Tuesday, January 8, 2013

It's a New Year!!

Happy 2013 Everyone!!  I don't know about all of you, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's 2013.  Very weird.

I'm sure you're all wondering how our doctor's appointment went.  Last time I wrote was to tell you that we were going.  I haven't written since for a few reasons. First, our appointment was on the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting and nothing else seemed important that horrible day or the days after.  Second, we were so busy with the holidays that I just didn't have the time.  And third, I honestly just needed some time to process how the appointment went.

So how did it go??  It could not have been more opposite than the last time we saw a doctor for all of this.  We walked out of that office with a renewed sense of hope.  I'm not going to go into serious detail, but basically the doctor doesn't think my ovaries are failing.  He actually did an ultrasound right then and there and was able to see my ovaries and some follicles!!  He did agree that there is obviously something going on since we've been trying for over three years to get pregnant and nothing has happened, but he gave us the hope that we had completely lost.  We talked about some different treatment options, and I'm not going to go into those right now, but we are excited and nervous and basically every emotion you can think of.

But, while I am so thrilled at this news, I also feel so dumb.  It's a completely illogical feeling and I've been trying to analyze it since the appointment.  I feel kind of like a fraud, like I've been going around for two years saying I have this awful disease of premature ovarian failure, when I apparently don't.  I feel like I should have gotten a second opinion right away. I feel, and this is where it gets really stupid, that all the work I've done to raise awareness and money for infertility, somehow means less because my diagnosis wasn't real.  These are ridiculous things to think and the truth is, I'm still infertile, so it shouldn't make one bit of difference that my diagnosis changed.  But, somehow in my mind, right now, it does and I can't stop these feelings.  I'm hoping by putting it all out there, that they will be erased from my mind!

And while I'm feeling all of that, I also know that I am not a doctor.  I did not make up what was said in the initial appointment.  I was too shocked and devastated to get a second opinion.  And frankly, we weren't supposed to get a second opinion before this one.  We were supposed to be in Durango, with these doctors.  I believe God has a plan for our lives, I always have, and when I look back on the past three years I can see how the plan has lead us here.  I have no idea what happens next.  Will we get pregnant with the first treatment that we do?  Will we still end up having to do IVF?  Will we be that couple who experiences failed treatment after failed treatment?  I really try not to think of the future too much, but it's so hard.

It's a new year.  2013!  Maybe this will be our year, or maybe it won't.  We'll all just have to wait and see.

~Tonya