Thursday, August 11, 2011

A little self-assessment

Hi all!

Another 2 weeks has gone by since my last post. It's true what they say about time going faster the older you get. I can hardly keep up. It just flies by. I close my eyes and open them and another month is gone. It's kinda scary.

For the class I am currently in, our last assignment is a self-assessment. Kind of a "where have you been, where are you going, how have you changed since coming to our school" type thing. This has been an emotional assignment for me. I've been going to school for almost a year. I feel like the person who started school last August, and the person who is sitting here writing this, are two different people. I say that my diagnosis has changed my life, and that's absolutely true, but school has also changed my life. I have more confidence since going back to school. I feel like I'm better at public speaking and writing.  Like I'm more interesting and maybe a bit more intelligent now. I said that I didn't want to go to school and deal with infertility, but I'm so glad I've had the distraction. School has helped me cope with this. Being able to write papers, and look at it all from a different perspective, has helped. There are days when, for a few minutes, I forget that this is happening to me, that it's my life. But then I'm given this assignment and it all comes flooding back.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is so important to evaluate your life and goals, but it's also not always easy. Are you where you thought you would be at this point? Have you accomplished your goals? Do you even have goals anymore, or are you just trying to make it through each day? When Ryan and I first started dating, we wrote some goals on a couple pieces of paper. Well it was actually our "shit to do" list. Yep, that's right, that's what we named it. There may have been some adult beverages involved during the writing of that list, but we still have those pieces of paper. Some of the things we have accomplished. Like "go to Vegas", "get married", and "go white water rafting in Colorado", others, like, "go to Paris", "swim with great white sharks", and "have 3 kids" are taking longer to accomplish. We rewrote them out again after we got married, and we did dream boards, with pictures of all our goals. But, just like most people, we have not looked at those goals in a long time. Not since this class, have I really thought about it.

But back to that self-assessment. It's important. It's important for everyone to self-assess every now and then. Life is short, time flies. We all know this. Just look at old pictures. It feels like yesterday that I was running around outside with my friends, buying dresses for the dance, graduating, and getting married. Now I'm thinking about infertility non stop, working, and doing homework, and planning my 30th birthday.  If I've learned anything during all of this, it's that life does not go as you plan it. Ha. It's actually funny that I thought it would just all fall into place. Life's not that easy and I should have known that God has different plans. It's hard right now though, because I feel like we're in a bit of a limbo. We made the decision to wait to do any treatments until school is over and now, well, that's what we are doing, waiting. I don't want to live my life wishing time away. It already goes too fast. Plus I believe I have more to offer the world.

So, where have I been, where am I going? Well I know where I've been, but where I'm going is partly out of my control. All I can do is write out those goals again, and start living my life to accomplish some of them. After all, if God has decided to put this in our lives, He must have bigger goals for us!

~Tonya