Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Starting Over

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Mine was really great.  We spent a week in AZ with my family and it was so much fun to hang out with everyone!  I was having such a great time that I didn't even have time to be sad about the fact that it's been two years now since our diagnosis.  Crazy how much has changed in those two years.

I've recently been contemplating getting a second opinion.  I realize some people might think it's crazy that I would wait two years to do this, but it's taken me that long to come to terms with my situation.  The thought of going to a different doctor to do more tests and possibly get the same news is absolutely terrifying.  I literally can't put into words how much stress I feel about starting any kind of infertility treatment.  It's so scary. But it's been weighing on me recently and I finally feel like the time is right to go see a different doctor.

When we moved to Durango I knew we wanted to take time off from all of this.  We just wanted to enjoy our new lives here and basically forget about the fact that we can't have babies.  That worked for a little while, but I want children and I can't ignore that desire for long.  At my first support group meeting here I met a woman who works for the two RE's in town.  At my second meeting I met two women who go to those doctors.  They all spoke so highly of them and it really made me want to go see them.  This morning I called and made an appointment.  I have my first consultation with Durango Reproductive on Friday December 14th!

I feel good about it.  I'm kind of excited, in a weird way.  I sort of feel like we're starting over, but with a lot more information.  I will keep you all posted on how it goes.

Stay tuned!
~Tonya

Friday, October 26, 2012

If I'm Not a Mom, What Am I?

Hi Everyone!

I've had a lot on my mind recently and I've been reading some things that have really got me thinking even more.  A lot of people I know have been having babies lately and I keep seeing comments that say something to the affect of, "your life has really started now that you've had a child".  While I know the people who say these things are parents themselves and are just so excited for their friend or loved one to join the parenting club, I can't help but wonder what they think of people who never have kids, be it by choice or circumstance.  If your life doesn't truly start until you have a baby, then what the hell have I been doing for the past 30 years?  It's an interesting thought.

Now I am absolutely not trying to bash anyone here, it just really makes me think about the world we live in and the norms of our society.  I know that having a child is one of the biggest life changers there is and you can't really understand it until you've experienced it.  I also know that it is extremely hard work being a parent and people like to know that someone they are close to is experiencing the same joys and struggles as they are.  I just wonder if those parents out there look at someone like me, who has not been able to reproduce, as somehow less.  Like I am not really living, my life is lacking in some way and I will not be whole until I have a baby.

I have a good friend who doesn't  want to have children.  I remember when I first found this out about her, I thought it was so strange.  I realize now that I didn't even think about the option to not be a mom.  I assumed every woman out there wanted that title.  I think many people assume that about women.  You grow up, you get married, maybe you start a career, but then you have a baby and become a mom.  Some women keep the career after becoming a mom, but others decide that Mom is what they are now.  I feel like there can be a negative reaction to women who are not moms.  I've seen comments that say things like, "Their career is just too important for them to have a baby", or "they are just really selfish, they are one of those women". What does that mean, 'those women'?  You would really be amazed at the nasty things other women say, but that's a blog for another day.

The point is that before I experienced this time in my life where I am a 'non-mom' I thought all women wanted to be moms.  I didn't know there was more to being an adult woman than being a mom.  I can admit that I've had a hard time defining myself since all this infertility stuff started because my goal was always to be a mom.  That was my life's ambition and I never had a backup plan.  So if I never become a mom, what am I?  I'm starting to realize that I'm so much more.  I'm a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, an infertility blogger, a doggie mom and so on.  I also know that when or if we have kids, I will have that much more to teach them.  But until then, I am really living my life, maybe not the 'normal' way, but you can believe I'm living it!

~Tonya

Thursday, October 18, 2012

5 Years...

Hi Everyone!!

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary.  I can't believe it's been 5 years already.  I've been feeling a little sad and I guess, pensive, this week.  I just can't help but think of where we thought we'd be at 5 years.  I thought we'd have one child and probably be working on a second.  I thought we'd be living in AZ.  I thought we'd be those happy, but tired parents.  I most certainly didn't see us living in Durango with two dogs and no kids.

