Hi Everyone!
Are you ready for my "Don't Ignore" post?? I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to write about and just now I came up with the perfect topic for me. So here goes...
I'm going to let you all in on a secret that I've never told anyone, not even Ryan. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad that it hurts me to see pregnant women. You all know this, I've told you this. This isn't the secret.
I've gained weight the last 5 years. It happens. I got married, got happy and slowly over the last 5 years have gained about 40 lbs. Now, those of you who have know me a long time would say that's good! I needed that weight. I was too skinny. Yes, I did need some of the weight, but now I'm not that happy with all of it, but that's not really the point of this post.
I want to be pregnant. Did I say that already? My desire to be pregnant is so strong that sometimes I will stand in front of the mirror and I'll cradle my belly like I'm actually pregnant. I put one hand underneath and one hand on top and I look at it in the mirror and I wish so hard that there was actually a baby in there. It makes me cry to actually admit this. My desire to be pregnant is so strong that I pretend that my fat is a baby. It sounds so ridiculous to say, but it's true. I look at myself and I can picture it. I can picture what I would look like if I was pregnant. I can picture Ryan putting his hands on my stomach and feeling our baby kick. I can picture him talking to the baby. All these things I stand there and picture while I cradle my fat. And then I look myself in the eyes and remind myself that it's not real, that I'm not pregnant, that it is just fat and I try to suck it in and go on with my day. But for that moment, I can picture it and I want it to be real so bad it hurts.
So, don't ignore my desire to be pregnant! Don't ask me why we don't just adopt. It's more than just wanting a child and wanting to be a parent. I want to be pregnant! I want to feel our child grow in my body. Period. End of story. That's what we want, so don't ignore it!
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
~Tonya
6 comments:
I didn't ignore it....
I was one of those insensitive people and I'm truly sorry about that. I don't know why I was, cause I feel about motherhood the way you do.
I know it is devastating for you, but never give up! When things go wrong in your plans and nothing seems that it will go right, just remember, God has his own special plan for. He loves you very much. He's right beside you in your pain. I honestly believe that one day, you will deliver a healthy baby, the natural way. I will faithfully keep you in my prayers.
Love you guys!
Aunt Phyllis
You don't know me, but I went to college with Ryan. I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you. The vulnerabilty you show in your posts touches my heart. God has a plan and God has PERFECT timing. Later on down this road, you're going to get pregnant and say to yourself "OH! THIS is why God made us wait!" There is always that moment. I believe that God gives us the desires of our heart. He has given you that desire...that STRONG desire...it's a GOD thing! So KNOW...have FAITH...that HE will make this happen when the time is right. Again I'm praying for you! Take care, Jennifer Wilson-Peters
Now Plan your Pregnancy as you like with home check ovulation kit. You can now choose your ovulation time, date and symptoms of pregnancy at your home.
OR
011-43104538, 9560506177, email – home.check.new@gmail.com http://www.home-check.net.in/
I just want to say too that I have gained weight too, so don't feel bad, just be aware of where you are and where you don't want to go with it. I have gained at least 20 pounds n the last year from treatments, Uggg. I found your blog on the NIAW post list :) Glad I came across it!! Sending you baby dust girl, I felt every word of your post... I have felt exactly what you feel. ((Hugs))
I remember those feelings. You're right, they should not be ignored. Stay mindful of your victorious place in Christ.
I hope you were encouraged and strengthened by the devotionals I emailed to you.
Evangeline
Post a Comment