I so wish I could give you all good news, but I can't. I'm not pregnant. It didn't work.
I'm honestly doing OK. We are sad and disappointed, but overall, OK. I knew it didn't work. When the day came to take the test, I knew it would be negative. There was a small part of me that hoped I was wrong, that wanted to doubt what I instinctively knew, but unfortunately I was right. I know my body. And I'm an old pro at not being pregnant.
This is the part of infertility treatments that is so extremely hard. The constant ups and downs. I started the cycle off so positive. So happy, ready, excited and hopeful that it would work. I know the odds and they aren't necessarily in our favor, but I hoped anyway. I wanted it to work. I was ready for it to work. But as the days went by, the positive feelings died. I tried so hard this cycle to keep them alive, but the closer it got to test day, the more those positive feelings just left me. I doubted and I feared and I was right. I wish I wasn't, but I was. It didn't work.
I had a bad day earlier last week. I was so emotional and I cried a lot more than I normally do. It's been a long time since I cried over all of this. We've come a long way in this journey and I don't get as emotional as I used to, but last week I was super emotional and almost panicky. Looking back I think I knew it didn't work and I was mourning this cycle. I told Ryan that day that I just don't want to do this over and over again. I'm not strong enough to keep doing fertility treatments. They are so exhausting. Living my life based on what cycle day I'm on sucks so much. Sometimes I feel so weak because it's just easier to stop treatments, give up and live our lives childless, than it is to keep at it. I'm very good at that. I succeeded in ignoring and avoiding it all the last two years and it was a great two years. Infertility treatments are so so hard and no amount of me telling you this can make you understand how hard they are.
There is no break. Not much time to wrap your head around the negative result before having to jump right back into it. You can't take a break. If you take a break, it's for a whole cycle and then you are losing an opportunity to get pregnant. I'll be back at the Dr's office in about three days to start another cycle and if everything goes according to plan, I'll probably be inseminated on my 33rd birthday. At least this month I'll know what to expect. I'll be prepared for all the side effects from the drugs and the possible low ovarian response. I'll know what the IUI feels like and I'll remember how much the 2ww sucks. And again we'll hope and pray that it will work, because otherwise, what's the point?
I honestly don't know what will happen. I felt so strongly that this was the right path. That we needed to start treatments again. That we needed to have a baby. After a negative cycle, I don't know what I feel. It completely makes me question everything. Sometimes I feel like I might not want a baby bad enough. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love our lives without kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm fully ready to accept that as our path. I will say that as of now we are not ready for IVF or adoption. So, if the IUI's don't work, I don't know. I just have to believe it will work.
I want to thank you all so much for your prayers, positive thoughts, texts and messages to both Ryan and I. We've received so much support over this last cycle and it's meant so much to both of us. I felt those prayers and positive vibes. I felt calm and at peace for much of this last cycle. And even though I currently feel a little unsteady, I know that there are so many people out there rooting for us and that makes me feel very supported. You're all holding us up right now and we are so appreciative for every single one of you.
So, onward we go. Onto the next cycle. And we will try to be happy, ready, excited and hopeful again.