Thursday, February 23, 2012


Hi Everyone!

I would like to tell to you all about a situation that happened this previous weekend.

I mentioned before that Ryan and I work for a travel agency. Well, because January was such a good month for the sales teams, Ryan and some of the other supervisors were given a free night's stay at a local casino. We were excited to have a reason to go out and get dressed up. We were also excited to just hang out with some work friends.

One of our co-workers, who I don't know very well, brought his girlfriend. When I first saw her she was sitting down. A little bit later she walked by me and I saw that she was obviously pregnant. My reaction to that was, "Oh man, she's pregnant!" I feel like I should probably explain what kind of sounds like a rude reaction. I have probably said it before, but I really really want to experience pregnancy. Seeing pregnant women is often harder for me than seeing babies. When I see a pregnant woman it is actually painful. It's hard to explain the physical reaction my body has, but it's an aching, empty feeling. It usually goes away just as quickly as it came, but that's almost always my first reaction.

After we said hi to everyone, Ryan and I went to walk around. He played blackjack and I watched. We were having a nice evening and I totally forgot about pregnant girl (that's what I'm going to call her). Later in the evening we came across her and another girl, who we work with, playing some slot machines. When we walked up, I immediately noticed that pregnant girl was drinking a glass of red wine and eating a bag of Doritos. I was kind of shocked at first, but then I just figured that one glass of red wine was probably okay and it's not really my place to judge. I just tried to ignore her altogether. We walked away again to talk to other people. The next time that we walked past pregnant girl, I noticed that she not only had a glass of wine, but she was now smoking!

At that point was when I completely lost it! Thank goodness we were walking away from her and I just saw it in passing because I'm not sure what I would have said. As it was, when I saw that I said to Ryan, "Are you F*cking kidding me, she's f*cking smoking!" I really really try not to curse, but it was such an uncontrollable response. I was absolutely furious! I then proceeded to burst into tears and tell Ryan I was ready to go back to the room. I was totally done hanging out for the night.

Now I've talked to other people who think it's completely wrong and disturbing, not to mention, harmful for a pregnant woman to be smoking and drinking. My reaction was that times like a million. I try not to play the why me card, because really, why not me? I'm no more special than any other person dealing with any other issue. But when I saw that, all I could think was why does she get to be pregnant? Why does she get to have a baby growing inside her and I can't? I was very very upset, we both were.
So what have we learned here? We've learned that smoking and drinking while pregnant is bad. Oh yeah, and it also makes an infertile woman lose her mind!


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Arizona Walk of Hope

Hi Everyone!

I've wanted to write this post for awhile now, but being sick and then vacation kind of got in the way.

I want to talk a little bit about the Walk of Hope. Some of you know that last year I participated in a contest that RESOLVE was putting on and I won a trip to Atlanta to walk in their Walk of Hope. I was also asked to give a speech while in Atlanta, which was a huge honor. At that time we hadn't known about our diagnosis for that long and I was just so relieved to find RESOLVE and know that other people were dealing with the same things that we were. Being diagnosed with infertility can be an extremely isolating diagnosis. Unlike other diseases, people are very hesitant to talk about their inability to have a child. Did you know that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples? That's about 7.3 million people in the U.S. alone. Look around, that's someone you know. That's more than just me. But some days, it feels like we are the only ones. I look around and see all of these people I know announcing pregnancies or having babies and it is hard. On one hand, I'm so happy for these people. I've always loved babies and been super excited when I hear that someone is having one. On the other hand, I am horribly, painfully jealous and sometimes even angry. I don't like these feelings at all, but it's such a part of my situation right now.

It's really hit me this week that we are going to be passed up. More and more of our friends and family members are going to be starting families. The feelings of isolation are only going to get worse. Once you have a baby, everything changes. Your whole world shifts and your focus is on the little human being you brought into the world. You see things through different eyes. I want that! I'm not sure when we will actually get that. And watching more and more people we know get that can be extremely difficult. Most of you don't know, but I lead a monthly infertility support group through RESOLVE. I found the support group last year and after going a few of times I volunteered to lead it when the previous leader decided to step down. Obviously it helps so much to be able to get together with people who share my feelings, can relate and sympathize.

