I'm back and I'm 30!

Hi Everyone!

Sorry for the delay in this post. I was going to write last week, but my computer became infected with a ton of viruses after we got home from the cruise, and I just got it back Sunday night. Thank goodness for my brother who knows how to fix computers!

Let's talk a bit about my 30th birthday cruise. It was wonderful! We went to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. I honestly think that it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. We had so much fun! Our group was amazing. I was really able to relax and just enjoy myself. I didn't want to come back home. I think for many people, it can be hard to come back to reality after an awesome vacation. Well for me, it was really hard. Last Monday and Tuesday I was kind of depressed. I wanted to be back on the ship, not thinking about all the hard stuff, just enjoying my family and friends. I'm feeling much better now, but last week was tough.

So, on to the hard stuff. I finally talked to the lady who runs the donor agency about our donor backing out. She told me what she said in the email, that they absolutely do not negotiate with the donors. They tried to reason with her, but ultimately she chose to go with an agency that would pay her more money. She is sending us a new updated list of all the donors. I will look through them, but I think Ryan and I have decided to wait a little longer to do the IVF. We just feel like the timing is not good right now. I'm not totally sure when we will start the process again, but for right now we are waiting. It does scare me some because I think that we will always be able to say the timing isn't good. Life happens and it's messy. If everyone waited until they were really ready to have kids, there probably wouldn't be very many people in the world. It's just so different with IVF. I'm going to admit that I am absolutely terrified to do IVF. I think a lot of people hear IVF and just assume that it will work and the person will end up with more than one baby, but the truth is, that on average, it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant. I'm scared it will fail. I'm scared that I will be too stressed and my body will not respond. I'm scared because we have to rely on a third person's body to respond to the drugs. We have to rely on a third person to follow through and not back out for more money. You can see why it's very easy to want to put it off. Why would any sane person want to do something that they know will cause them so much stress? I know I was so excited when we found the donor, but once it got closer and I had to start making appointments, I was a nervous wreck! Unless you have gone through the treatments, it's impossible to understand the emotional and physical stress. I don't even fully understand. I just know that it is going to be very hard, so we are waiting a little while longer.

Now you know why I didn't want to come back home after an awesome week of not worrying about any of this. But, that's not the way life works. I'm so thankful that I was able to go on such a wonderful vacation! We really did have the best time. Now, I will just take it day by day and we'll see what happens next!

I will leave you all with some pictures from the cruise. We took so many it was hard to decide which ones to share. Enjoy!

Just relaxing

 On the balcony

 First formal night

 Beautiful Ship!

 San Juan

 San Juan

 My 30th Birthday blue diamond ring!!!

 Magen's Bay St. Thomas. The beach we got married on almost 5 years ago!

 Birthday dinner

 They decorated our room for my birthday!

 Hanging out

 St. Maarten

 St. Maarten

 Second formal night

 Lobster night!!

 Dinner

 Hanging out some more

 We're number 1!

 Kisses!

Being silly in the library

A Change of Plans

Hi,

Well some of you might know that we had to change our plans for this week. We were supposed to fly to Dallas on Wednesday night for our appointments on Thursday. Well on Monday I started feeling kind of sick. By Tuesday evening I had a fever of 103, a horrible cough, snotty nose, plugged up ears, and a very sore throat. It was pretty obvious that I was not going to be well enough to work a full day on Wednesday and then fly, so we decided that we would cancel our appointments. I woke up Wednesday with a fever of 101 and felt like my head was going to explode. I called the clinic and cancelled our appointments. I was disappointed, but I felt so sick that I just didn't care. The thought of flying was not a pleasant one. Making the decision not to go turned out to be a very good idea. For those of you wondering, I woke up with a fever of 101 again today and made an appointment with my doctor. It turns out I probably have an upper respiratory infection and a sinus infection, maybe even bronchitis. I've been given all sorts of medications to take. Hopefully they'll work and I'll feel better by next Friday when we fly to Florida for our cruise.. At this point the cruise is the most important thing. I've been planning this for a year so I need to be better!

You all might be thinking, "Oh man, I'm so sorry, that really sucks you had to cancel." Well let me just tell you that me being sick was not the only thing that happened this week. Yesterday, while I was sitting in bed trying to rest, my phone buzzed. I picked it up and saw that I had an email from the donor agency. Instead of telling you what the email said, I'll let you all read it:

Tonya-
I wanted to talk to you in person but don't have your phone number with me at home.

I know you are supposed to go to the clinic this week.

The donor is not cooperating and has asked for more $$$

We don't allow any donor to negotiate compensation so she has decided to go with another agency that will compensate her $8000 in Chicago.

We tried to reason with her, etc. but to no avail.  This is horrible news and we are just devastated.  I felt it was best to just tell you exactly what happened and I told Tomisina at the clinic also.  I would have preferred to tell you in person via phone.

