Friday, July 18, 2014

Age and the Biological Clock

Lately I've been feeling slightly obsessed with my age and with the passage of time.  I think about it nearly every day.  I think about how I can't believe I'm in my early 30's, or that I graduated high school 14 years ago.  I can't believe I've worked for my current company for almost 9 years and we've been married almost 7.  We've been in Durango for almost 2 years already and it's gone by in a blink of an eye.  It's this constant feeling that the years are going too fast and it makes me feel panicky.

It hit me the other day that I might be starting to feel that clock tick.  I've heard about the biological clock but I've never really thought about it.  When we started trying I was in my mid 20's.  I didn't feel rushed.  Even after the diagnosis I didn't feel any pressure that my time was running out.  We've taken a break the last couple years and I'm so glad.  We've had an awesome time, but suddenly I feel like my time is getting shorter and shorter.  And I can't tell you how scary that is for someone who has already been trying for 5 years.  I'm 32 years old.  I know in the grand scheme of life that's not old, but in terms of fertility it is.

I recently started a second job for a few hours every afternoon in a 2 year old room at a preschool.  I never thought I'd be able to go back to that kind of work.  I loved kids for so many years and then after the diagnosis I had such a hard time being around them.  I was sad and angry and resentful.  I'm happy to say that I enjoy their company again.  I've had a couple moments where I've felt sad, but for the most part, I feel really good and happy.  But this obsession with my age is starting to weigh on me.  I compare my age to every single parent at this preschool. Some of them are younger, some about my age and some are older than me.  I'm intrigued with the ones who are older.  I wonder if they went through infertility treatments or if they were able to get pregnant naturally.  I wonder if they waited till later in life on purpose or did they have problems or did they wake up one day in their late 30's and think well I guess we better have a baby now if we want one. If we ever have kids, that will be us.  The older parents.

I think I feel panicky because we still don't have a plan to go back to treatments.  We are enjoying our life so much right now.  We have other plans.  We are renewing our lease in this house for one more year and then we plan to buy something in Durango next year. We don't want to think about pricey fertility treatments, but at the same time I realize we have to start thinking about it again.  We're not getting any younger and I'm already at a disadvantage because of my old eggs.  I just keep hoping it will happen naturally and we won't have to spend thousands of dollars on it all again.  We don't have that kind of money to put toward it all right now, not with trying to buy a house.  It's such a huge issue for infertile couples.  A down payment on a house is a round or two of IVF.  It's stressful and how do you choose.

I guess right now kids still aren't our main priority and that's OK with me.  I know, biologically speaking, they will have to become a priority eventually.  Until then, I'll just be over here getting older and trying not to obsess about it too much.



Christine Fredrickson said...

Well buying a house is definitely hard and trying especially on your bank account but so is a baby through IVF no doubt. We are still trying to have another baby for the last 6 years since the boys. I am completely and utterly grateful for our baby boys, no doubt, but it's still hard no being upset that we can't but only by IVF, possibly again. I'm going on 34 and next September when I turn 35, that's it for us...Our clock will be done per say. We know people that keep having babies when they shouldn't be and it's so annoying and trying on us all the same. Oops, did I just say that out loud? Lord forgive me! You two are great parents to your animals and I just know you will be to precious humans as well. I'm praying hard for you!

Tonya said...

I hope and pray you guys get your baby before you hit that awful number 35! I hate that number in terms of fertility. Like I need to be told that I'm advanced maternal age. Dumb! I know you are so happy with your boys, but never feel bad about wanting another one. You had a vision for your family and until it's complete, it will probably feel like something is missing. And I know how frustrating and annoying it can be to see people keep having babies who probably shouldn't. We appreciate the prayers and they are coming right back to you guys!!!

Christine Fredrickson said...

Awww thanks Tonya! Yes 35 sucks in that aspect. Plus it's not ideal for us thinking of being older parents but God works in mysterious ways I suppose! :)