tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19335560347702191622024-03-13T18:12:03.030-07:00A Baby Would Be Eggs-cellentA blog about our journey through infertilityTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-91749979017879198902019-07-15T13:46:00.001-07:002019-07-15T15:50:03.575-07:00The Animas HouseI will never forget the first time I walked into the Animas House seven years ago. I walked in, saw the view and was in awe. But I also walked in and felt peace for the first time in a couple years. We were right in the middle of our infertility struggle and everything was hard. I was sad, angry, bitter and sort of depressed and the overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness that washed over me was staggering. It just felt right. This was where we needed to be. This was why God told me to move to Durango. This was where our story would change. And oh my goodness, did it ever. (click <a href="https://ababywouldbeeggs-cellent.blogspot.com/2012/07/why-durango.html">here</a> to read more about the decision to move)<br />
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Home is where your heart is. I'm sure you've heard that saying and while it's true, there are also actual houses that have a heart. The Animas House has a heart. It is a very special house. We loved living there. There is just something about the mountains, the river and waving at the train everyday that healed us. It was almost impossible to have a bad day there. If I was feeling sad, frustrated or angry, I'd just look outside and that feeling of peace would wash over me.<br />
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And while the house itself is amazing, the couple who own it are beyond amazing. The 5 years we lived there and shared that house with them were wonderful. They were our first friends here. There were many hours spent in their home below ours, talking with them, playing games, drinking wine and craft beer, and just getting to know them They became like a 3rd set of parents to us. We love them and they made the house feel like home.<br />
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We had so many fun and memorable times in the five years that we lived there. Our biggest miracle happened in that house. Our sweet baby came home to that house and lived her first year of life there! Taking the pregnancy test in the bathroom, telling Ryan in his office, laying in the grass outside on a super hot day while pregnant, laboring on the deck before heading to the hospital, rocking my baby in her room and so many many moments will forever be seared in my memory. My heart and soul were healed in that house.<br />
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Two years ago today we said goodbye to our first home in Durango, and moved to our new one. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I know that might seem dramatic, but you guys, we LOVED the Animas House and moving out was gut retching. I think I cried more moving out than I did the entire first year of Olivia's life. Ha! It took me a full year to feel like the new house was home. And anytime I drove by the Animas House I cried. I felt like I left a part of myself there. It seems so silly to be so emotional over a house, but I missed it so much.<br />
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But God had a plan, as he does, and today we signed the papers to purchase the Animas House!! We've been living back here for two weeks now and every single day I wake up and see the view, I have to pinch myself. It's an absolute dream come true! Watching Olivia run into the yard and wave at the train every day brings tears to my eyes. Our baby came home to this house and she will now grow up in this amazing home! The emotion this brings is absolutely overwhelming.<br />
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It's so crazy to think of our story over the past 7 years. I would not change one single thing about it. We are SO blessed and we are HOME!!!!<br />
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~Tonya, Ryan and Olivia<br />
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The Train!</div>
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Olivia and Grandma waving!</div>
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Olivia and Paula (the previous owner) waving!</div>
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Just enjoying the view together. </div>
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First day back! Feels SO good!</div>
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Waving!! </div>
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Mommy and Olivia just relaxing in the grass!</div>
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Just got done signing the papers!!!! </div>
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-45422162131117384782019-03-22T14:43:00.000-07:002019-03-22T14:50:49.648-07:00Infertility Take TwoToday we dropped off almost of all of Olivia's baby stuff at the fair grounds for a huge consignment sale that's happening this weekend. I've spent the last week and a half going through all her clothes and tagging them for this sale. It's been a weird, emotional week. In my head I know they are just material things and in the grand scheme of life, not important. But you guys, I'm really sad about it. And it's taken me until this very moment to really understand why. Obviously, it's super bittersweet looking through all the baby stuff and always makes me a little emotional. She's growing so stinking fast!! It's unreal. But, the real pain is the realization that by getting rid of all her baby things, I'm basically giving up the dream of having a second baby. That's a very hard pill to swallow. I saved those clothes just in case we had a second baby. Her infant car seat sat in the garage, because it can be used if we have a second baby. The bassinet, the jumperoo, the rock 'n play, you name it, we saved it. We kept it all...just in case. But here's the thing, I don't think we're going to have a second baby and that kind of breaks my heart a little bit. Olivia would be the best big sister. She's so kind and sweet and the thought of not being able to give her a sibling makes me feel awful. I dread the day when she starts asking for a baby brother or sister. I mean, most of her friends have baby siblings, why wouldn't she wonder where hers is?<br />
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Infertility the second time around has been different. I figured it would be, but you never really understand until you experience it. The pain is different. It's sporadic. I don't have the same amount of thought to give to it. I'm busy. I work. I have a toddler. Some days the thought of adding another baby feels exhausting. But what I've realized is that just because my brain isn't consciously obsessing about getting pregnant, that doesn't mean it's not there, under the surface. This is different than the first time. The pain is still there. The heartache is still there. The roller coaster ride that is infertility is still there. I just can't give it the time it deserves, because I don't have the time to give. So it festers and builds and I find that while I was so open, honest and in tune with myself the first time around, I'm really not now. I don't like it because I feel like I'm unable to put my feelings into words. I just can't quite figure myself out right now. It's unsettling.<br />
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We made the decision a long time ago that we will not do any kind of treatments again. They didn't work. They are expensive and so stressful. My body was already at a big disadvantage and the recent years haven't helped. Lately my cycle has gotten so messed up that I'm currently taking birth control to try to regulate it. Talk about the exact opposite of what we are wanting! It's only 2 months and I'm hopeful it will be enough, but who knows? What I do know is that combining birth control, with getting rid of all of the baby stuff is making me incredibly emotional and I thought it was a good time to finally sit down and share it all.<br />
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I know this post is a little all over the place, but welcome to my mind right now.<br />
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Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.<br />
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~Tonya<br />
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-75499968991763081442018-08-21T16:41:00.001-07:002018-08-21T16:41:48.669-07:00Change is HardI had a little breakdown last week. It wasn't pretty. Ryan told me that I should probably go talk to someone. He's probably right.<br />
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I shared a couple weeks ago about my desire for a second baby. I have such a hard time describing my feelings about this. I want another baby so badly, but then sometimes I don't know if I want another baby. It's confusing and it's hard for me to figure out, so tying to explain it to someone else or write it down for all of you is very hard. I'm sure I'll delve into all that more in the future, but that's not what this post is about. This is a post about intense emotions and feelings of failure, some of which I'm sure come from the above confusion.<br />
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So, back to my breakdown. Over the past couple months I've been in a funk. I've known it, I've felt it but I didn't totally know what to do to get out of it. I haven't been working out, I've been eating horribly, I'm about 30 lbs heavier that I want to be, I'm drinking way more wine than I should, watching way too much TV and I feel as though my parenting could be way better. Basically, I'm being an absolute negative nelly. You'd think it would be easy to just start working out, eating better, watching less TV and stop drinking so much wine, but change is ridiculously hard.<br />
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Last week I listened to "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis because she is speaking at the Rodan + Fields convention in September and I wanted to know what to expect. I recommend everyone listen to or read this book. It pretty much held a mirror up to my life and forced me to acknowledge that I was the ONLY person who could do anything about how I was feeling. All of a sudden everything became clear, I was failing at everything in my life. Now, writing that feels harsh and mean and I would NEVER say that to another person, but that's how I felt last Tuesday. I felt like I pretty much sucked at everything. I was doing everything half-assed. It was a slap in the face! Feeling like you completely suck at life is a super shitty feeling! Now you're probably thinking, "Why on earth would I want to read a book that gave you that reaction?" but I promise you, it's amazing. It's amazing because it was true. Obviously, I was being incredibly harsh on myself and I have a habit of negative self talk so that's the direction I went, but the fact is, I wasn't doing things to the best of my ability. Period. That's fact. But with that knowledge, I became instantly overwhelmed. I felt like I had a list a mile long of stuff to do and things to change. It was too much and I kind of lost it. Cue the ugly tears and Ryan looking at me with loving concern telling me I needed to talk to someone because he didn't know how to help me. I was sort of a mess.<br />
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As I said earlier, change is crazy hard! You can know what you need to do to feel better, but actually getting yourself to take the steps can seem impossible. That's been me the past few months. I knew there were things I needed to do, but the thought of doing them was just too much, so I didn't. This isn't a post about how I magically fixed my life in a week. Far from it! I have made some minor adjustments this past week though and I'm starting to feel like I'm slowly digging myself out of the rut instead of digging myself deeper. I've realized that little changes can make a world of difference AND that giving myself grace and acknowledging my wins is so much more effective than focusing on the the things I didn't do. There's a lot to be said about mindset and positive self talk! And you know what? Even though taking a conscious look at your life can be so hard and uncomfortable, it's such a good thing to do. Self reflection and personal growth are so important and I believe everyone should be doing a little more of it. I don't think my breakdown last week was bad, it was a wonderful release and reset and now I feel ready to do what I need to do! It won't happen over night but every step in the right direction is a little win toward the bigger one!<br />
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I wanted to share a few of my current goals. They aren't huge, but they are small things that are already starting to make a difference.<br />
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1. Get up at 6 am and spend an hour of me time before I start my day.<br />
2. Move my body at least 30 minutes a day. Yoga, walking/jogging, dancing in the living room with Olivia, playing outside. Just get up and be active!<br />
3. Drink more water!! Half my body weight in ounces to be exact.<br />
4. Read the Bible every day.<br />
5. Write down 10 things each day that I am grateful for. 10 things that happened that day.<br />
6. Limit my TV watching.<br />
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Some of these are easier than others to accomplish but I'm trying and I feel like it's working. I'm feeling much better. Do I still struggle? Of course! You guys, life is sometimes hard and stressful, and I have to constantly remind myself about the things that I did accomplish when I feel guilty about not doing everything! I'm most definitely a work in progress, but aren't we all!<br />
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~Tonya<br />
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-19641515430816214392018-08-08T18:50:00.001-07:002018-08-08T18:52:37.022-07:00A second would be eggs-cellent!Hi Everyone!! Holy Cow it's been a long time! Almost 3 years since I last wrote a post. I've thought about writing a blog so many times during the last few years, but I honestly felt a little weird. Without going into too much detail, because this is not what this post is about, I struggled with intense feelings of guilt during much of my pregnancy, which stopped me from writing. I just felt like I suddenly didn't have a voice in the infertility world anymore, like I was a traitor to the cause. I've met so many wonderful, deserving people through the years and wrapping my head around the fact that we were blessed with a baby and they haven't been, was, and still is, hard. Ultimately, I've been coming to the understanding that having a baby does not negate our infertility journey.<br />
