A New Adventure

Hello from beautiful Durango!!

Well, it's been a little over a week since we got here.  Those first few days were crazy.  Half the time I didn't even know what day it was.  Anyone who has moved knows how disorenting it can be, and moving to a different state is really exhausting.  We were so lucky to have a lot of help with this move.  I know it would've been even more difficult without it, so from the bottom of our hearts, thanks to those who helped!  We really appreciate you!!

Our first week here by ourselves is almost over.  Even though we've worked everyday this week, it still sort of feels like we are on vacation.  I look around and see all of our stuff, but it doesn't seem real.  I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a dream.  This house is amazing.  The location is amazing.  I look out the window every day and thank God for bringing us to this place. 

I've thought a lot about kids this week.  I can honestly say that I'm happy that we don't have kids yet.  If we had children, if our lives had worked out like we had planned, we wouldn't be here today.  I already feel so much more relaxed here.  So much stress has melted away.  This is exactly what we needed.  I didn't realize how much I needed to just stop.  Stop rushing off to doctors appointments, stop taking my temperature everyday, and stop peeing on a stick to see if I'm ovulating.  Just stop thinking about babies all the time.  I'm in such a different place than I was last year, hell, even last month.  At this point I just want to enjoy the new adventure that Ryan and I have started, and stop trying to be in control.  It's not my job anyway. 

For your view pleasure.  Here are some pictures from the move, our new home and our new surroundings. You can see why we love it here! 

 Yay! We're moving!

Me packing stuff up. 

Picture in our old house. 

 Goodbye old house.

 Driving into Durango

 The back deck

View from the back deck

The Durango & Silverton train 

Me sitting on the side deck (yes, this house has two awesome decks!) 

 Kash looking out the window

 Michael looking out the window

Rain! It's rained almost everyday.

Deer in the backyard (we have yet to see a bear, but I really want to).

 My new office.

 Living room (ignore the mess).

 Other side of the living room (again, ignore the mess).

Dinning room (you can see the other deck out those windows).

 View from the hike we went on.

My boys taking a break from our walk by the river.

Ryan and I at a lookout up in the mountains. 

More to come! Stay tuned.

~Tonya

One Week

Hey Everyone!

One week, that's all we have left.  I still can't believe that we are moving to Durango in one week.  I'm not sure if it just hasn't hit me yet, but I'm not that nervous or scared.  Every time I think of it, I get so excited!  I'm excited for this adventure.  I'm excited to do something totally out of my comfort zone.  I'm excited for a change.  I really feel like only good things can come from this move.  I know I"ll probably get a little sad in the coming days.  We are leaving all our friends and family here.  I've never left Arizona so this is a huge deal for me, but I'm just so excited!!

We've had a lot of people tell us lately that they are so jealous of us.  I've been hearing it, but it wasn't until this weekend after church that it really hit me.  We have been so blessed!  We are in such a unique position.  We both work for an amazing company that is letting us keep our jobs and work from home full time.  And as much as we want children, because we don't have them, we are able to pick up and go anywhere we want without taking kids into consideration.  I think it's so easy to sometimes get caught up in the things that we want and don't have, that we forget to look at what we do have.  We are so blessed.  When I look back on the last few years I find it so interesting how it's all worked out to lead us to this very spot. 

I so believe it's true that God has a plan for our lives.  He knows what he is doing.  He sees the big picture.  I just can't wait to see what comes next!!

My favorite verse, the one that keeps me going through all of this.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

~Tonya

Why Durango?

Hey Everyone!

It has a been a super busy few weeks and it's only going to get crazier.  For those of you that don't know, we signed a year lease on an amazing house in Durango last weekend and we will be moving August 1st!!  That gives us less than 3 weeks to pack up our entire house!!  Thank God for family and friends who are willing to help! 

I did want to write a little bit about how this decision came about and why we chose Durango.

As you all have witnessed on this blog, this year has been tough for me so far.  I've struggled a lot.  I was starting to feel very stuck and unhappy.  My life was not going the way I had envisioned and I was having a hard time accepting that.  In mid April I really started to feel that something needed to change. 

