Monday, January 12, 2015

Results

I so wish I could give you all good news, but I can't. I'm not pregnant. It didn't work.

I'm honestly doing OK. We are sad and disappointed, but overall, OK. I knew it didn't work. When the day came to take the test, I knew it would be negative. There was a small part of me that hoped I was wrong, that wanted to doubt what I instinctively knew, but unfortunately I was right. I know my body. And I'm an old pro at not being pregnant.

This is the part of infertility treatments that is so extremely hard. The constant ups and downs. I started the cycle off so positive. So happy, ready, excited and hopeful that it would work. I know the odds and they aren't necessarily in our favor, but I hoped anyway. I wanted it to work. I was ready for it to work. But as the days went by, the positive feelings died. I tried so hard this cycle to keep them alive, but the closer it got to test day, the more those positive feelings just left me. I doubted and I feared and I was right. I wish I wasn't, but I was. It didn't work.

I had a bad day earlier last week. I was so emotional and I cried a lot more than I normally do. It's been a long time since I cried over all of this. We've come a long way in this journey and I don't get as emotional as I used to, but last week I was super emotional and almost panicky. Looking back I think I knew it didn't work and I was mourning this cycle. I told Ryan that day that I just don't want to do this over and over again. I'm not strong enough to keep doing fertility treatments. They are so exhausting. Living my life based on what cycle day I'm on sucks so much. Sometimes I feel so weak because it's just easier to stop treatments, give up and live our lives childless, than it is to keep at it. I'm very good at that. I succeeded in ignoring and avoiding it all the last two years and it was a great two years. Infertility treatments are so so hard and no amount of me telling you this can make you understand how hard they are.

There is no break. Not much time to wrap your head around the negative result before having to jump right back into it. You can't take a break. If you take a break, it's for a whole cycle and then you are losing an opportunity to get pregnant. I'll be back at the Dr's office in about three days to start another cycle and if everything goes according to plan, I'll probably be inseminated on my 33rd birthday. At least this month I'll know what to expect. I'll be prepared for all the side effects from the drugs and the possible low ovarian response. I'll know what the IUI feels like and I'll remember how much the 2ww sucks. And again we'll hope and pray that it will work, because otherwise, what's the point?

I honestly don't know what will happen. I felt so strongly that this was the right path. That we needed to start treatments again. That we needed to have a baby. After a negative cycle, I don't know what I feel. It completely makes me question everything. Sometimes I feel like I might not want a baby bad enough. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love our lives without kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm fully ready to accept that as our path. I will say that as of now we are not ready for IVF or adoption. So, if the IUI's don't work, I don't know. I just have to believe it will work.

I want to thank you all so much for your prayers, positive thoughts, texts and messages to both Ryan and I. We've received so much support over this last cycle and it's meant so much to both of us. I felt those prayers and positive vibes. I felt calm and at peace for much of this last cycle. And even though I currently feel a little unsteady, I know that there are so many people out there rooting for us and that makes me feel very supported. You're all holding us up right now and we are so appreciative for every single one of you.

So, onward we go. Onto the next cycle. And we will try to be happy, ready, excited and hopeful again.

~Tonya

Monday, January 5, 2015

Insemination, A New Year and the 2WW

Hi Everyone!

Well, I've been inseminated and now we are waiting. I sort of explained how the whole process worked, I took drugs to stimulate my ovaries, got lots of ultrasounds to check my follicles, got a couple different hormone shots and then the insemination happened. I'm not going to share the exact date of the insemination because I need to at least keep that to us for now.

When I went in for the first ultrasound on Christmas Day to see how my body responded to the first 5 days of drugs I felt a little discouraged. I only had one good follicle on my right side and that was it. In a really good scenario you want 2 to 4 follicles. But this is my issue. This is why I'm infertile. I don't have the egg quantity that I should. I voiced my concern to the Dr and he said not to worry, it only takes one, so I've been trying to  focus on that since then. It only takes one. All I need is one good egg!

The day of the insemination I was so nervous.  I just wanted it to be done. Since this was our first one, I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't know how it would feel, or how long it would take. I'm so happy that it went smoothly. It was actually really easy, you know, minus the whole having to be inseminated part.

So, now we wait and try not think about any of it. I've actually done really well so far. I really dislike fertility treatments. Doing this cycle reminded me of that fact. The drugs are hard on my body. I had a headache for nearly 7 days, I felt so emotional and sensitive and just not myself. It's a very stressful thing for couples to do and I hated how it felt, so after that insemination was over, I felt so relieved! I felt like myself again. It was wonderful. I think that joy of feeling normal has gotten me through a good portion of the 2 week wait, but that does not mean it's been easy.

When you do fertility treatments and are in the waiting stage, there is a fear of hope. You don't want to get your hopes up too much because if you do, the failure is so much harder to take. I went into this cycle very positive and feeling really good. I still feel pretty good and feel pretty calm, but keeping the hope and faith gets harder and harder as the days goes by. This is what infertility is. A constant roller-coaster of emotions. You have hope that you're pregnant, that it finally happened and then you get your period and you come crashing down. And when this happens month after month, year after year, it gets harder and harder to have any hope at all. I tattooed the word on my wrist. I look at it every day. I had to have that permanent reminder to keep hope alive. It's not easy and it's a constant internal struggle. All day I'm trying to squash negative thoughts that pop into my head and replace them with positive ones. I'm trying to picture myself pregnant instead of planning out next months treatments. It's never ending and it's exhausting.

I will say that your prayers, positive thoughts and words of encouragement have helped us so much this cycle!! So so much.We feel them all. That's why I've felt relatively calm and at peace with everything. It's still hard, but it has helped knowing that everyone out there is hoping and praying for the same outcome that we are. I'm sure some of you have wondered if I will share the news if when it works! I thought about this before I ever shared this cycle and we've decided that we will share the news. Here's hoping for great news and an excellent 2015!!!

~Tonya

P.S. I know some of you out there have wanted to ask us how we are doing or what's going on but have been concerned about bugging us. I appreciate your desire to give us space, but please ask. Please feel free to check in and see how we are doing. We love receiving messages from our friends and family. A large reason I created this blog was to educate people about infertility so if you have a question, ask me or Ryan.You will not hurt our feelings if you don't quite understand how it all works.