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So, you might be wondering what this post is actually about. It's about wanting a second baby. For many people who have been blessed with one child, the voiced desire and possible struggle to have a second (or third, or fourth) child can bring about a negative reaction. They may hear multiple variations of, "Well at least you have one baby! You should be happy with that!" This always bugged me before I had Olivia and still bugs me now. In my experience, the people who voiced struggles after having one child didn't receive the same kind of support as those who had none and were struggling to have their first. This, added to the feelings of guilt, has been another reason I have been kind of quiet about it all. Shouldn't we just be happy with one? Don't get me wrong, we are over the moon thrilled with our little family, but it's starting to feel like it might not be totally complete.<br />
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When we were first married, our dream family always involved at least two children. That dream took a slight detour, but it's still there. We would love to have another baby, but I have no idea if we will be blessed with a second one. I go back and forth on feeling ready to even have a second child. Olivia is two and toddlers are hard. Some days the thought of adding an infant to the mix is very overwhelming. But then I watch her as she grows up and I have moments of such intense sadness because I don't know if I'm going to get to do it again. Will I get to be pregnant again? Will I get to nurse a baby in the middle of the night again? Or smell that wonderful newborn smell of my baby? As I go through all the little clothes that she's grown out of, I wonder if we will ever have another baby to fill those onsies and sleepers. That unknown is making me feel things that I haven't had time to feel in the last few years. It's bringing up some of those hard infertility feelings that got pushed way back when we had Olivia.<br />
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Here's the truth. We are on month nine of no birth control. Nine months have gone by without us doing anything to prevent a pregnancy and nothing has happened. We definitely aren't doing any ovulation kits or temp taking or anything like that, but we are not preventing at all. And even though I am a busy mom of a toddler, and I can do a great job of pushing down these feelings, they are starting to bubble to the surface lately. I feel a little more anxious than normal and a little more sad and down. I haven't truly been able to pinpoint it until I saw Olivia with a friends baby, and it hit me all at once. Having another child isn't just about Ryan and I wanting to create that family we originally dreamed of, it's about giving Olivia the opportunity to be a big sister. She would make the BEST big sister in the world. She LOVES babies. She's such a little nurturing, loving, caring, kind girl and it hurts my heart that she might not get that opportunity. She would love a little brother or sister and I pray that she gets one. Part of me feels like she will, but then part of me just doesn't know, and the unknown is making it hard.<br />
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So, for anyone curious if we are going to have a second or if we are trying, here's your answer.... I have no idea and it kind of sucks!<br />
<br />
~Tonya<br />
<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-72086444442793806042015-12-11T17:17:00.000-07:002015-12-11T17:17:30.338-07:00Our Bumpy Ride<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hi Everyone!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s been a long time. I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for weeks now, and I’m still not totally sure how I’m going to say everything I feel like I need to say, but here goes nothing. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Instead of making you read to the very end of what I’m sure will be an incredibly long post, I’ll share the amazing news first. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m pregnant!!! By some miracle, Ryan and I are expecting our first baby in June. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m sure you are totally shocked and wondering how on earth this happened. Well, join the club. Ha. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and I still can’t believe it most of the time. In order to really explain the last few months, I feel like I need to update you all on what has been going on since my last post in February.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This year has been kind of rough for me. After our failed IUI’s at the beginning of the year, I just sort of pretended like none of it actually happened. I didn’t really deal with the many emotions that came from those failures. That’s not healthy for anyone, but it turned out to be really unhealthy for me. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In late February I started having abdominal pain and was convinced I had severely pulled a muscle in my abdomen. I even went to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have a hernia. This pain went on for weeks, until it slowly went away. The doctor never did find anything wrong, but I continued to have random flare ups that just made me feel like I was totally crazy. In May and June I started to have panic attacks. At the time I was still working my second job at the daycare, and it hit me that seeing cute little kids every afternoon was hard. It seemed like out of nowhere all these emotions where coming to the surface. I was miserable and would literally panic as I drove to work. I ended up quitting, and for a little while I felt great. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In August Ryan decided he wanted to do a training hike for a 55+ mile backpacking trip that he was going to do with a friend and I decided to go with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love to hike, but backpacking will never be my thing. It ended up being a 12 mile hike and it was so awesome and so so horrible at the same time. I’m not ashamed to say I cried a few times. When I got home that night I noticed what I thought where a cluster of bug bites on the right side of my lower back. I just assumed a bug had gotten under my shirt and bit me. Turns out that wasn’t what it was at all when I ended up back at the doctor’s office with really bad abdominal pain again. I had shingles!! We realized that all of the abdominal muscle pain that I thought I was feeling was actually shingles nerve pain. I was relieved to actually know what the problem was, but seriously concerned that I got shingles. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was around the shingles diagnosis time that I decided I needed to go back to my naturopathic doctor and do another cleanse. I had gained about 10lbs, was eating horribly and drinking every single day. I also felt like my hormones never really recovered from the fertility treatments. I just felt off in every sense. I had also started to look for counselors because I was really having some major emotional issues surface. I honestly haven’t felt so emotionally unstable in years. I knew that I needed to do something. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My appointment with the naturopathic doctor was Monday, September 14</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 8.799999999999999px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">th</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I remember at one point during that appointment we were talking about pregnancy, and I looked at her and said, “I know I’ll never get pregnant naturally.” The minute it came out of my mouth I heard how angry and bitter I sounded. I then started crying and told her that I realized I needed to see a counselor. She agreed that that was probably a good idea, but also suggested the new doctor, who had just started in their office. He was a chiropractor but also a mind/body healer and specialized in kinesiology. She really thought that he might be able to help with some of the issues I was having. I love that kind of stuff so I said I would definitely go see him. Since it was his first week there, I was able to get in right away. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On Wednesday, September 16</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 8.799999999999999px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">th</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I had my appointment with the new guy. I was nervous and just didn’t know what to expect. Never did I expect what actually happened. I walked in his office and we started talking about the shingles right away. I then told him that we have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years and haven’t been able to. He stopped talking, looked at me, pointed at my cross necklace and said, “You know anything is possible with that.” I was so caught off guard I just stared at him. He had me lie down on the table and he started doing all his mind/body kinesiology stuff. I can’t begin to explain it all, it’s weird, but so cool, and if you’ve ever been to someone like that you can understand. But throughout the hour long session he placed his hands on me and prayed over me like 3 times. I have failed to mention up to this point that while I was a mess physically, emotionally and mentally, I also wasn’t doing so well spiritually. There was a part of me that kept wondering if it was even professional for him to be praying so much and if it was even allowed. The other part of me thought, just be in the moment, be in the prayers, clearly you need to be here. He was an amazing doctor, and I felt so much better after my appointment. He sent me home with homework. I needed to do some positive self-talk, because I was not feeling great about myself and I needed to do some relaxation exercises. As he walked me to the checkout counter I asked him if I needed to see him again and he just said, “We’ll see.” I thought that was so strange. This was his third day of his new practice in a new town, how could he not want to follow up? Plus, I’ve never met a chiropractor who didn’t want to see a patient again. So weird, but I checked out and left feeling better. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The next day I drove to Albuquerque to visit family for the weekend. When I got home I fully expected to start my period in the next couple of days. It never started. Every day that week I would go to the bathroom and for some strange reason I started telling myself that when I started it was good thing, and not a bad thing. It meant I still had eggs, my ovaries where still working. When I stopped having a period was when I was in real trouble. Until then, all it takes is one good egg. I also started thanking God for letting me pregnant. I don’t know why I did this. No one told me to say that, and it wasn’t part of my homework from the crazy mind/body guy. Although, he did tell me that I needed to believe that it has already happened. That stuck with me, so I started thanking God for my pregnancy instead of asking for it. I also did my positive affirmations in the mirror. I did this every single time I went to the bathroom that week. And I felt so much better. I felt lighter, calmer and happier then I had in a long time. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On Friday, September 25</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 8.799999999999999px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">th</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Ryan and I went for a walk at lunch. I still hadn’t started my period and wanted to get a test. I didn’t feel pregnant. I didn’t think I was pregnant. But I wanted to know for sure. As we started our walk my stomach felt a little upset and I started gagging. I gagged a few times during that walk. I thought I had just had too much coffee that morning and it had upset my stomach. Ryan thought I was pregnant. We got the test, came home and I threw it on the kitchen counter and went back to work. After a couple hours I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to just do and get it over with. I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. As I passed Ryan’s office I heard him on the phone. Looking back I wish I would have waited until he wasn’t booking a cruise, but I didn’t know. I peed on that stick and set it off to the side. It was a plus sign kind of test, and the negative part of the line shot across immediately. I’ve taken plenty of these tests so I’m used to seeing that instant negative. I set it down and told myself that it was fine. Negative is ok. I know how to do negative. I’ve had plenty of experience with negatives. When I glanced back at the test I saw the faint plus sign. To say I was shocked is the biggest understatement. I grabbed that test so fast and just stared at it. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. Of course I had to tell Ryan. I walked into his office, while he was on the phone, and held up the stick crying and nodding my head yes. He got super quiet on his call for a few seconds, smiled and then continued talking for another half an hour before he could actually react to the fact that we are finally having a baby! It was ridiculous and not at all the way I had envisioned telling my husband, but we can laugh about it. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t understand how or why I am pregnant. I do believe that that doctor helped in some way. I believe that God has blessed with him with some amazing gifts and I was blessed to see him. Ultimately, I believe it’s an absolute miracle and all the credit goes to God. I thank him every single day for a healthy full term baby and a healthy full term pregnancy because that’s what I believe is going to happen. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is the part of the post I have been struggling with how to write. Emotions are weird, and infertility sucks. I want to make it crystal clear that we are so very excited to finally be getting the family that we have wanted for 6 years. But, I have struggled a little bit since finding out I am pregnant. Guilt was one of the strongest emotions that was surfacing before I found out I was pregnant and it remained afterward. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t get pregnant and that our infertility was my fault, and then I felt guilty that I was pregnant. Ha, I told you emotions are weird. I didn’t understand why I was pregnant when there are so many other amazing, deserving couples, who I have met while going through this journey, that still are not and may never be. I felt guilty that we didn’t do anything. We didn’t pay thousands of dollars on IVF or even get pregnant doing an IUI. We got pregnant naturally and it made me feel guilty. We told our families pretty early, and I was so thrilled to tell them, but then so uncomfortable with the attention. After 6 years of trying, 5 years of actual infertility, it still feels very strange for me. We’ve had a few people innocently say things like, “Oh, you just finally relaxed and it happened!” or “You stopped thinking about it and got pregnant.” These comments provoke a very intense feeling of anger in me and for a while I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. I knew it upset me because I wasn’t relaxed this year! I was a mess. A heathy relaxed person doesn’t get shingles or panic attacks. But moreover, I realized that those comments made it seem like it’s been my fault all along. That if I would have just relaxed over the years, we would already have a couple of children. Comments like these trivialize our struggle and it’s unfair. Plus, it taps into the guilt I’ve been struggling with, and brings it all up again. So for a moment I’m going to be bossy and ask that you please don’t say things like this to us, our families or anyone you know who has been struggling to get pregnant and are eventually able to. Just say congrats and that you are happy for us or them. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.3800000000000001; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had a genetic blood test done so we were able to find out the gender earlier than the normal 20 week anatomy scan. The doctor called on Monday to tell me that we are having a healthy baby and that I could come get the gender results. I went and picked up the sealed envelope with the gender results in it on Monday afternoon. On Monday evening we went into Ryan’s favorite fly fishing store downtown, grabbed a pink and blue onesie that said “I may be small, but I’m a keeper” and asked the guy working the counter if he would open the envelope and put whichever onesie applied into the gift bag that I had brought. We gave him cash and stepped outside. We grabbed the bag and went to dinner. We opened the bag before dinner and pulled out a little pink onesie. It’s a girl!!!! We both knew we would have a girl. We are so excited and it is starting to feel more real.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-68cdf5d7-935b-38a9-e8f6-5ab27ee493c1"></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We are pregnant. We are blessed. We are so incredibly happy, but infertility changed me forever.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGEy28A2nQGcYS-GtUyMB2kcdzV1Jln_qWW3-Wo9bPXdrdN32nufLLFuDUbkMNJXfVFdFWlna44bnpQyujwq5K51ekWv-0t-vh6_IG4dqtYQXalKw2DESsnz93mcdjRygJ7N1ZE59qN2_H/s1600/HOF+and+Cancun+303.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGEy28A2nQGcYS-GtUyMB2kcdzV1Jln_qWW3-Wo9bPXdrdN32nufLLFuDUbkMNJXfVFdFWlna44bnpQyujwq5K51ekWv-0t-vh6_IG4dqtYQXalKw2DESsnz93mcdjRygJ7N1ZE59qN2_H/s320/HOF+and+Cancun+303.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Our 8th Anniversary Dinner</div>
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Holy Crap It's Positive!!!!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpwhG1nw2vew1UvKm62Uo5_02-VDEFzkQgRX3LmgXnyRYy3lyip20W2gJJ6LmruQHNjzl2I_aJxSOKXH55X6l8hu6zO4_vr3Eb2RzGltnShqzW_705orVvjUXdD3xnBS64hXN87qTLSBoM/s1600/HOF+and+Cancun+256.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpwhG1nw2vew1UvKm62Uo5_02-VDEFzkQgRX3LmgXnyRYy3lyip20W2gJJ6LmruQHNjzl2I_aJxSOKXH55X6l8hu6zO4_vr3Eb2RzGltnShqzW_705orVvjUXdD3xnBS64hXN87qTLSBoM/s320/HOF+and+Cancun+256.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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We're having a baby!!</div>
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Had to remind the boys</div>
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8 week!</div>
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On the beach in Cancun</div>
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Baby Neuf Due June 2016</div>
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Cancun</div>
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13w4d</div>
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Looks like a baby!!! </div>
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Fun wine labels </div>
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Cheers!</div>
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Our baby will most definitely be a Royals Fan!</div>
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Going to dinner to find out what we are having!!!</div>
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Is it pink or blue?</div>
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PINK!!</div>
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It's a GIRL!!!</div>
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So happy!</div>
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Boys aren't so sure about a girl....</div>
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15 weeks yesterday!</div>
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Merry Christmas!</div>
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Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-71980597741104544892015-02-10T20:52:00.000-07:002015-02-10T20:52:22.468-07:00SadThe second IUI cycle didn't work. We are not pregnant, yet again. Not really a huge surprise, but a massive blow. I'm taking this negative very hard.<br />
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I had such high hopes. I went into this whole IUI journey feeling so sure this was our path. We'd taken a break. The last two years have been so amazing, but I always secretly hoped that we'd get pregnant naturally. That all that bullshit advice I get from people would actually work. You know the ones, "just stop thinking about it and it will happen", or "go on vacation and relax and you'll get pregnant", or one of my personal favorites, "just get drunk and have sex". Well, we stopped thinking about it for two years. Our lives are basically like vacation, we live almost completely stress free and it's great. And we do enjoy going out and drinking a little too much every now and then. But none of that worked. We didn't get pregnant naturally, so when I felt so sure and at peace with the decision to go ahead and start treatments again, I really hoped it would work.<br />
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When the first cycle failed, I looked at the timing of the second one and I liked it. I thought it seemed like such good luck. Most people wouldn't think getting inseminated on your birthday would be fun, but I figured if I have to do this, what a great day. I was bad and looked at a due date calculator to see when we'd be due when it worked. I felt so sure it would. We would have been due on our anniversary. I thought that was just so perfect. And most of all, the sweet baby who sort of started me on this journey was visiting us during the second cycle. I had a full week of holding and snuggling the perfect baby and hoped my body would respond positively to that. I just really felt like it was all so perfect and right.<br />
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Unfortunately, the second cycle didn't go as planned. I didn't respond well to the drugs at all. I had to have 3 extra hormone shots just to get my one single follicle big enough to ovulate. It took longer than expected so I wasn't inseminated on my birthday, it was on a Monday. Even though the cycle was so stressful, I still had hope. I still thought it would work. It just had too.<br />
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Yesterday was supposed to be my test day. They tell you when to take a pregnancy test and then to call them with the results. I started my period on Saturday. I didn't even make it to test day. I have a freaking pregnancy test that I wasted my money on sitting under the sink in the bathroom.<br />
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I don't think I'll ever get to use that pregnancy test. This cycle was eye opening. My body is not working. It barely worked with all the drugs they used, and the Dr. agreed that by itself, every month, it's not doing what it needs to do to get pregnant. My ovaries and eggs are crap. I feel like we are back to where we very first started. Donor eggs.<br />
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I feel heartbroken, so angry and completely hopeless. I always just assumed that we would have a baby at some point in the future. I always thought that someday I'd be pregnant. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm pretty sure that I'll never be pregnant, and that thought is the hardest one of all, because that's all I've ever wanted. But, I can't picture it anymore. I don't know when I stopped picturing it, but I think it was awhile ago. We do not want to do IVF and we do not feel called to adopt. And even if that changes down the road, neither path is an easy one. I don't know if I want a baby bad enough for the money and stress that those options come with. I sort of feel guilty about that, but then I remember that most couples get pregnant without spending thousands and thousands of dollars! They don't have to make the decision of whether they should save money to buy a house or save money for IVF and the chance at a family. That's our current situation, a down payment or IVF? Screw that!<br />
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All this leaves us in a very unsure place. We are putting it all on hold again, but I don't know when or if we'll come back to it. I honestly can't explain to you all how much we absolutely hate fertility treatments. They don't feel right for us. So, are we saying that we are choosing to live child free forever? Maybe. Right now that's the decision. Nothing is set in stone. Maybe in a couple years we'll feel the need to do more, to try again. I don't know. But, for right now, I am the saddest I've been in years and I just need time to mourn.<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-3836210792128321112015-01-12T09:25:00.001-07:002015-01-12T12:10:51.616-07:00ResultsI so wish I could give you all good news, but I can't. I'm not pregnant. It didn't work. <br />
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I'm honestly doing OK. We are sad and disappointed, but overall, OK. I knew it didn't work. When the day came to take the test, I knew it would be negative. There was a small part of me that hoped I was wrong, that wanted to doubt what I instinctively knew, but unfortunately I was right. I know my body. And I'm an old pro at not being pregnant.<br />
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This is the part of infertility treatments that is so extremely hard. The constant ups and downs. I started the cycle off so positive. So happy, ready, excited and hopeful that it would work. I know the odds and they aren't necessarily in our favor, but I hoped anyway. I wanted it to work. I was ready for it to work. But as the days went by, the positive feelings died. I tried so hard this cycle to keep them alive, but the closer it got to test day, the more those positive feelings just left me. I doubted and I feared and I was right. I wish I wasn't, but I was. It didn't work. <br />
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I had a bad day earlier last week. I was so emotional and I cried a lot more than I normally do. It's been a long time since I cried over all of this. We've come a long way in this journey and I don't get as emotional as I used to, but last week I was super emotional and almost panicky. Looking back I think I knew it didn't work and I was mourning this cycle. I told Ryan that day that I just don't want to do this over and over again. I'm not strong enough to keep doing fertility treatments. They are so exhausting. Living my life based on what cycle day I'm on sucks so much. Sometimes I feel so weak because it's just easier to stop treatments, give up and live our lives childless, than it is to keep at it. I'm very good at that. I succeeded in ignoring and avoiding it all the last two years and it was a great two years. Infertility treatments are so so hard and no amount of me telling you this can make you understand how hard they are. <br />
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There is no break. Not much time to wrap your head around the negative result before having to jump right back into it. You can't take a break. If you take a break, it's for a whole cycle and then you are losing an opportunity to get pregnant. I'll be back at the Dr's office in about three days to start another cycle and if everything goes according to plan, I'll probably be inseminated on my 33rd birthday. At least this month I'll know what to expect. I'll be prepared for all the side effects from the drugs and the possible low ovarian response. I'll know what the IUI feels like and I'll remember how much the 2ww sucks. And again we'll hope and pray that it will work, because otherwise, what's the point?<br />
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I honestly don't know what will happen. I felt so strongly that this was the right path. That we needed to start treatments again. That we needed to have a baby. After a negative cycle, I don't know what I feel. It completely makes me question everything. Sometimes I feel like I might not want a baby bad enough. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love our lives without kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm fully ready to accept that as our path. I will say that as of now we are not ready for IVF or adoption. So, if the IUI's don't work, I don't know. I just have to believe it will work. <br />
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I want to thank you all so much for your prayers, positive thoughts, texts and messages to both Ryan and I. We've received so much support over this last cycle and it's meant so much to both of us. I felt those prayers and positive vibes. I felt calm and at peace for much of this last cycle. And even though I currently feel a little unsteady, I know that there are so many people out there rooting for us and that makes me feel very supported. You're all holding us up right now and we are so appreciative for every single one of you. <br />
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So, onward we go. Onto the next cycle. And we will try to be happy, ready, excited and hopeful again.<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-680451712682066982015-01-05T07:22:00.001-07:002015-01-05T07:22:41.144-07:00Insemination, A New Year and the 2WWHi Everyone!<br />
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Well, I've been inseminated and now we are waiting. I sort of explained how the whole process worked, I took drugs to stimulate my ovaries, got lots of ultrasounds to check my follicles, got a couple different hormone shots and then the insemination happened. I'm not going to share the exact date of the insemination because I need to at least keep that to us for now.<br />
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When I went in for the first ultrasound on Christmas Day to see how my body responded to the first 5 days of drugs I felt a little discouraged. I only had one good follicle on my right side and that was it. In a really good scenario you want 2 to 4 follicles. But this is my issue. This is why I'm infertile. I don't have the egg quantity that I should. I voiced my concern to the Dr and he said not to worry, it only takes one, so I've been trying to focus on that since then. It only takes one. All I need is one good egg!<br />