When I first met Ryan he told me that his dream would be to move back to Colorado some day.  He lived in Durango for a year and he's always said that it was one of the best years of his life.  I've never ever wanted to move.  I liked where I lived and had no desire to leave.  Plus my family and friends are here and I never wanted to move far away from them.  After we got married, we just assumed that we would live here forever and it was fine for both of us.  We bought our house and figured after a couple of years we would have some kids and live happily ever after.  Obviously that didn't happen. 

Infertility has 100% changed our lives. 

One Monday at work this overwhelming desire to move came over me and I spent the whole day looking at houses in Durango.  I got home that evening and told Ryan what I had spent my day doing and he said, "Don't mess with me, you know how much I would love to live there."  I told him that I was serious, that I really think we need a change of scenery.  From that day it moved very very quickly.  We met with the Realtors and had our house on the market less than 2 weeks later. 

Since the decision to move has been made, I have felt so excited and hopeful.  I know this is the right thing for us to do.  I'm ready for a different lifestyle.  I'm ready to be more active, and live in a small town.  I'm ready to just enjoy life and not stress about babies and infertility.  I know this move is not going to "fix" our infertility.  And I absolutely know that I am not running away from anything.  The fact is when it comes to infertility, it will follow us where ever we go, because I am infertile.  Period. 

We've already had people tell us that we will probably get pregnant when we get there and to be ready.  This annoys me.  It is not stress that is keeping us from having a baby.  In the 3 years since we've been trying, we've been on many stress free vacations and nothing has happened.  I have a diagnosed issue.  That being said, I do believe in miracles.  If God wants to grant us our desire to have a baby when we move, we will be thrilled, but that is NOT why we are moving.  I think we are done trying for a little while.  Having a baby is no longer my main priority.  I want to take care of myself.  I want to enjoy our time in our new home, in a new town.  I want to enjoy our life together, just the two of us (and our dogs!).  The truth is I could wait another 10 years and be in the same spot I am now, doing donor egg IVF.  I doubt we will wait that long, but who knows what the future holds.  I sure don't...

Here are some pictures of where we will be living!

Us signing the lease!

Master shower 

Master bathroom 

Master Bedroom 

Spare Bedroom (1 of 2) 

Spare Bathroom 

Living Room

View from the back deck 

The Kitchen 

 The Dinning Room

Stay tuned! (I'll try not to wait so long for the next post, but I can't promise anything! We are moving!!! YAY)

~Tonya

Moving on Up!

Hey Friends!

Remember how a few posts ago I said we had some exciting things in the works, but I couldn't tell you all about them yet?  Well here it is folks, our big news that has nothing to do with a baby.

Five years ago when we bought our house, we had a dream of what our life was going to look like.  We were excited to paint and make our new house our home.  Over the last 5 years we've loved living here.  We've decorated, and put a lot of hard work into making this home exactly what we wanted.  But there is one thing that we've never been able to give it, no matter how hard we've tried.

I always knew exactly which rooms would be our children's rooms.  I would walk by and mentally picture where I would put the crib and the rocking chair, the changing table and dresser.  I'd try to decide what colors we would go with, which always depended on if we had a boy or a girl.  I pictured being pregnant and us painting the room.  Having a great time getting it ready for our baby.  I always imagined our cute spare bathroom with kids toys in the tub and a step up stool in front of the sink.  That's what we dreamed of when we bought this house 5 years ago. That's the life we thought we would have...that's not the life we are living.

We've recently made some very big decisions.  We are selling our house and moving to Durango, Colorado!  This decision has been extremely exciting, but it's also a little bittersweet.  Leaving our home and going to some place unknown is scary, but we are so excited about what the future holds!


More to come on this move...Stay tuned!

~Tonya

For your viewing pleasure.  Here are some pictures of us and our house.

Just got the keys to our house!!

Yay!! Ready to start our life together.

Ryan being a goofball while painting the den.