You know what I did after I read that email?? I laughed. Probably not the reaction you would expect, maybe it was the fever messing with my brain, but I laughed. I sat there and thought to myself that this email was kind of ironic. While lying in bed on Tuesday, burning up with a fever, I asked Ryan if he thought me being sick was a sign, that maybe we shouldn't be going. When that email came through I decided that it was a very good thing that we didn't go.

I did eventually cry a little, but not as much as you would expect. I think I'm still just too sick to worry about it. I do know that this means we have to start all over again and I just don't want to think about it. I'll take denial for another couple of weeks. I need this cruise more than anything now. I need to go have fun, relax, rest, and enjoy my family and friends.

I want you all to know that both Ryan and I are doing ok. In my last blog I talked about how great 2012 is going to be. Even though it hasn't had the kind of start I hoped it would, I still think it's going to be great. I believe God has a plan. This will all work out the way it is supposed to. We are just starting our journey.

Stay tuned

~Tonya

A New Year

Hi Everyone! Happy New Year!

2012! I think this is going to be a good year. It just sounds like a good number, well at least it does to me.

For those of you wondering about the news thing, here's the update. They haven't forgotten about me, but it's local news. I've been in contact with the reporter and she is still interested in doing a story on us, it's just hard because other stories come up that need to be reported. Hopefully it will work out soon.

Now, on to the fun stuff! January is going to be a busy month. We have our first appointment with the clinic that we chose in Dallas on the 12th. I have to go in because the Dr. needs to get a "feel for my uterus". I'm not totally sure what that means, but it sounds like a blast, don't ya think? I know you're all jealous. Flying to another state to get naked from the waist down and into stirrups is definitely my definition of fun! Ha. Oh the joys of infertility. Anyway, I'm assuming that after that appointment we will have a better idea of the schedule of things to come. We plan on starting our first cycle of IVF in February, as long as the timing all works out. I'll give you all more information on that after my appointment next week.

The next exciting thing in January is the cruise and my 30th Birthday! Now this I am super excited for! I've been planning this cruise for a long time, so I'm thrilled that it's almost here. A week of relaxing on a beautiful ship and on the beach in the Caribbean is just what I need to prepare my body for what's to come. I hope to come back relaxed and refreshed, ready to start the baby making process.

Here's to a great 2012! Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Awesome News!

Hi Everyone!!

So guess what?!? I've been contacted by a local news station about telling our story on the news!! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this opportunity! I'm not totally sure if it will happen yet, but the fact that someone read my blog and was touched enough by our story to want to pass it on, makes me feel so good! I'll keep you all posted!

I am also excited to say that I have only one week left of school! While I know that may not be exciting to all of you, I am overjoyed! I am so ready to start writing more blog posts and start volunteering more. Oh yeah, and start working on having a baby of our own!

Exciting stuff is happening! Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Can I get a little Motivation Please?

Hi All!

Again I apologize for the delay in posts. Maybe this blog will help explain why it's been so long.

I've realized that dealing with infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions. People use that term often, but until you've actually been on the "ride", I find it's hard to understand. I've been seriously struggling with motivation lately. I find that I have no desire to do anything, which is very frustrating when I have so much I need to be doing. If you could see the inside of our house, you would see what I mean by lack of motivation. I love you all, but I will not be inviting you over any time soon! Our house is an absolute disaster. It's ridiculous. I keep thinking to myself that I might feel better if I just cleaned some stuff up. Maybe unpack my bag that's been sitting in the living room since we got home from Sedona on Sunday or do some laundry. We bought a mail sorter thingy so we wouldn't have mail cluttering our counter, and where do you think the mail is? Yep, you guessed it, on the counter! It's like we try to do something and then we lose motivation and just let it all slide.

This motivation problem is not limited to cleaning. I've also been struggling with motivation at work, school, and with this blog. I have all of this stuff that I need to be doing, and I just don't want to do any of it. It's like it gets so overwhelming that I just completely shut down and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I just started my last two classes. In 7 weeks I will be done with school, but before I can be done, I have 13 papers, 2 presentations and 4 quizzes to do. You can see why I might be a little overwhelmed with school! The thing is I know I can do it, I will do it. It's just really hard to do things when the motivation to do them is not there. I find the end result ends up being a little lacking.

The last big thing, and maybe the reason for this current slide into no motivation land, is our donor IVF process. I finally called the donor agency to see if the donor that we had selected is still available. She is and if we want to use her, we will need to put $2000 down to hold her until we are ready to start in February. I also got a list of clinics in Texas that this agency has worked with. I need to call them all. I need to do research to find out how much it will all cost and the success rates of each. I need to compare them all. I'm thinking maybe I need to do a spreadsheet of some sort to keep it all straight. This part stresses me out so much. I don't know what to ask, where to start. I hate making phone calls and not knowing the right questions to ask. Now to be fair, all the people I have talked to so far at clinics have been so wonderful. They are used to talking to emotional people who don't know what to ask, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable for me.  I know I need to do it, that this is what we want, but there is that motivation problem again. I don't want to do it. I'm procrastinating.