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The day of the insemination I was so nervous. I just wanted it to be done. Since this was our first one, I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't know how it would feel, or how long it would take. I'm so happy that it went smoothly. It was actually really easy, you know, minus the whole having to be inseminated part.<br />
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So, now we wait and try not think about any of it. I've actually done really well so far. I really dislike fertility treatments. Doing this cycle reminded me of that fact. The drugs are hard on my body. I had a headache for nearly 7 days, I felt so emotional and sensitive and just not myself. It's a very stressful thing for couples to do and I hated how it felt, so after that insemination was over, I felt so relieved! I felt like myself again. It was wonderful. I think that joy of feeling normal has gotten me through a good portion of the 2 week wait, but that does not mean it's been easy.<br />
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When you do fertility treatments and are in the waiting stage, there is a fear of hope. You don't want to get your hopes up too much because if you do, the failure is so much harder to take. I went into this cycle very positive and feeling really good. I still feel pretty good and feel pretty calm, but keeping the hope and faith gets harder and harder as the days goes by. This is what infertility is. A constant roller-coaster of emotions. You have hope that you're pregnant, that it finally happened and then you get your period and you come crashing down. And when this happens month after month, year after year, it gets harder and harder to have any hope at all. I tattooed the word on my wrist. I look at it every day. I had to have that permanent reminder to keep hope alive. It's not easy and it's a constant internal struggle. All day I'm trying to squash negative thoughts that pop into my head and replace them with positive ones. I'm trying to picture myself pregnant instead of planning out next months treatments. It's never ending and it's exhausting.<br />
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I will say that your prayers, positive thoughts and words of encouragement have helped us so much this cycle!! So so much.We feel them all. That's why I've felt relatively calm and at peace with everything. It's still hard, but it has helped knowing that everyone out there is hoping and praying for the same outcome that we are. I'm sure some of you have wondered if I will share the news <strike>if </strike>when it works! I thought about this before I ever shared this cycle and we've decided that we will share the news. Here's hoping for great news and an excellent 2015!!!<br />
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~Tonya<br />
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P.S. I know some of you out there have wanted to ask us how we are doing or what's going on but have been concerned about bugging us. I appreciate your desire to give us space, but please ask. Please feel free to check in and see how we are doing. We love receiving messages from our friends and family. A large reason I created this blog was to educate people about infertility so if you have a question, ask me or Ryan.You will not hurt our feelings if you don't quite understand how it all works.<br />
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-56041918186819150492014-12-19T19:46:00.001-07:002014-12-19T19:46:24.979-07:00What the heck is an IUI?Hi Everyone!<br />
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After writing that last post I realized that many people don't actually know what an IUI is or how it all works. Unfortunately, when you live in an infertile world, all these acronyms become a part of daily life and you just assume that everyone knows what you're talking about. I'm honestly thankful that many of you don't, because that means you aren't living in a world where you need them to have a family. </div>
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IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination, which is when sperm is placed by a Dr. into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. I refuse to say anything about the statistics of getting pregnant via IUI because I'm actively choosing to be as positive as I can during this cycle. If you want to read about the process in more detail, I suggest going <a href="http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/iui/">here</a>, but I am going to explain what the cycle will look like for us (each Dr has a little different way of doing the cycle, but for the most part the insemination part is the same).</div>
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On day 1 of my cycle (which is the first day of your period for those who don't know) I called the Dr's office. </div>
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On day 3 we went into the office for a baseline vaginal ultrasound to check how my ovaries and follicles are looking. This is gross and possibly my least favorite day. Today is day 3 for those wondering and my insides are looking good! They gave me medication to help stimulate my ovaries and follicle growth. This will be an oral medication. He is having me start the medication tonight and I will take it every night for 5 nights, so until day 7 of my cycle. </div>
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On day 9 we will go back into the office for another ultrasound to see how my body is responding to the drugs. For those of you keeping track, this will be Christmas Day! #Christmasmiracle!</div>
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On days 10 to 14, I will be having sporadic vaginal ultrasounds, possible FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) shots and depending on how my follicles are looking, they will perform the insemination on one of those days. This is the 'fun' part for Ryan. He gets to nuzzle up to the plastic cup! Sing it with me, "Clear plastic cup, I'll fill you up! Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby!" Haha! This is our theme song! They will take his sample and do a sperm wash. This separates the good mobile sperm, from those lazy guys and they then concentrate the good stuff into a small dose. The Dr. then uses a small catheter to place the sperm directly into my uterus. After that, I will most likely receive a trigger shot to force ovulation and the magic happens!</div>
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Days 14 through 28 are the absolutely dreaded two week wait. The worst two weeks ever! I'll go into that more in a later post, but just know, they suck a lot! </div>
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So, there is it folks. I hope to get pregnant with my husband standing by my head, holding my hand and an old man Dr. between my legs with a catheter and my husbands sperm in a tube. Good times! Really good times!<br />
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~Tonya<br />
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#Christmasmiracle</div>
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Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-27218844486924230482014-12-17T18:49:00.000-07:002014-12-17T18:49:46.918-07:00#ChristmasmiracleHi Everyone!!<br />
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This is going to be a quick post. I've debated writing this for awhile, but I finally decided that the prayers and support far outweigh the fear and anxiety I feel right now. </div>
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We are starting an IUI cycle! This Friday! Ahhh! I'm so excited, nervous, hopeful, and totally scared out of my mind. I've sort of been a crazy person this week and I'm sure that's not going to go away until we know the results. I'm not going to go into the specifics of why we've decided to start treatments again. It all boils down to a simple truth. We want a baby. </div>
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So, I'm asking you all to pray for us, to send us your positive thoughts and to be hopeful with us. A very good friend told me this week that being hopeful and believe it will work does not make me foolish, it's an expression of faith! I have faith it will work. I have faith that we will finally have the family we've desired for the past 5 years. Please have faith with us! </div>
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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! </div>
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11</div>
Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-26800247048119546562014-07-18T09:17:00.000-07:002014-07-18T09:17:38.139-07:00Age and the Biological ClockLately I've been feeling slightly obsessed with my age and with the passage of time. I think about it nearly every day. I think about how I can't believe I'm in my early 30's, or that I graduated high school 14 years ago. I can't believe I've worked for my current company for almost 9 years and we've been married almost 7. We've been in Durango for almost 2 years already and it's gone by in a blink of an eye. It's this constant feeling that the years are going too fast and it makes me feel panicky.<br />
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It hit me the other day that I might be starting to feel that clock tick. I've heard about the biological clock but I've never really thought about it. When we started trying I was in my mid 20's. I didn't feel rushed. Even after the diagnosis I didn't feel any pressure that my time was running out. We've taken a break the last couple years and I'm so glad. We've had an awesome time, but suddenly I feel like my time is getting shorter and shorter. And I can't tell you how scary that is for someone who has already been trying for 5 years. I'm 32 years old. I know in the grand scheme of life that's not old, but in terms of fertility it is. <br />
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I recently started a second job for a few hours every afternoon in a 2 year old room at a preschool. I never thought I'd be able to go back to that kind of work. I loved kids for so many years and then after the diagnosis I had such a hard time being around them. I was sad and angry and resentful. I'm happy to say that I enjoy their company again. I've had a couple moments where I've felt sad, but for the most part, I feel really good and happy. But this obsession with my age is starting to weigh on me. I compare my age to every single parent at this preschool. Some of them are younger, some about my age and some are older than me. I'm intrigued with the ones who are older. I wonder if they went through infertility treatments or if they were able to get pregnant naturally. I wonder if they waited till later in life on purpose or did they have problems or did they wake up one day in their late 30's and think well I guess we better have a baby now if we want one. If we ever have kids, that will be us. The older parents. <br />
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I think I feel panicky because we still don't have a plan to go back to treatments. We are enjoying our life so much right now. We have other plans. We are renewing our lease in this house for one more year and then we plan to buy something in Durango next year. We don't want to think about pricey fertility treatments, but at the same time I realize we have to start thinking about it again. We're not getting any younger and I'm already at a disadvantage because of my old eggs. I just keep hoping it will happen naturally and we won't have to spend thousands of dollars on it all again. We don't have that kind of money to put toward it all right now, not with trying to buy a house. It's such a huge issue for infertile couples. A down payment on a house is a round or two of IVF. It's stressful and how do you choose. <br />
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I guess right now kids still aren't our main priority and that's OK with me. I know, biologically speaking, they will have to become a priority eventually. Until then, I'll just be over here getting older and trying not to obsess about it too much.<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-10335342017641076622014-01-31T10:37:00.001-07:002014-01-31T10:37:23.867-07:00It Doesn't Go AwayRecently I've been thinking about being pregnant. I've been thinking about how exciting it would be to pee on that stick and see that positive. How amazing it would be to run and show Ryan. How my heart would jump in my chest at that very exciting news. How I would be beyond happy and completely terrified all at the same time. I can picture it all so vividly that I actually get excited thinking about it. And then I remember.<div>
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This year marks 5 years since we've been trying. 5 years! Many of you have had a baby or more in that amount of time. You've experienced that thrill of the positive stick, of sharing the news with your spouse, your family and your friends. The excitement of seeing that first ultrasound, finding out what you're having, decorating a baby room, feeling those first little movements inside your body, having a baby shower, the pains of labor and the absolute joy and love that comes over you when you see your baby for the first time. I really want that experience and it's hard to think that it might not happen that way. I'm not really sure why these thoughts and feelings have been popping up the last month or so, but they have, and I've been on this journey long enough to know that I just have to feel them. I have to feel the sadness and the loss of hope that accompanies infertility because honestly, it's sort of impossible to deny it. I've been trying to squash it the last few weeks and it hasn't been working so all you lovely people get to read about it. Maybe putting it out into the universe will help me a bit and I'm hoping it will help the other people who I know are reading this and feeling the same things. You're not alone. <div>
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It's been about a year since we did treatments. Neither one of us are at all ready to go back to them. I'm not sure when or if we will be ready. I haven't written anything in a long time because we are seriously so happy where we are right now and I just didn't have much to say on the matter. I've said it so many times, but I'll say it again, I wouldn't change a thing. Nothing. All of this is happening the way it is supposed to, but even after 5 years and all the unexpected happiness that has come out of our infertility, there are still some hard, sad times. That desire for a baby doesn't go away. Even in my happiest times, I still think about it. I've found that it's possible for me to be immensely happy and sort of sad all at the same time, it's strange, but true. </div>
