy for me.
In late February I started having abdominal pain and was convinced I had severely pulled a muscle in my abdomen. I even went to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have a hernia. This pain went on for weeks, until it slowly went away. The doctor never did find anything wrong, but I continued to have random flare ups that just made me feel like I was totally crazy. In May and June I started to have panic attacks. At the time I was still working my second job at the daycare, and it hit me that seeing cute little kids every afternoon was hard. It seemed like out of nowhere all these emotions where coming to the surface. I was miserable and would literally panic as I drove to work. I ended up quitting, and for a little while I felt great.
In August Ryan decided he wanted to do a training hike for a 55+ mile backpacking trip that he was going to do with a friend and I decided to go with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love to hike, but backpacking will never be my thing. It ended up being a 12 mile hike and it was so awesome and so so horrible at the same time. I’m not ashamed to say I cried a few times. When I got home that night I noticed what I thought where a cluster of bug bites on the right side of my lower back. I just assumed a bug had gotten under my shirt and bit me. Turns out that wasn’t what it was at all when I ended up back at the doctor’s office with really bad abdominal pain again. I had shingles!! We realized that all of the abdominal muscle pain that I thought I was feeling was actually shingles nerve pain. I was relieved to actually know what the problem was, but seriously concerned that I got shingles.
It was around the shingles diagnosis time that I decided I needed to go back to my naturopathic doctor and do another cleanse. I had gained about 10lbs, was eating horribly and drinking every single day. I also felt like my hormones never really recovered from the fertility treatments. I just felt off in every sense. I had also started to look for counselors because I was really having some major emotional issues surface. I honestly haven’t felt so emotionally unstable in years. I knew that I needed to do something.
My appointment with the naturopathic doctor was Monday, September 14th. I remember at one point during that appointment we were talking about pregnancy, and I looked at her and said, “I know I’ll never get pregnant naturally.” The minute it came out of my mouth I heard how angry and bitter I sounded. I then started crying and told her that I realized I needed to see a counselor. She agreed that that was probably a good idea, but also suggested the new doctor, who had just started in their office. He was a chiropractor but also a mind/body healer and specialized in kinesiology. She really thought that he might be able to help with some of the issues I was having. I love that kind of stuff so I said I would definitely go see him. Since it was his first week there, I was able to get in right away.
On Wednesday, September 16th I had my appointment with the new guy. I was nervous and just didn’t know what to expect. Never did I expect what actually happened. I walked in his office and we started talking about the shingles right away. I then told him that we have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years and haven’t been able to. He stopped talking, looked at me, pointed at my cross necklace and said, “You know anything is possible with that.” I was so caught off guard I just stared at him. He had me lie down on the table and he started doing all his mind/body kinesiology stuff. I can’t begin to explain it all, it’s weird, but so cool, and if you’ve ever been to someone like that you can understand. But throughout the hour long session he placed his hands on me and prayed over me like 3 times. I have failed to mention up to this point that while I was a mess physically, emotionally and mentally, I also wasn’t doing so well spiritually. There was a part of me that kept wondering if it was even professional for him to be praying so much and if it was even allowed. The other part of me thought, just be in the moment, be in the prayers, clearly you need to be here. He was an amazing doctor, and I felt so much better after my appointment. He sent me home with homework. I needed to do some positive self-talk, because I was not feeling great about myself and I needed to do some relaxation exercises. As he walked me to the checkout counter I asked him if I needed to see him again and he just said, “We’ll see.” I thought that was so strange. This was his third day of his new practice in a new town, how could he not want to follow up? Plus, I’ve never met a chiropractor who didn’t want to see a patient again. So weird, but I checked out and left feeling better.
The next day I drove to Albuquerque to visit family for the weekend. When I got home I fully expected to start my period in the next couple of days. It never started. Every day that week I would go to the bathroom and for some strange reason I started telling myself that when I started it was good thing, and not a bad thing. It meant I still had eggs, my ovaries where still working. When I stopped having a period was when I was in real trouble. Until then, all it takes is one good egg. I also started thanking God for letting me pregnant. I don’t know why I did this. No one told me to say that, and it wasn’t part of my homework from the crazy mind/body guy. Although, he did tell me that I needed to believe that it has already happened. That stuck with me, so I started thanking God for my pregnancy instead of asking for it. I also did my positive affirmations in the mirror. I did this every single time I went to the bathroom that week. And I felt so much better. I felt lighter, calmer and happier then I had in a long time.
