Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Don't Ignore...


Hi Everyone! 

Are you ready for my "Don't Ignore" post?? I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to write about and just now I came up with the perfect topic for me. So here goes...

I'm going to let you all in on a secret that I've never told anyone, not even Ryan. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad that it hurts me to see pregnant women. You all know this, I've told you this. This isn't the secret. 

I've gained weight the last 5 years. It happens. I got married, got happy and slowly over the last 5 years have gained about 40 lbs. Now, those of you who have know me a long time would say that's good! I needed that weight. I was too skinny. Yes, I did need some of the weight, but now I'm not that happy with all of it, but that's not really the point of this post. 

I want to be pregnant. Did I say that already? My desire to be pregnant is so strong that sometimes I will stand in front of the mirror and I'll cradle my belly like I'm actually pregnant. I put one hand underneath and one hand on top and I look at it in the mirror and I wish so hard that there was actually a baby in there. It makes me cry to actually admit this. My desire to be pregnant is so strong that I pretend that my fat is a baby. It sounds so ridiculous to say, but it's true. I look at myself and I can picture it. I can picture what I would look like if I was pregnant. I can picture Ryan putting his hands on my stomach and feeling our baby kick. I can picture him talking to the baby. All these things I stand there and picture while I cradle my fat. And then I look myself in the eyes and remind myself that it's not real, that I'm not pregnant, that it is just fat and I try to suck it in and go on with my day. But for that moment, I can picture it and I want it to be real so bad it hurts. 

So, don't ignore my desire to be pregnant! Don't ask me why we don't just adopt. It's more than just wanting a child and wanting to be a parent. I want to be pregnant! I want to feel our child grow in my body. Period. End of story. That's what we want, so don't ignore it!




http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

~Tonya

Thursday, April 19, 2012

National Infertility Awareness Week

Hi Everyone!

This week has been very interesting but I can't really tell you about it yet. Sorry! Things are in the works! Exciting stuff possibly happening. I can't wait to share it with you all, but for now since I can't, I'm going to tell you about next weeks post.

Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week! It's a week fully devoted to raising awareness and breaking the silence about infertility. This year's theme is "Don't Ignore Infertility." I will be participating in RESOLVE's Bloggers Unite campaign.You will see a blog next week with the title of "Don't Ignore..." My blog will be one of many that will be up for consideration for their yearly Hope Awards. I'm pretty excited about this and I would love to win the award for best blog. I've been trying to think about what to write about for weeks now. Obviously there are many ways to go with that theme... We'll have to see what I come up with.

Leave me a comment below if you have any ideas on what I should "not ignore" next week.

Stay tuned!

~Tonya



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Thoughts about the 2012 AZ Walk of Hope

Hi Everyone!

This post is a couple weeks overdue, but I still wanted to let you all know how the Walk of Hope went and share some of my thoughts. I think the day was a success in terms of the number of people there and the money raised. That's a huge deal and I thank everyone who came and supported us in what we are trying to accomplish.

I was very nervous to speak so the morning is a bit of a blur. I was one of three people who spoke and once I got up there I felt great. I really think I'm getting better and better at speaking in public. I never would have thought I'd be saying that. Very strange. Anyway, to be honest, I was a little annoyed while I was up there. As I stood there, sharing some very personal stuff, I looked around and saw people talking. They were having side conversations while I was giving my very short speech! This is one of my pet peeves. I think it is so disrespectful and rude to talk while someone else is speaking. Especially about something so very personal. That was frustrating, but I felt like my speech was good!

Overall, I felt like the event had a very different feel to it than the one in Atlanta last year. I've thought about the reasons for this difference a lot in the past couple of weeks and I'm still not sure I can accurately describe what I mean. The best way I can say it is that Atlanta, Georgia is a very different place than Scottsdale, Arizona. The people last year in Atlanta were so welcoming to me. I really felt like they listened and cared about what I was saying. They talked to me and thanked me for speaking. This year, was very different. I was expecting that strong feeling of community that I felt last year, and I didn't feel it. Now I think there are so many reasons and variables for this difference. I'm not saying that the people who were at the AZ Walk don't care, I just think it's a different culture.

What I've really come to realize is that if it would have been someone else up there speaking, I probably wouldn't have walked up to her and said anything afterward either. I would have done the same exact thing that all those people did. It's an interesting realization and one that has got me thinking that I want to work on being more friendly. I don't smile at people when they walk by. I don't say hi to people I pass. I'm too busy talking to myself (I realize that makes me sound really crazy! Ha), thinking about my own life or looking at my phone, to take a second and greet someone else. The other thing that I've noticed and I think is even worse, is that I will actually go out of my way to avoid people sometimes. People that I actually know! This is slightly disturbing to me and I'm not sure why I do it.

It's all made me wonder if it's true that people in the South really are more friendly and if they are, why? In my very limited experience they are and I want to work on being more like them. It's also made me wonder about our society as a whole. We are all so busy with our lives. I wonder how many other people do what I do and don't even realize it. It's a very interesting observation and something I am going to work on improving within myself.

Here is my speech if you would like to watch it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRCvAC7ZlvY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Thanks for reading and Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Invisible Pain of Holidays

Holidays can really suck when you are infertile! I wish I could say that I am looking forward to Easter, but in all honesty, I'm kind of dreading it. Easter, like pretty much every other holiday, is very child and family oriented. There's the excitement of coloring eggs, then hiding and finding them. The excitement of the Easter Bunny coming and leaving a basket filled with goodies. Getting dressed up in cute little Easter outfits. Now, I know what the real reason for Easter is, but that doesn't always make it easier. It doesn't take away from the fact that everywhere I look, there are cute kids excited about the day's festivities. It's very very hard for us to witness.

I don't think people always understand the pain I associate with holidays. Infertility is such an invisible pain. It's a pain that you can't see and that doesn't always make sense to the outside world. We didn't necessarily lose anyone, but in a way it feels like we did. I look around on Easter and I see what I thought we'd have. And all the kids and families excited about the day is a very physical reminder of what we lack. I'm crying right now just writing this. I don't want to go anywhere on Sunday. I want to stay inside, lock my doors and forget what is happening outside. I don't want to spend time with family and friends on Sunday. I don't want to watch their cute little kids hunt for eggs! I don't want to, it's just too hard!

And yet I feel bad for even feeling this way. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I feel guilty. It's ridiculous! I feel like I'm going to be judged for not wanting to go out. I feel like people are going to be mad or disappointed if I don't show up. I've tried so hard to put up a good front, to act like being around people's children is OK, that I'm fine, but that's a lie. It's so painful. I feel guilty because I don't want the people around me to know how much it hurts to be around them and their families. Maybe that's my problem. I'm a little too empathetic sometimes. I worry about my feelings but sometimes more about the feelings of everyone around me. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I don't want them to feel guilty for having kids, when we can't. Ugh, it's a vicious cycle of worrying and it's exhausting sometimes. 

I've realized lately that I've been sugarcoating some of my posts. I'm going to try to stop doing that. I'm going to try to stop worrying about what other people think about me. I'm going to try and be more honest with myself and with you all about what's really going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a pretty positive person overall, but I have bad times and this is one of them. 

If you see me on Sunday, please know that it took all I had to get out of bed. If I seem a little distant or like I'm not interested in your children, just know that I do love them and I'm trying not to cry.

~Tonya