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If you're reading this and feeling sorry for me, I don't want that. I'm not writing this to have people feel bad or sorry for me. I love my life. I'm happy where we are. I don't want your pity. I would however like your prayers and positive thoughts. I would also really really like you to think about those people in your life that could be dealing with the same things as we are. It's not easy folks. Be compassionate to those around you. Be kind and loving and most of all, be thankful for what you have been blessed with. I know I am! </div>
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Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-71422194513734557222013-07-09T13:57:00.001-07:002013-07-09T13:57:06.186-07:00We Are So Blessed! Hi Everyone!<br />
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Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written anything. April! That's crazy. It turns out that lately I just don't have much to say when it comes to our infertility and since this blog is an infertility blog, it has been seriously neglected. Sure I still have moments when I think about babies or being pregnant, but for the most part, I am really just enjoying the moment. I'm seriously too happy to be sad!<br />
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Today actually marks one year since we drove to Durango and signed the lease for our house. One year. I find it so hard to believe that one year ago we were walking around this big, beautiful, empty house feeling so giddy and blessed that it was available for rent. You've all seen the pictures. It doesn't get old. Sometimes I think it's so easy to get caught up in what we don't have or what we want. I'm so guilty of that! I spent the last few years struggling with the fact that everyone around me was having babies and we weren't. We didn't have that family that we so desperately wanted and I felt so left out and angry. It was all I could focus on. It was so painful and if I'm being honest, it still is sometimes. But, if I've learned anything this last almost year (August 1st marks one full year of living in Durango), it's that I have been so blessed with opportunities that other people dream about and I am so thankful. Yeah I might not have the things that I thought I wanted, but man, living in Durango has been awesome so far!! And I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade any of it. I really love our life right now!!! By the way, we signed another year lease so we will be in Durango for at least another year!! Visitors welcome!!<br />
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That's about all I have for right now. I just wanted to give everyone a little update. Nothing too new is happening over here. Just working and enjoying the beautiful outdoors with our boys! Oh and we recently got back from an awesome vacation in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. Good times!! <br />
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Pictures for your enjoyment!<br />
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One year ago today!!! Getting ready to start a new chapter!</div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">On our way to the Dominican!</span></div>
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First drink! Yummy!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIj3RdiYLrm_7LZM1W5zDURYvkTL3P_IdbHwCMBpKy4bjii4LHzjzFPbdyl8IoeuMBMU19I3nDieyoCe7h7rULZ4KvcwCsq-3JfqI86CXq0PqVEZFmrzKxfzM5BNBBZ305Xu9USgUUy5WC/s1600/DR+and+PR+2013+015+-+Copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIj3RdiYLrm_7LZM1W5zDURYvkTL3P_IdbHwCMBpKy4bjii4LHzjzFPbdyl8IoeuMBMU19I3nDieyoCe7h7rULZ4KvcwCsq-3JfqI86CXq0PqVEZFmrzKxfzM5BNBBZ305Xu9USgUUy5WC/s320/DR+and+PR+2013+015+-+Copy.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Pina Colada</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaGWNNJZX-aAmNaf66hlJV74gXlMbk3TS6PnNIc_87crMXQhiIOjqW7lcjDC5mCf6xOPGG3I4JsghnzB_FBYzowmgke5TnMKN8URkl39-C0VpLcWRUtkRj0J2eWP2z330ETTD6wFVOz6vp/s1600/DR+and+PR+2013+021.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaGWNNJZX-aAmNaf66hlJV74gXlMbk3TS6PnNIc_87crMXQhiIOjqW7lcjDC5mCf6xOPGG3I4JsghnzB_FBYzowmgke5TnMKN8URkl39-C0VpLcWRUtkRj0J2eWP2z330ETTD6wFVOz6vp/s320/DR+and+PR+2013+021.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Vacation rocks!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4cYasz2PkyQK_f9V4UmWUspmMOXE7_B_OVwLTH0EHhR6cY3hGKmoAnoRU_AMwW4crzqjcQ_7RK-enGiS0MyFAfBc8r8CQcA1TRiFPVNSeLPSpceZmMOCFc0iUyA-95qtbfXF-2cvRszxh/s1600/DR+and+PR+2013+024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4cYasz2PkyQK_f9V4UmWUspmMOXE7_B_OVwLTH0EHhR6cY3hGKmoAnoRU_AMwW4crzqjcQ_7RK-enGiS0MyFAfBc8r8CQcA1TRiFPVNSeLPSpceZmMOCFc0iUyA-95qtbfXF-2cvRszxh/s320/DR+and+PR+2013+024.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Beach.</div>
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</div>
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Before dinner</div>
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I love the beach!!</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Group shot! It was really windy...</div>
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Beach</div>
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Leaving for San Juan</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
More beach</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
So beautiful!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGUaBOGtDLBxp8ArKBpX29JiCqWIYxm-dQYRgJE1ZPNaqbFvZpc3SD-CERpIj7vIkM4bZ2wmPcqNybo6wz3oNEGAAdDHhj1XquBlF_uoDTkbSEmEPXZwrj5bVTewisHYEfAdnrO6-0Udhd/s1600/Durango+Hiking+004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGUaBOGtDLBxp8ArKBpX29JiCqWIYxm-dQYRgJE1ZPNaqbFvZpc3SD-CERpIj7vIkM4bZ2wmPcqNybo6wz3oNEGAAdDHhj1XquBlF_uoDTkbSEmEPXZwrj5bVTewisHYEfAdnrO6-0Udhd/s320/Durango+Hiking+004.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm hiking!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh52wYP-JidNxhwwfgG2he5N7L6RK28_Gmz9RQPWwDGA4qI_Yqq3DlLQUTbvlCjj-InKdUAP2gjS5YDXj8TemK8WGYfrK23W66TkwCH5z2P1KqgMf48qjfJDFuQwKwnLMS2WmfXP9L_VB2z/s1600/Durango+Hiking+011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh52wYP-JidNxhwwfgG2he5N7L6RK28_Gmz9RQPWwDGA4qI_Yqq3DlLQUTbvlCjj-InKdUAP2gjS5YDXj8TemK8WGYfrK23W66TkwCH5z2P1KqgMf48qjfJDFuQwKwnLMS2WmfXP9L_VB2z/s320/Durango+Hiking+011.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Creek!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1bnzww0dSHmuYZdwoeNr6S0ZjGrfs_Ndm9RGsQYR6IIcy6ie8yil9pEjtqCFUYS4pZGdgi9b05V1oTGun2n9zICgsTIBQmmbNYNcihwAgs5SO0eXGOe39kGt200l4kfkj0DU7YDjwvAaf/s1600/Durango+Hiking+016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1bnzww0dSHmuYZdwoeNr6S0ZjGrfs_Ndm9RGsQYR6IIcy6ie8yil9pEjtqCFUYS4pZGdgi9b05V1oTGun2n9zICgsTIBQmmbNYNcihwAgs5SO0eXGOe39kGt200l4kfkj0DU7YDjwvAaf/s320/Durango+Hiking+016.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
More creek</div>
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Beautiful meadow! </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
We love it!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit0fs0Zc8kZmz4d-Nzss45jEul6Wf45ZXVp_eYqugittu0cGGDbAqBl9kWbQQv1b_AErtaWSUizn-4xryvvwgrwm1ZXUJAwOrfmcwLkIzm6r0tLI_O8Uo8eZbZBbh3zlBYd2wy8eiWcDZj/s1600/Durango+Hiking+024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit0fs0Zc8kZmz4d-Nzss45jEul6Wf45ZXVp_eYqugittu0cGGDbAqBl9kWbQQv1b_AErtaWSUizn-4xryvvwgrwm1ZXUJAwOrfmcwLkIzm6r0tLI_O8Uo8eZbZBbh3zlBYd2wy8eiWcDZj/s320/Durango+Hiking+024.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The water is so clean and clear!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuzMeQoHcBAjHIOGeUHM1_cpommYA6aGL5XjLJwR-rEA_PrMCU3YUdGqosGBQcpu_Q-dseCaWUL6nDP_ymyEzOQxVpZ_NyWtfXsKpxmeY_kmArVbRlKDxiK40O9fkEs-JMDxlIPbshSrp_/s1600/Durango+Hiking+026.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuzMeQoHcBAjHIOGeUHM1_cpommYA6aGL5XjLJwR-rEA_PrMCU3YUdGqosGBQcpu_Q-dseCaWUL6nDP_ymyEzOQxVpZ_NyWtfXsKpxmeY_kmArVbRlKDxiK40O9fkEs-JMDxlIPbshSrp_/s320/Durango+Hiking+026.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Scoping out a good fishing spot.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1vzeUFLlIZH1lzNL2Iw0jhQEjStgCvjgzd9cJRTiBI9trssI_8RHURYAcfYi4vLWOB597od4-IpZcKydiIRh0GkrPWJRLYb5dKf5H9SEZneRRPq1vdunhFj7-gmGmnSbtJJToMGnrNXmD/s1600/Durango+Hiking+029.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1vzeUFLlIZH1lzNL2Iw0jhQEjStgCvjgzd9cJRTiBI9trssI_8RHURYAcfYi4vLWOB597od4-IpZcKydiIRh0GkrPWJRLYb5dKf5H9SEZneRRPq1vdunhFj7-gmGmnSbtJJToMGnrNXmD/s320/Durango+Hiking+029.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Yay! He got one!</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Kashy!</div>
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Michael really wanted that stick. </div>
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Adrenaline Falls. You can jump that. We might do it next time. Yikes!</div>
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Adrenaline Falls. </div>
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As you can see we've been living it up over here!! I'll try not too wait so long between posts next time, but I make no promises! We have a lot more exploring to do. </div>
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~Tonya<br />
<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-77181649830764418072013-04-16T12:02:00.001-07:002013-04-16T12:04:13.853-07:00Life is good!Hi Everyone!<br />
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Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been since I last wrote. With National Infertility Awareness Week coming up next week, I've been doing some thinking. Lately, I feel like I haven't been the infertile woman struggling to have a baby. My thoughts haven't been consumed with creating a family. It's been so refreshing. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but we are in such a good place right now. You'd think that after two failed treatments it would be the exact opposite, but we are so happy. So much so that I stopped going to my infertility support group. The last couple of times I went, I left there feeling so sad and depressed. I realized that right now in our journey, the support group is not supporting me the way it's meant to. I'm honestly not even thinking about our infertility right now.<br />
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I feel like the longer that we are childless, the more appealing the lifestyle becomes. At this point, pregnancy announcements, pregnant women and babies just don't bother me that much. That is such a huge difference from where I was one year ago! There is something so freeing about being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. And I can't even begin to describe how much fun it is to live in a small, awesome town where we can ride our bikes downtown and enjoy a beer and appetizers at a local brewery before riding back home again, or go hang out by the river behind the house, or go for a hike on any number of the mountains around here. There is a healing power to the mountains and river. I realize I sort of sound like a hippie and I think I might be turning into one a little bit, but if you guys could come live where we are, you'd get it. The best way for me to describe it is to say that we've basically been on vacation since we moved here more than 8 months ago. It's fabulous!<br />
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I'll probably write a blog post next week to participate in the bloggers unite program for NIAW. Even though I feel like our infertility is not front and center in our lives right now and I've definitely backed off of the blog, I'm still passionate about educating people, raising money and getting the word out that if you are one of the 1 in 8 couples, you are not alone. So many people deal with infertility. I feel like I learn about someone new in my life almost every other day. It's important for me to let these people know that they are not alone and the feelings they are feeling are normal. I've said it a millions times, but I'm saying it again, infertility sucks!<br />
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I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm not sure if we'll have kids or not, but right now, I don't care. I think for the first time in my life, I am not stressing about the future. I'm not worried about what might happen. I'm truly living in the moment and going with the flow and it feels so great!<br />
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And now for your viewing pleasure, some pictures from the last few months. A couple of weekends ago my brother and his girlfriend and their puppy came to visit and we drove to Telluride (probably one of the most beautiful places I've seen in my entire life), and came home through Ridgeway, Ouray and Silverton. The mountains on this drive are breathtaking. There are honestly no words to describe the absolute beauty and awesomeness of this part of Colorado. I wish I had more pictures, but luckily I live here and I'm sure we'll go again! Enjoy, I know I do!<br />
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View from our deck with Snow!</div>
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Pretty snow covered trees</div>
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More snow covered trees</div>
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So pretty</div>
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Kash loves the snow and his Christmas pjs!</div>
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Taking a walk in the snow</div>
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Christmas time</div>
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Michael loves his new toy</div>
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New scarf and beanie made with love by our friend Becky!</div>
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Kash loves his new toys</div>
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Ryan loves his new toys. Ha!</div>
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Christmas table</div>
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New Years Eve</div>
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Aw Michael!</div>
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Picture before my birthday dinner </div>
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Pooped out after their haircut</div>
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Snowshoeing for the first time!</div>
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Snowshoeing</div>
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So beautiful</div>
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We love snowshoeing!</div>
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Going for a drive to Telluride</div>
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Hi!</div>