On Friday, September 25th Ryan and I went for a walk at lunch. I still hadn’t started my period and wanted to get a test. I didn’t feel pregnant. I didn’t think I was pregnant. But I wanted to know for sure. As we started our walk my stomach felt a little upset and I started gagging. I gagged a few times during that walk. I thought I had just had too much coffee that morning and it had upset my stomach. Ryan thought I was pregnant. We got the test, came home and I threw it on the kitchen counter and went back to work. After a couple hours I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to just do and get it over with. I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. As I passed Ryan’s office I heard him on the phone. Looking back I wish I would have waited until he wasn’t booking a cruise, but I didn’t know. I peed on that stick and set it off to the side. It was a plus sign kind of test, and the negative part of the line shot across immediately. I’ve taken plenty of these tests so I’m used to seeing that instant negative. I set it down and told myself that it was fine. Negative is ok. I know how to do negative. I’ve had plenty of experience with negatives. When I glanced back at the test I saw the faint plus sign. To say I was shocked is the biggest understatement. I grabbed that test so fast and just stared at it. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. Of course I had to tell Ryan. I walked into his office, while he was on the phone, and held up the stick crying and nodding my head yes. He got super quiet on his call for a few seconds, smiled and then continued talking for another half an hour before he could actually react to the fact that we are finally having a baby! It was ridiculous and not at all the way I had envisioned telling my husband, but we can laugh about it.
I don’t understand how or why I am pregnant. I do believe that that doctor helped in some way. I believe that God has blessed with him with some amazing gifts and I was blessed to see him. Ultimately, I believe it’s an absolute miracle and all the credit goes to God. I thank him every single day for a healthy full term baby and a healthy full term pregnancy because that’s what I believe is going to happen.
This is the part of the post I have been struggling with how to write. Emotions are weird, and infertility sucks. I want to make it crystal clear that we are so very excited to finally be getting the family that we have wanted for 6 years. But, I have struggled a little bit since finding out I am pregnant. Guilt was one of the strongest emotions that was surfacing before I found out I was pregnant and it remained afterward. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t get pregnant and that our infertility was my fault, and then I felt guilty that I was pregnant. Ha, I told you emotions are weird. I didn’t understand why I was pregnant when there are so many other amazing, deserving couples, who I have met while going through this journey, that still are not and may never be. I felt guilty that we didn’t do anything. We didn’t pay thousands of dollars on IVF or even get pregnant doing an IUI. We got pregnant naturally and it made me feel guilty. We told our families pretty early, and I was so thrilled to tell them, but then so uncomfortable with the attention. After 6 years of trying, 5 years of actual infertility, it still feels very strange for me. We’ve had a few people innocently say things like, “Oh, you just finally relaxed and it happened!” or “You stopped thinking about it and got pregnant.” These comments provoke a very intense feeling of anger in me and for a while I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. I knew it upset me because I wasn’t relaxed this year! I was a mess. A heathy relaxed person doesn’t get shingles or panic attacks. But moreover, I realized that those comments made it seem like it’s been my fault all along. That if I would have just relaxed over the years, we would already have a couple of children. Comments like these trivialize our struggle and it’s unfair. Plus, it taps into the guilt I’ve been struggling with, and brings it all up again. So for a moment I’m going to be bossy and ask that you please don’t say things like this to us, our families or anyone you know who has been struggling to get pregnant and are eventually able to. Just say congrats and that you are happy for us or them.
I had a genetic blood test done so we were able to find out the gender earlier than the normal 20 week anatomy scan. The doctor called on Monday to tell me that we are having a healthy baby and that I could come get the gender results. I went and picked up the sealed envelope with the gender results in it on Monday afternoon. On Monday evening we went into Ryan’s favorite fly fishing store downtown, grabbed a pink and blue onesie that said “I may be small, but I’m a keeper” and asked the guy working the counter if he would open the envelope and put whichever onesie applied into the gift bag that I had brought. We gave him cash and stepped outside. We grabbed the bag and went to dinner. We opened the bag before dinner and pulled out a little pink onesie. It’s a girl!!!! We both knew we would have a girl. We are so excited and it is starting to feel more real.
We are pregnant. We are blessed. We are so incredibly happy, but infertility changed me forever.
Our 8th Anniversary Dinner
Holy Crap It's Positive!!!!
We're having a baby!!
Had to remind the boys
On the beach in Cancun
Baby Neuf Due June 2016
Looks like a baby!!!
Fun wine labels
Our baby will most definitely be a Royals Fan!
Going to dinner to find out what we are having!!!
Is it pink or blue?
It's a GIRL!!!
Boys aren't so sure about a girl....
15 weeks yesterday!