I've been going through our wedding pictures and I feel like I hardly recognize that girl who got married 5 years ago.  She looks so young and fresh and happy.  She was so full of excitement over what she had planned for her new life with her husband.  It makes me both happy and sad to look at those pictures.

I think another reason our anniversary makes me a little sad is because it was around our second anniversary that we decided to start trying to have a baby.  It's been 3 years now.  I can't believe we've been trying for 3 years.  And I wonder how much longer we will be married before we have a child/children.  Will we celebrate 7, or 8, or 10 years without children?  It's strange because I can picture that now.  The longer it's just the two of us, the harder it is to imagine children in our lives.  This scares me a bit.

Obviously my life is not where I thought it would be on that day 5 years ago and I have no way of knowing what will happen in the next 5 years.  I do know that I am married to the most wonderful man.  This whole infertility business sucks, but I am so thankful that I have Ryan by my side.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 years holds!!

Happy 5 years to Us!! \Here are some pictures for your enjoyment! I'm warning you, I had a hard time choosing so there are a lot of them!






























Wow, that was a lot of pictures!

~Tonya

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I'm still here!

Hello everyone!!!

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted.  Today marks 6 weeks since we've been in Durango.  I can't really say I've been too busy to write because, in all honestly, I've been blessedly un-busy!  It has been fabulous!  Life here is so much different, it's slower, way more relaxing and I LOVE it!!  I thought that I would experience some homesickness at some point, but so far, nothing.  I don't miss Arizona.  I obviously miss my family and friends, but we've had so many visitors already that I haven't had a chance to miss people.  And I think that I'm just so at peace here, that I haven't given it much thought.  I needed this.  We needed this.  I said it before, but I had no idea how much we needed to just slow down.  It's truly amazing to me the effect this move has had on our lives.  Did I say how happy I am??

In the 6 weeks since we've been here, I haven't given infertility too much thought.  I did, however, go to the Durango infertility support group last night.  This decision came after a dinner we had last week.  We went to dinner for Ryan's birthday and there was a table of two women sitting right behind us.  I could hear their conversation and it was infertility related.  I wanted to turn around and say, "I totally understand!!  I get what you are saying, and you aren't alone. Want to be my friend?" Ha, but I didn't.  That would have been really strange and I doubt I would have made a friend that way, so I decided to go to the support group instead.  I realized that I miss talking about it.  I miss that shared experience with women who truly get it.  I miss the relationships and friendships that are made at a support group.

I'm feeling great right now.  I'm not feeling sad or depressed or upset because we can't have a baby, but the desire to talk about it is still there.  Since my diagnosis, one of my goals has always been to help people.  Even if to just say, you are not alone, and I will continue to do that here!

And now for your viewing pleasure, more Durango pictures!!

 Backyard View

 Bear in the river!!!!

Same bear after he swam across the river. 

Different bear saying Hi.  

Just walking across the street. 

Me and my baby Kashy 

Blue Moon 

 Ryan's feet while sitting on the deck looking at the Blue moon.

Not the most flattering picture but whatever. Looking at the blue moon.  

 Blue moon. 

 More moon. 

Bakers Bridge (this picture was taken with my phone and I did nothing to change the colors). Amazing place!!

My mom and I eating our burritos at Bakers Bridge. 

Hike. The leaves are starting to change!!! I'm so excited to see this for the first time ever! 

Relaxing by Spud Lake after our hike. 

 Us by the lake. 

Michael loves to hike! 

More beautiful leaves! 

Fall is in the air! 

So pretty! 

Kash and me again! He's just so cuddly.  

More bears!!! I love them (from the deck)! 

Deer in the backyard.  

Hi 

 Kash in the window. He jumped up there all by himself. Such a funny dog!


I'll will try my hardest not to go another month without writing, but I make no guarantees.  I'm just so relaxed here.  Best. Decision. Ever!!!! 

~Tonya