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Amazing mountains on the way to Telluride</div>
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So pretty</div>
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Beautiful snow covered mountains. </div>
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More mountains</div>
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And more</div>
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And still more</div>
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Baby Ella (my brother and his girlfriends puppy) is queen of the mountains!</div>
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Bridge in Telluride</div>
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Us on the bridge</div>
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Frozen waterfall in Telluride</div>
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Lookout right outside of Ouray with my brother and his girlfriend</div>
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Ryan and Michael hanging out in the grass</div>
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Getting ready to go for a walk</div>
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Bike ride!</div>
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So much fun!</div>
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Stop for beer</div>
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The four of us getting ready to ride back home</div>
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Foggy morning</div>
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Elk</div>
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Lots of elk</div>
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Kashy doing a little yoga</div>
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Michael just hanging out</div>
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~Tonya<br />
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-38076545136975436022013-02-21T10:48:00.001-07:002013-02-21T13:05:34.876-07:00Infertility Treatments: Take TwoHey Everyone!<br />
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Cycle two is done. I'm going to get right to the point and tell you that it didn't work. Again, not a huge surprise, but I had a little more hope for this one. I'm not sure if it works this way for other women doing these treatments, but there comes a point when I just know it didn't work. I don't need my period to show up or to take a test to know that I'm absolutely not pregnant. It's weird, but I guess it also helps me to deal with it when that test day comes and I get a negative result. </div>
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We had originally planned to do three cycles and then take a break. We were going to do an IUI for the third cycle, just to maybe give us a little better shot at a positive. That was the plan until last week. Last week I just started to feel like I didn't want to do another cycle right now. I don't want to take drugs, have multiple ultrasounds and have a Dr tell us when we have to DTD. I don't want to spent another $1550 on a cycle that I really feel won't work. We've already spent almost $3000 and it's only the middle of February!! We knew that money would become an issue at some point and that point came a little sooner than we expected. So after talking about it, we both decided that our heads are not in the right place right now to do another cycle. We are going to try a different route. </div>
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Before we left AZ I was seeing a naturopathic Dr. I was going weekly to get acupuncture and massages. I was also trying to see a chiropractor regularly, but wasn't doing a great job at that. I loved that Dr. I loved all the natural stuff I was doing, but I was also so stressed that I wasn't all that great at it. Part of our goal when moving here was to really try to get healthier and more active and most of all, reduce our stress. I think we've done great at reducing stress and we are working on getting healthier and more active. We recently found a chiropractor close to our house. Our decision, for right now, is to see him regularly and continue making healthy positive choices for our overall health. </div>
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I have to acknowledge that we may end up back at the RE's office. I'm not expecting to get pregnant just by getting adjusted regularly and being healthy. That would be amazing, but I need to be realistic, hopeful, but realistic I've done the research and I know how important spine health is, but I also know how important those fertility Drs are. You know, I just get so damn frustrated when I think of how much it all costs. I read so many stories every single day of women and men doing cycle after cycle and not getting any results. Now that I've done a couple of cycles, and know how much they cost and the toll they take on the body, it makes my heart break for these couples. All we all want is a baby, a family, to be a mom and a dad. It should not be this hard, but for millions of people, it is their every day struggle. </div>
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It never ceases to amaze me the twists and turns of this journey. The decisions that we make sometimes even surprise me, but I'm always so sure that it's the right one at that time. I read a pin on Pinterest the other day that really resonated with me. It said , "Do not follow your heart. Follow the conviction of the Holy Spirit." That's always my goal. </div>
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~Tonya</div>
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Please consider helping me raise money for<a href="http://resolve.org/"> RESOLVE</a>, a wonderful organization that has helped me from the very beginning. They do everything they can to raise awareness for those of us with infertility. The Arizona Walk of Hope will take place on March 23rd. Like I have the last two years, I am raising money and hopefully will be there to walk. No one should walk this journey alone. </div>
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<a href="http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2013/WalkofHope?px=1990337&pg=personal&fr_id=1120#.USZetwoRTeM.blogger">Walk of Hope 2013 - Scottsdale, AZ: Mrs. Tonya Neufeld - RESOLVE: 2013 Walk of Hope</a><br />
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Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-87164691530810690242013-02-07T11:51:00.001-07:002013-02-07T11:51:28.632-07:00Infertility Treatments: Take OneHi Everyone!!<br />
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Warning: This post is a little TMI and if you think you might be uncomfortable reading it, I would stop now! When you are infertile and doing treatments you just can't be embarrassed about this stuff.<br />
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In my last post I told you all that we were going to start treatments. In this post I'm going to tell you about the treatments that we are doing.<br />
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Infertility treatments are weird. They are stressful and unnatural. They are so ridiculous and yet can be so amazing. Our first treatment started at the end of December. This is the treatment that most people who are struggling to get pregnant start with. I was told to call the office on day one of my cycle and on day three I went in for a baseline ultrasound. Now, I want you all to keep in mind that every time I say I went in for an ultrasound, I'm talking about a vaginal ultrasound. I was given a drug to take on day three. The drug is called letrozole (femara) and I had to take it for 5 days (days 3 through 7 of my cycle). One day 9 I went in for another ultrasound so the Dr could check the follicles on my ovaries. The great news is that I responded great to the drug and the Dr was very happy with the results. On day 11 I went back for another ultrasound. The afternoon of day 11 I went back to the office one more time and received a trigger shot in my arm which forces ovulation. At this point is where the timed intercourse comes in. We had to DTD (this is how I've referred to it for awhile now, it means do the deed) 24 hours and 36 hours after the shot. I got the shot at 5 pm so the 24 hours after wasn't too big of a deal. The 36 hours after was a little more difficult. Setting an alarm at 5 in the morning and knowing that you have to DTD is extremely stressful and puts a ton of pressure on it. We were not successful at 5am. However, we were successful a little later in the morning. After that we had to wait for 2 weeks before taking a pregnancy test to see if it worked. <br />
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It's hard to describe the feelings I had during that first cycle. I kept thinking that we paid $1220 for this treatment and what if it doesn't work because we couldn't DTD at 5 in the morning, which I didn't want to say because the last thing I wanted to do was make Ryan feel guilty. I had to take the drugs and get the ultrasounds, but he had to perform. That's so much pressure and completely takes the romance out of it. They start the treatment with timed intercourse because they say it makes it feel a little more natural, but I'm not sure it does. It's not very natural to be forced to do it at a certain time and to feel like you failed if you can't. <br />
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Those two weeks of waiting were stressful. I didn't drink any wine during that whole time which is good, but was extremely difficult at the time. I was anxious and I just wanted a glass. I tried to give up coffee but I couldn't or wouldn't, I guess. I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but I wasn't sure at what intensity I should exercise. I watched more TV than normal because I just needed to keep my mind occupied. I didn't want to talk about any of it. I was terrified that it would work and we would have to move out of our house at the end of our lease in August because our landlords live directly below us and wouldn't want a screaming baby above them. Then I felt so guilty for missing wine and not wanting to move. Ha. It was two weeks filled with tons of emotions. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more.<br />
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By the time the two weeks were just about up, I knew it didn't work and I was right. The Dr had told us numerous times to not be surprised if it didn't work the first cycle because it typically doesn't. I took the test and it was negative. I called the Dr to let him know and they told me to take one again the next day, which just annoyed me because I knew one day wasn't going to change the fact that I wasn't pregnant. The next day it was still negative. I was prepared for that result and honestly wasn't that upset. I know my body and I knew that I wasn't pregnant, but Ryan still had that hope, so it was much harder on him. <br />
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I still look at that first cycle as a success. My ovaries responded to the drugs, which is huge!! I never thought they would. I thought they were shutting down, so knowing that they responded just gave us hope that we had lost. We've since started a second cycle and again I'm praying like crazy that it works. I feel much better emotionally this cycle. I'm not nearly as stressed. I'm not missing wine and I don't care if we have to move. I'm just trying to go with the flow and relax. If it doesn't work (which I'm trying not to think), I'm not sure how many more cycles we will be able to do and at what point they will switch and do an IUI (intrauterine insemination), where they stick the sperm directly in my uterus. We're still paying for all of this out of pocket so it will start to add up. But, for now I choose to be optimistic and hope that we don't have to do too many before it works.<br />
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Please keep us in your prayers and send us positive baby vibes!! I'll keep you all posted.<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-57899869667349300662013-01-08T11:56:00.000-07:002013-01-08T11:56:54.178-07:00It's a New Year!! Happy 2013 Everyone!! I don't know about all of you, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's 2013. Very weird.<br />
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I'm sure you're all wondering how our doctor's appointment went. Last time I wrote was to tell you that we were going. I haven't written since for a few reasons. First, our appointment was on the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting and nothing else seemed important that horrible day or the days after. Second, we were so busy with the holidays that I just didn't have the time. And third, I honestly just needed some time to process how the appointment went. <br />
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So how did it go?? It could not have been more opposite than the last time we saw a doctor for all of this. We walked out of that office with a renewed sense of hope. I'm not going to go into serious detail, but basically the doctor doesn't think my ovaries are failing. He actually did an ultrasound right then and there and was able to see my ovaries and some follicles!! He did agree that there is obviously something going on since we've been trying for over three years to get pregnant and nothing has happened, but he gave us the hope that we had completely lost. We talked about some different treatment options, and I'm not going to go into those right now, but we are excited and nervous and basically every emotion you can think of. <br />
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But, while I am so thrilled at this news, I also feel so dumb. It's a completely illogical feeling and I've been trying to analyze it since the appointment. I feel kind of like a fraud, like I've been going around for two years saying I have this awful disease of premature ovarian failure, when I apparently don't. I feel like I should have gotten a second opinion right away. I feel, and this is where it gets really stupid, that all the work I've done to raise awareness and money for infertility, somehow means less because my diagnosis wasn't real. These are ridiculous things to think and the truth is, I'm still infertile, so it shouldn't make one bit of difference that my diagnosis changed. But, somehow in my mind, right now, it does and I can't stop these feelings. I'm hoping by putting it all out there, that they will be erased from my mind!<br />
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And while I'm feeling all of that, I also know that I am not a doctor. I did not make up what was said in the initial appointment. I was too shocked and devastated to get a second opinion. And frankly, we weren't supposed to get a second opinion before this one. We were supposed to be in Durango, with these doctors. I believe God has a plan for our lives, I always have, and when I look back on the past three years I can see how the plan has lead us here. I have no idea what happens next. Will we get pregnant with the first treatment that we do? Will we still end up having to do IVF? Will we be that couple who experiences failed treatment after failed treatment? I really try not to think of the future too much, but it's so hard. <br />
