Again I apologize for the delay in posts. Maybe this blog will help explain why it's been so long.
I've realized that dealing with infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions. People use that term often, but until you've actually been on the "ride", I find it's hard to understand. I've been seriously struggling with motivation lately. I find that I have no desire to do anything, which is very frustrating when I have so much I need to be doing. If you could see the inside of our house, you would see what I mean by lack of motivation. I love you all, but I will not be inviting you over any time soon! Our house is an absolute disaster. It's ridiculous. I keep thinking to myself that I might feel better if I just cleaned some stuff up. Maybe unpack my bag that's been sitting in the living room since we got home from Sedona on Sunday or do some laundry. We bought a mail sorter thingy so we wouldn't have mail cluttering our counter, and where do you think the mail is? Yep, you guessed it, on the counter! It's like we try to do something and then we lose motivation and just let it all slide.
This motivation problem is not limited to cleaning. I've also been struggling with motivation at work, school, and with this blog. I have all of this stuff that I need to be doing, and I just don't want to do any of it. It's like it gets so overwhelming that I just completely shut down and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I just started my last two classes. In 7 weeks I will be done with school, but before I can be done, I have 13 papers, 2 presentations and 4 quizzes to do. You can see why I might be a little overwhelmed with school! The thing is I know I can do it, I will do it. It's just really hard to do things when the motivation to do them is not there. I find the end result ends up being a little lacking.
The last big thing, and maybe the reason for this current slide into no motivation land, is our donor IVF process. I finally called the donor agency to see if the donor that we had selected is still available. She is and if we want to use her, we will need to put $2000 down to hold her until we are ready to start in February. I also got a list of clinics in Texas that this agency has worked with. I need to call them all. I need to do research to find out how much it will all cost and the success rates of each. I need to compare them all. I'm thinking maybe I need to do a spreadsheet of some sort to keep it all straight. This part stresses me out so much. I don't know what to ask, where to start. I hate making phone calls and not knowing the right questions to ask. Now to be fair, all the people I have talked to so far at clinics have been so wonderful. They are used to talking to emotional people who don't know what to ask, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable for me. I know I need to do it, that this is what we want, but there is that motivation problem again. I don't want to do it. I'm procrastinating.
It hit me that I am probably slightly depressed. It's not uncommon for infertile people to jump back and forth between the stages of grief. This is all part of our infertility journey. But does that make it ok? Well I'm not totally sure and let me explain that. I'm very big on feeling what you are feeling while you are feeling it. Wow that's a lot of feelings! What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very important to not suppress your emotions. I truly think I have been able to deal with all of this because I'm a very transparent person. People know how I feel. But how long should I allow myself to feel a certain way before I try to move past it. I'm not saying that I should just get over things. There is no getting over infertility, but I also don't want to live my life the way I currently am. I don't like not having motivation. I don't like feeling like this. And since I now have a self-awareness of what is actually going on, I feel like it is my responsibility to do something about it. It's my life and if I don't like it, I'm the only one who can take steps to make it better. I don't like the idea of using our infertility as an excuse to linger in this current state. Is it ok that I'm feeling this way? Absolutely! But now it's time for the next stage.
So what's a non-motivated, slightly depressed girl with a to-do list as long as her arm to do? I have some ideas. But since I think this post is getting a little long, I'll have to tell you in a later post how it all works out. I have no doubt I'll be back to my old slightly more motivated self very soon! God willing...