Are you ready for my "Don't Ignore" post?? I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to write about and just now I came up with the perfect topic for me. So here goes...
I'm going to let you all in on a secret that I've never told anyone, not even Ryan. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad that it hurts me to see pregnant women. You all know this, I've told you this. This isn't the secret.
I've gained weight the last 5 years. It happens. I got married, got happy and slowly over the last 5 years have gained about 40 lbs. Now, those of you who have know me a long time would say that's good! I needed that weight. I was too skinny. Yes, I did need some of the weight, but now I'm not that happy with all of it, but that's not really the point of this post.
I want to be pregnant. Did I say that already? My desire to be pregnant is so strong that sometimes I will stand in front of the mirror and I'll cradle my belly like I'm actually pregnant. I put one hand underneath and one hand on top and I look at it in the mirror and I wish so hard that there was actually a baby in there. It makes me cry to actually admit this. My desire to be pregnant is so strong that I pretend that my fat is a baby. It sounds so ridiculous to say, but it's true. I look at myself and I can picture it. I can picture what I would look like if I was pregnant. I can picture Ryan putting his hands on my stomach and feeling our baby kick. I can picture him talking to the baby. All these things I stand there and picture while I cradle my fat. And then I look myself in the eyes and remind myself that it's not real, that I'm not pregnant, that it is just fat and I try to suck it in and go on with my day. But for that moment, I can picture it and I want it to be real so bad it hurts.
So, don't ignore my desire to be pregnant! Don't ask me why we don't just adopt. It's more than just wanting a child and wanting to be a parent. I want to be pregnant! I want to feel our child grow in my body. Period. End of story. That's what we want, so don't ignore it!
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)