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It's a new year. 2013! Maybe this will be our year, or maybe it won't. We'll all just have to wait and see. <br />
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~Tonya<br />
<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-85830612235133284562012-11-28T11:26:00.001-07:002012-11-28T11:26:44.180-07:00Starting OverHi Everyone!<br />
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I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was really great. We spent a week in AZ with my family and it was so much fun to hang out with everyone! I was having such a great time that I didn't even have time to be sad about the fact that it's been two years now since our diagnosis. Crazy how much has changed in those two years. <br />
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I've recently been contemplating getting a second opinion. I realize some people might think it's crazy that I would wait two years to do this, but it's taken me that long to come to terms with my situation. The thought of going to a different doctor to do more tests and possibly get the same news is absolutely terrifying. I literally can't put into words how much stress I feel about starting any kind of infertility treatment. It's so scary. But it's been weighing on me recently and I finally feel like the time is right to go see a different doctor.<br />
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When we moved to Durango I knew we wanted to take time off from all of this. We just wanted to enjoy our new lives here and basically forget about the fact that we can't have babies. That worked for a little while, but I want children and I can't ignore that desire for long. At my first support group meeting here I met a woman who works for the two RE's in town. At my second meeting I met two women who go to those doctors. They all spoke so highly of them and it really made me want to go see them. This morning I called and made an appointment. I have my first consultation with Durango Reproductive on Friday December 14th!<br />
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I feel good about it. I'm kind of excited, in a weird way. I sort of feel like we're starting over, but with a lot more information. I will keep you all posted on how it goes. <br />
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Stay tuned!<br />
~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-19039779065440407252012-10-26T10:10:00.002-07:002012-10-26T10:10:52.000-07:00If I'm Not a Mom, What Am I?Hi Everyone!<br />
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I've had a lot on my mind recently and I've been reading some things that have really got me thinking even more. A lot of people I know have been having babies lately and I keep seeing comments that say something to the affect of, "your life has really started now that you've had a child". While I know the people who say these things are parents themselves and are just so excited for their friend or loved one to join the parenting club, I can't help but wonder what they think of people who never have kids, be it by choice or circumstance. If your life doesn't truly start until you have a baby, then what the hell have I been doing for the past 30 years? It's an interesting thought. <br />
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Now I am absolutely not trying to bash anyone here, it just really makes me think about the world we live in and the norms of our society. I know that having a child is one of the biggest life changers there is and you can't really understand it until you've experienced it. I also know that it is extremely hard work being a parent and people like to know that someone they are close to is experiencing the same joys and struggles as they are. I just wonder if those parents out there look at someone like me, who has not been able to reproduce, as somehow less. Like I am not really living, my life is lacking in some way and I will not be whole until I have a baby. <br />
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I have a good friend who doesn't want to have children. I remember when I first found this out about her, I thought it was so strange. I realize now that I didn't even think about the option to not be a mom. I assumed every woman out there wanted that title. I think many people assume that about women. You grow up, you get married, maybe you start a career, but then you have a baby and become a mom. Some women keep the career after becoming a mom, but others decide that Mom is what they are now. I feel like there can be a negative reaction to women who are not moms. I've seen comments that say things like, "Their career is just too important for them to have a baby", or "they are just really selfish, they are one of those women". What does that mean, 'those women'? You would really be amazed at the nasty things other women say, but that's a blog for another day. <br />
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The point is that before I experienced this time in my life where I am a 'non-mom' I thought all women wanted to be moms. I didn't know there was more to being an adult woman than being a mom. I can admit that I've had a hard time defining myself since all this infertility stuff started because my goal was always to be a mom. That was my life's ambition and I never had a backup plan. So if I never become a mom, what am I? I'm starting to realize that I'm so much more. I'm a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, an infertility blogger, a doggie mom and so on. I also know that when or if we have kids, I will have that much more to teach them. But until then, I am really living my life, maybe not the 'normal' way, but you can believe I'm living it!<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-535168867196825042012-10-18T16:12:00.000-07:002012-10-18T16:12:04.466-07:005 Years...Hi Everyone!!<br />
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Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary. I can't believe it's been 5 years already. I've been feeling a little sad and I guess, pensive, this week. I just can't help but think of where we thought we'd be at 5 years. I thought we'd have one child and probably be working on a second. I thought we'd be living in AZ. I thought we'd be those happy, but tired parents. I most certainly didn't see us living in Durango with two dogs and no kids.<br />
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I've been going through our wedding pictures and I feel like I hardly recognize that girl who got married 5 years ago. She looks so young and fresh and happy. She was so full of excitement over what she had planned for her new life with her husband. It makes me both happy and sad to look at those pictures.<br />
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I think another reason our anniversary makes me a little sad is because it was around our second anniversary that we decided to start trying to have a baby. It's been 3 years now. I can't believe we've been trying for 3 years. And I wonder how much longer we will be married before we have a child/children. Will we celebrate 7, or 8, or 10 years without children? It's strange because I can picture that now. The longer it's just the two of us, the harder it is to imagine children in our lives. This scares me a bit.<br />
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Obviously my life is not where I thought it would be on that day 5 years ago and I have no way of knowing what will happen in the next 5 years. I do know that I am married to the most wonderful man. This whole infertility business sucks, but I am so thankful that I have Ryan by my side. I can't wait to see what the next 5 years holds!!<br />
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Happy 5 years to Us!! \Here are some pictures for your enjoyment! I'm warning you, I had a hard time choosing so there are a lot of them!<br />
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Wow, that was a lot of pictures!<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-6867138441484336562012-09-12T11:37:00.002-07:002012-09-19T13:10:28.457-07:00I'm still here!Hello everyone!!!<br />
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Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. Today marks 6 weeks since we've been in Durango. I can't really say I've been too busy to write because, in all honestly, I've been blessedly un-busy! It has been fabulous! Life here is so much different, it's slower, way more relaxing and I LOVE it!! I thought that I would experience some homesickness at some point, but so far, nothing. I don't miss Arizona. I obviously miss my family and friends, but we've had so many visitors already that I haven't had a chance to miss people. And I think that I'm just so at peace here, that I haven't given it much thought. I needed this. We needed this. I said it before, but I had no idea how much we needed to just slow down. It's truly amazing to me the effect this move has had on our lives. Did I say how happy I am??<br />
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In the 6 weeks since we've been here, I haven't given infertility too much thought. I did, however, go to the Durango infertility support group last night. This decision came after a dinner we had last week. We went to dinner for Ryan's birthday and there was a table of two women sitting right behind us. I could hear their conversation and it was infertility related. I wanted to turn around and say, "I totally understand!! I get what you are saying, and you aren't alone. Want to be my friend?" Ha, but I didn't. That would have been really strange and I doubt I would have made a friend that way, so I decided to go to the support group instead. I realized that I miss talking about it. I miss that shared experience with women who truly get it. I miss the relationships and friendships that are made at a support group. <br />
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I'm feeling great right now. I'm not feeling sad or depressed or upset because we can't have a baby, but the desire to talk about it is still there. Since my diagnosis, one of my goals has always been to help people. Even if to just say, you are not alone, and I will continue to do that here!<br />
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And now for your viewing pleasure, more Durango pictures!!<br />
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Backyard View</div>
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Bear in the river!!!!</div>
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Same bear after he swam across the river. </div>
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Different bear saying Hi. </div>
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Just walking across the street. </div>
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Me and my baby Kashy </div>
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Blue Moon </div>
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Ryan's feet while sitting on the deck looking at the Blue moon.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggyQFbnSJbkaZPkeDHLi-Oz4ZH1SGRWb0KXD7FYYG9sj9Ax_rPsccvbTdRXfANCzJfx2HCSv9Sfubho10RltkZvHA5saVYa1ZnI7P2K2qL0bsZLUP7XfnpkavEKkTqtRBK9GIrE26HlRJx/s1600/Blue+Moon+Pics+022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggyQFbnSJbkaZPkeDHLi-Oz4ZH1SGRWb0KXD7FYYG9sj9Ax_rPsccvbTdRXfANCzJfx2HCSv9Sfubho10RltkZvHA5saVYa1ZnI7P2K2qL0bsZLUP7XfnpkavEKkTqtRBK9GIrE26HlRJx/s320/Blue+Moon+Pics+022.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Not the most flattering picture but whatever. Looking at the blue moon. </div>
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Blue moon. </div>
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More moon. </div>
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Bakers Bridge (this picture was taken with my phone and I did nothing to change the colors). Amazing place!!</div>
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My mom and I eating our burritos at Bakers Bridge. </div>
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Hike. The leaves are starting to change!!! I'm so excited to see this for the first time ever! </div>
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Relaxing by Spud Lake after our hike. </div>
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Us by the lake. </div>
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Michael loves to hike! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhddpBDOe2_4jaW-6fQd9nOaEWlm_wBXjrhFf8eAjJj1MmEThNs087qsWNvwcMHPmCUGtjZyGviN-jK5lH9kpL7cFTxri2rl0Omdpma5-xbY4R8A_Ih89EYscOpb0uqnVPz1SLhXeglv1oC/s1600/Spud+Lake+Hike+032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhddpBDOe2_4jaW-6fQd9nOaEWlm_wBXjrhFf8eAjJj1MmEThNs087qsWNvwcMHPmCUGtjZyGviN-jK5lH9kpL7cFTxri2rl0Omdpma5-xbY4R8A_Ih89EYscOpb0uqnVPz1SLhXeglv1oC/s320/Spud+Lake+Hike+032.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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More beautiful leaves! </div>
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Fall is in the air! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-kl8unFOE3-7E_Ibawu-4piCTd86xgEtCwZxqxyXpP6hhjy-EYWLFdb3yNo2frn8s-kQja2VIJeADV2WoYBa-dE8WVf9hwr1qf60zOt-B2SHr4sRjJGjf01AGqhw_N7aGz3q-ITfT17A/s1600/Spud+Lake+Hike+040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-kl8unFOE3-7E_Ibawu-4piCTd86xgEtCwZxqxyXpP6hhjy-EYWLFdb3yNo2frn8s-kQja2VIJeADV2WoYBa-dE8WVf9hwr1qf60zOt-B2SHr4sRjJGjf01AGqhw_N7aGz3q-ITfT17A/s320/Spud+Lake+Hike+040.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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So pretty! </div>
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Kash and me again! He's just so cuddly. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt9WCrQXtC_XZQM9vipBk_QieNpWYrekUdND5xVGPsqBPLvytBtFEIFsQeoebjaEBB41d8U5x0QsGtSiUAhnmxT15M_3oA8VJ_JyL6nOaVaWy0J0xI7kfJoSivNIL84NkQsumyJAdvoyzS/s1600/Spud+Lake+Hike+043.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt9WCrQXtC_XZQM9vipBk_QieNpWYrekUdND5xVGPsqBPLvytBtFEIFsQeoebjaEBB41d8U5x0QsGtSiUAhnmxT15M_3oA8VJ_JyL6nOaVaWy0J0xI7kfJoSivNIL84NkQsumyJAdvoyzS/s320/Spud+Lake+Hike+043.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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More bears!!! I love them (from the deck)! </div>
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Deer in the backyard. </div>
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Hi </div>
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Kash in the window. He jumped up there all by himself. Such a funny dog!</div>