It hit me that I am probably slightly depressed. It's not uncommon for infertile people to jump back and forth between the stages of grief. This is all part of our infertility journey. But does that make it ok? Well I'm not totally sure and let me explain that. I'm very big on feeling what you are feeling while you are feeling it. Wow that's a lot of feelings! What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very important to not suppress your emotions. I truly think I have been able to deal with all of this because I'm a very transparent person. People know how I feel. But how long should I allow myself to feel a certain way before I try to move past it. I'm not saying that I should just get over things. There is no getting over infertility, but I also don't want to live my life the way I currently am. I don't like not having motivation. I don't like feeling like this. And since I now have a self-awareness of what is actually going on, I feel like it is my responsibility to do something about it.  It's my life and if I don't like it, I'm the only one who can take steps to make it better. I don't like the idea of using our infertility as an excuse to linger in this current state. Is it ok that I'm feeling this way? Absolutely! But now it's time for the next stage.

So what's a non-motivated, slightly depressed girl with a to-do list as long as her arm to do? I have some ideas. But since I think this post is getting a little long, I'll have to tell you in a later post how it all works out. I have no doubt I'll be back to my old slightly more motivated self very soon! God willing...

Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Isn't it ironic?

Hi again! Two days in a row! Cool!

I had to write about this because I just thought it was so ridiculous, funny and ironic. But before I go into my story, I want to preface it. Please remember, while reading this, that I am infertile. I am writing this from my current perspective. I don't think the world should revolve around me and absolutely don't expect people to change what they do. My goal, with this blog, is to help people understand what it is like to live everyday with infertility. If that maybe makes someone a little more aware of what they say or do and how it affects people, then that is awesome. Infertility sucks, but I've gotten very good at seeing the humor in it all.

When you are infertile, not a day goes by that something doesn't remind you of the fact that you can't have a baby. There are the obvious reminders. Pregnant women and babies EVERYWHERE. Pictures of super cute babies all over the place. This recent Facebook "game" to raise awareness for breast cancer. I'm not sure how posting a fake pregnancy announcement helps bring awareness to breast cancer, but I can tell you, it did not make me think, "Wow, look at all these people doing good for beast cancer by pretending to be pregnant. Go team breasts!" Even fake pregnancy announcements can sting for someone who can't have a baby. Then there are things that are not as obvious, but to me, are still reminders. Things such as my teacher asking, "Who has kids in here? Raise your hand." I feel like there is a blinking neon sign above my head that says, "Infertile! Can't have kids." Or having to read some research about a new science called epigenetics. The title of the article is Why Your DNA isn't Your Destiny. I have to use donor eggs, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about genetics and DNA. It is incredibly interesting stuff and I really want to learn more about it, but how could I not think about my situation while reading that? I'm not saying that this was a bad reminder, it was just a reminder.

All of that brings me to the reason for this post and specifically the title. Two weeks ago my teacher started talking about this activity we were going to do. She told us that she was going to give us all a "baby" and we had to take good care of it (see, another reminder! This was the first day of class people!). We were supposed to bring something, about the size of our hand, to class to take home our "baby". So last Wednesday I go to class with an old cell phone box with some tissue paper in it. My teacher comes to class with a carton of eggs and some markers. We were told to grab an egg and create our "baby" with the markers. Then we were told that we were supposed to take that "baby" with us everywhere and when we got upset about something we were supposed to mark on our "baby" with a permanent marker. Now I totally understand the reason for this assignment, and it did help me to be more conscious of why I got angry. When you have to create marks for every time you get upset, it makes you think about why you are getting upset in the first place. Plus it was a very visible reminder. I did not carry my "baby" with me everywhere I went, but I did keep track of the times I got mad. I just couldn't really get into this assignment, which I think is totally understandable. As I was walking to class last night with my egg "baby" it dawned on me. This teacher gave an egg "baby" to a person that can't have babies because she doesn't have any eggs. So I repeat, isn't it ironic? Ha ha

Here is a picture of my egg "baby" in his cell phone box home. I named him Logan.

 P.S. I'm really sorry if you now have that song in your head.

 ~Tonya

I'm an author!

Hi everyone!
Yesterday we received the Fall RESOLVE newsletter in the mail. This is the same newsletter that contains the article I was asked to write about my Walk of Hope experience. It was so cool to open up that newsletter and see a whole page devoted to what I said. There are even two pictures of me! I feel proud at what I have accomplished in such a short period of time. But sometimes I also feel like all of this isn't real. Like I'm going to wake up and my life will be back to normal. What that looks like, I have no idea. And maybe I don't want normal. Normal sounds boring and my life is anything but boring. I'm happy. I really am. Are things going the way I thought they would? Absolutely not, but I am thankful for what I do have in my life. My wonderful husband (who's birthday was yesterday!!), my awesome parents and brother, and all of my very supportive family and friends. Without all of these people I would not have had the opportunity to write that article, because I would not have won that trip to Atlanta. So thanks everyone! Thanks for supporting us! We truly appreciate it.

Read my article here.

Here are some pictures from Atlanta:

~Tonya