Ok, I went on a little tangent there, apparently I needed to get that all out. Oh the roller-coaster of emotions that is infertility! So, you can see how important RESOLVE has been in my life. To have an organization whose sole purpose is to be a resource for those diagnosed with infertility is amazing. They raise money and awareness. They work on educating the politicians and government so that laws will be changed and infertility will be recognized as a disease that needs to be covered by insurance. My dream is to someday work for RESOLVE.

Now, about the Arizona Walk of Hope. RESOLVE and the volunteers here in Arizona are putting on the Walk of Hope on March 24th at Eldorado Park in Scottsdale. Registration begins at 8am and the Walk starts at 9am. All activities will be completed by 11am. This year it is free to participate in the walk. Like last year, I am trying to raise money for RESOLVE. I have set up a page and am asking all my friends and family and anyone who can to donate money to this very worthy organization. I was also asked by RESOLVE this year to make a short video about why I walk. A clip of the video is posted on the Arizona Walk of Hope home page. I will also add a link to the full video on here.

I don't usually like to ask people for money, but for this I am going to. If you can donate anything at all I would really really appreciate it. This money will go to RESOLVE to help them keep doing what they are doing.

To donate, go here and click on "Support Tonya"

To watch my youtube video:

And if anyone wants to come out to Eldorado Park on March 24th to walk with us, I would love to have you there!


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I'm back and I'm 30!

Hi Everyone!

Sorry for the delay in this post. I was going to write last week, but my computer became infected with a ton of viruses after we got home from the cruise, and I just got it back Sunday night. Thank goodness for my brother who knows how to fix computers!

Let's talk a bit about my 30th birthday cruise. It was wonderful! We went to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. I honestly think that it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. We had so much fun! Our group was amazing. I was really able to relax and just enjoy myself. I didn't want to come back home. I think for many people, it can be hard to come back to reality after an awesome vacation. Well for me, it was really hard. Last Monday and Tuesday I was kind of depressed. I wanted to be back on the ship, not thinking about all the hard stuff, just enjoying my family and friends. I'm feeling much better now, but last week was tough.

So, on to the hard stuff. I finally talked to the lady who runs the donor agency about our donor backing out. She told me what she said in the email, that they absolutely do not negotiate with the donors. They tried to reason with her, but ultimately she chose to go with an agency that would pay her more money. She is sending us a new updated list of all the donors. I will look through them, but I think Ryan and I have decided to wait a little longer to do the IVF. We just feel like the timing is not good right now. I'm not totally sure when we will start the process again, but for right now we are waiting. It does scare me some because I think that we will always be able to say the timing isn't good. Life happens and it's messy. If everyone waited until they were really ready to have kids, there probably wouldn't be very many people in the world. It's just so different with IVF. I'm going to admit that I am absolutely terrified to do IVF. I think a lot of people hear IVF and just assume that it will work and the person will end up with more than one baby, but the truth is, that on average, it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant. I'm scared it will fail. I'm scared that I will be too stressed and my body will not respond. I'm scared because we have to rely on a third person's body to respond to the drugs. We have to rely on a third person to follow through and not back out for more money. You can see why it's very easy to want to put it off. Why would any sane person want to do something that they know will cause them so much stress? I know I was so excited when we found the donor, but once it got closer and I had to start making appointments, I was a nervous wreck! Unless you have gone through the treatments, it's impossible to understand the emotional and physical stress. I don't even fully understand. I just know that it is going to be very hard, so we are waiting a little while longer.

Now you know why I didn't want to come back home after an awesome week of not worrying about any of this. But, that's not the way life works. I'm so thankful that I was able to go on such a wonderful vacation! We really did have the best time. Now, I will just take it day by day and we'll see what happens next!

I will leave you all with some pictures from the cruise. We took so many it was hard to decide which ones to share. Enjoy!

Just relaxing
 On the balcony
 First formal night
 Beautiful Ship!
 San Juan
 San Juan
 My 30th Birthday blue diamond ring!!!
 Magen's Bay St. Thomas. The beach we got married on almost 5 years ago!
 Birthday dinner
 They decorated our room for my birthday!
 Hanging out
 St. Maarten
 St. Maarten
 Second formal night
 Lobster night!!
 Hanging out some more
 We're number 1!
Being silly in the library