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I'll will try my hardest not to go another month without writing, but I make no guarantees. I'm just so relaxed here. Best. Decision. Ever!!!! </div>
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~Tonya</div>
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-87895959059651887112012-08-10T09:41:00.001-07:002012-09-12T10:59:24.348-07:00A New AdventureHello from beautiful Durango!!<br />
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Well, it's been a little over a week since we got here. Those first few days were crazy. Half the time I didn't even know what day it was. Anyone who has moved knows how disorenting it can be, and moving to a different state is really exhausting. We were so lucky to have a lot of help with this move. I know it would've been even more difficult without it, so from the bottom of our hearts, thanks to those who helped! We really appreciate you!!<br />
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Our first week here by ourselves is almost over. Even though we've worked everyday this week, it still sort of feels like we are on vacation. I look around and see all of our stuff, but it doesn't seem real. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a dream. This house is amazing. The location is amazing. I look out the window every day and thank God for bringing us to this place. </div>
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I've thought a lot about kids this week. I can honestly say that I'm happy that we don't have kids yet. If we had children, if our lives had worked out like we had planned, we wouldn't be here today. I already feel so much more relaxed here. So much stress has melted away. This is exactly what we needed. I didn't realize how much I needed to just stop. Stop rushing off to doctors appointments, stop taking my temperature everyday, and stop peeing on a stick to see if I'm ovulating. Just stop thinking about babies all the time. I'm in such a different place than I was last year, hell, even last month. At this point I just want to enjoy the new adventure that Ryan and I have started, and stop trying to be in control. It's not my job anyway. </div>
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For your view pleasure. Here are some pictures from the move, our new home and our new surroundings. You can see why we love it here! </div>
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Yay! We're moving!</div>
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Me packing stuff up. </div>
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Picture in our old house. </div>
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Goodbye old house.</div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Driving into Durango</span></div>
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The back deck</div>
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View from the back deck</div>
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The Durango & Silverton train </div>
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Me sitting on the side deck (yes, this house has two awesome decks!) </div>
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Kash looking out the window</div>
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Michael looking out the window</div>
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Rain! It's rained almost everyday.</div>
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Deer in the backyard (we have yet to see a bear, but I really want to).</div>
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My new office.</div>
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Living room (ignore the mess).</div>
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Other side of the living room (again, ignore the mess).</div>
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Dinning room (you can see the other deck out those windows).</div>
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View from the hike we went on.</div>
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My boys taking a break from our walk by the river.</div>
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Ryan and I at a lookout up in the mountains. </div>
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More to come! Stay tuned.<br />
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~Tonya<br />
<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-72760057396085291682012-07-25T14:42:00.001-07:002012-07-25T14:42:55.819-07:00One WeekHey Everyone!<br />
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One week, that's all we have left. I still can't believe that we are moving to Durango in one week. I'm not sure if it just hasn't hit me yet, but I'm not that nervous or scared. Every time I think of it, I get so excited! I'm excited for this adventure. I'm excited to do something totally out of my comfort zone. I'm excited for a change. I really feel like only good things can come from this move. I know I"ll probably get a little sad in the coming days. We are leaving all our friends and family here. I've never left Arizona so this is a huge deal for me, but I'm just so excited!!<br />
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We've had a lot of people tell us lately that they are so jealous of us. I've been hearing it, but it wasn't until this weekend after church that it really hit me. We have been so blessed! We are in such a unique position. We both work for an amazing company that is letting us keep our jobs and work from home full time. And as much as we want children, because we don't have them, we are able to pick up and go anywhere we want without taking kids into consideration. I think it's so easy to sometimes get caught up in the things that we want and don't have, that we forget to look at what we do have. We are so blessed. When I look back on the last few years I find it so interesting how it's all worked out to lead us to this very spot. <br />
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I so believe it's true that God has a plan for our lives. He knows what he is doing. He sees the big picture. I just can't wait to see what comes next!! <br />
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My favorite verse, the one that keeps me going through all of this. <br />
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11<br />
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~TonyaTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-79304029433178257472012-07-16T12:03:00.002-07:002012-07-16T12:03:14.852-07:00Why Durango?Hey Everyone!<br />
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It has a been a super busy few weeks and it's only going to get crazier. For those of you that don't know, we signed a year lease on an amazing house in Durango last weekend and we will be moving August 1st!! That gives us less than 3 weeks to pack up our entire house!! Thank God for family and friends who are willing to help! <br />
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I did want to write a little bit about how this decision came about and why we chose Durango.<br />
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As you all have witnessed on this blog, this year has been tough for me so far. I've struggled a lot. I was starting to feel very stuck and unhappy. My life was not going the way I had envisioned and I was having a hard time accepting that. In mid April I really started to feel that something needed to change. <br />
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When I first met Ryan he told me that his dream would be to move back to Colorado some day. He lived in Durango for a year and he's always said that it was one of the best years of his life. I've never ever wanted to move. I liked where I lived and had no desire to leave. Plus my family and friends are here and I never wanted to move far away from them. After we got married, we just assumed that we would live here forever and it was fine for both of us. We bought our house and figured after a couple of years we would have some kids and live happily ever after. Obviously that didn't happen. <br />
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Infertility has 100% changed our lives. <br />
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One Monday at work this overwhelming desire to move came over me and I spent the whole day looking at houses in Durango. I got home that evening and told Ryan what I had spent my day doing and he said, "Don't mess with me, you know how much I would love to live there." I told him that I was serious, that I really think we need a change of scenery. From that day it moved very very quickly. We met with the Realtors and had our house on the market less than 2 weeks later. <br />
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Since the decision to move has been made, I have felt so excited and hopeful. I know this is the right thing for us to do. I'm ready for a different lifestyle. I'm ready to be more active, and live in a small town. I'm ready to just enjoy life and not stress about babies and infertility. I know this move is not going to "fix" our infertility. And I absolutely know that I am not running away from anything. The fact is when it comes to infertility, it will follow us where ever we go, because I am infertile. Period. <br />
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We've already had people tell us that we will probably get pregnant when we get there and to be ready. This annoys me. It is not stress that is keeping us from having a baby. In the 3 years since we've been trying, we've been on many stress free vacations and nothing has happened. I have a diagnosed issue. That being said, I do believe in miracles. If God wants to grant us our desire to have a baby when we move, we will be thrilled, but that is NOT why we are moving. I think we are done trying for a little while. Having a baby is no longer my main priority. I want to take care of myself. I want to enjoy our time in our new home, in a new town. I want to enjoy our life together, just the two of us (and our dogs!). The truth is I could wait another 10 years and be in the same spot I am now, doing donor egg IVF. I doubt we will wait that long, but who knows what the future holds. I sure don't...<br />
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Here are some pictures of where we will be living!<br />
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Us signing the lease!</div>
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Master shower </div>
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Master bathroom </div>
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Master Bedroom </div>
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Spare Bedroom (1 of 2) </div>
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Spare Bathroom </div>
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Living Room</div>
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View from the back deck </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">The Kitchen </span></div>
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The Dinning Room</div>
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Stay tuned! (I'll try not to wait so long for the next post, but I can't promise anything! We are moving!!! YAY)<br />
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~Tonya<br />
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1933556034770219162.post-23472029881483708272012-06-21T10:52:00.003-07:002012-06-21T10:52:35.611-07:00Moving on Up!Hey Friends!<br />
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Remember how a few posts ago I said we had some exciting things in the works, but I couldn't tell you all about them yet? Well here it is folks, our big news that has nothing to do with a baby.<br />
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Five years ago when we bought our house, we had a dream of what our life was going to look like. We were excited to paint and make our new house our home. Over the last 5 years we've loved living here. We've decorated, and put a lot of hard work into making this home exactly what we wanted. But there is one thing that we've never been able to give it, no matter how hard we've tried.<br />
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I always knew exactly which rooms would be our children's rooms. I would walk by and mentally picture where I would put the crib and the rocking chair, the changing table and dresser. I'd try to decide what colors we would go with, which always depended on if we had a boy or a girl. I pictured being pregnant and us painting the room. Having a great time getting it ready for our baby. I always imagined our cute spare bathroom with kids toys in the tub and a step up stool in front of the sink. That's what we dreamed of when we bought this house 5 years ago. That's the life we thought we would have...that's not the life we are living.<br />
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We've recently made some very big decisions. We are selling our house and moving to Durango, Colorado! <span style="background-color: white;">This decision has been extremely exciting, but it's also a little bittersweet. Leaving our home and going to some place unknown is scary, but we are so excited about what the future holds!</span><br />
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More to come on this move...Stay tuned!<br />
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~Tonya<br />
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For your viewing pleasure. Here are some pictures of us and our house. <br />
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Just got the keys to our house!!</div>
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Yay!! Ready to start our life together.</div>
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Ryan being a goofball while painting the den.</div>
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More painting of the den. (I'm wearing Ryan's clothes)</div>
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Painting the family room.</div>
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The kitchen</div>
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Painting is exhausting!</div>
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Ryan surprised me by painting our wedding day on the wall!</div>
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Backyard</div>
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Building the grill</div>
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The grill</div>
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Backyard </div>
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Grill completed</div>
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Our beautiful backyard!</div>
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Kash loves the backyard!</div>
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</div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06522469922480921027noreply@blogger.com2