More painting of the den. (I'm wearing Ryan's clothes)

Painting the family room.

The kitchen

Painting is exhausting!

Ryan surprised me by painting our wedding day on the wall!

Backyard

 Building the grill

 The grill

Backyard 

Grill completed

Our beautiful backyard!

Kash loves the backyard!

Post Cleanse Update

Hi Everyone!

Well it's been a week and a half since the cleanse ended.  It went well.  I stuck with it the entire time and I felt really good afterward.  I started reintroducing food back in and so far I have not had an issue with anything, so that's a relief.

Last week I went in and the nutritionist gave me my fertility diet.  It is pretty much the exact same thing I was eating during the cleanse, I just have portions now.  A large reason for this is because I told her that I would also like to lose some weight.  But, I'm really having a hard time with this diet.  I feel horrible any time I cheat.  I think I've put a ton of pressure on myself with this diet and I think that I may need to dial it back some.  Unfortunately, I have a horrible habit of getting really overwhelmed and then just shutting down.  I don't want that to happen with this eating healthy thing.  I had a bit of a sad realization yesterday at work and ended up crying and leaving early (Can you say PMS and lack of comfort food??).  I realized that because this is a fertility diet I am secretly hoping that it helps us get pregnant on our own, but when I think about it logically, I know it probably won't.  That is not the point of the diet.  The point is to be as healthy as I can so that when we are ready to start treatments they will have a better chance of working.  So I'm struggling right now because we don't have any immediate plans to start treatments.  It all feels kind of pointless.  

But, after talking to a really good friend and my wonderful husband, I think I have a better grasp on it all today.  I need to keep my end goal in mind.  What is it that I really want?  Do I want to be able to eat and drink anything I want, or do I want a healthy body able to carry a baby someday?  I also realized that the only person I am doing this for is myself.  If I want to have a glass of wine with dinner or an extra portion of grains, then I can, but it needs to be in moderation and I need to be a little less crazy about it.  Basically, I need to chill out and relax and maybe cheat with a piece of chocolate!!

Stay tuned
~Tonya

I Miss Wine!

Hello!

Day 11 of my cleanse.  It's getting much easier and I feel pretty good.  No more horrible heart burn and acid reflux, and no more bloated stomach.  I am still struggling with my energy level, but I'm starting to think a lot of that is due to sitting all day staring a computer.  It just gets boring and I get tired.

I met with the nutritionist and my naturopath on Tuesday.  After the cleanse is over I can start adding foods back into my diet.  Yay!!  I've been thinking about what I miss most and I'm still not totally sure.  The nutritionist suggested that I start with any food that I think I might have an intolerance to, so I'm starting with dairy.  I really really hope that I don't have a food intolerance, but I'm almost positive that I do.  Based on how I was feeling and how I'm feeling now, it would make sense that something I eat makes me feel like crap.  We'll see.

I go back next Thursday and at that meeting I will be given my new fertility eating plan.  That is the main point of all of this.  I'm there because I can't have a baby.  Getting healthy and taking care of myself is all part of hopefully making that dream a reality.  It sounds like the plan will be very similar to what I'm eating now.  I know there are some fertility super foods out there, so I'm sure those will be added as well.  I do know that there are two things that she absolutely wants me to stay away from.  Those two things are coffee and alcohol.

I was very upset on Tuesday after I met with her.  There are still feelings of anger every now and then.  Frankly, it pisses me off that I have to be on such a diet.  That I can't drink my coffee every morning.  That I can't have a glass of wine with dinner.  I don't think that a cup of my half caffeinated coffee every morning is going to affect my fertility that much.  I don't think that a glass of wine with dinner a few nights is going to be catastrophic.  It sucks because when I'm in that angry place I think of all the women who get pregnant when they are drinking!  I think of that advice that I hear, "Oh just go on vacation, relax, drink a little too much. It will happen."  Yeah right!  I think of the pregnant women who can even drink a certain amount of coffee.  It makes me mad that I'm not pregnant and I still can't have these things.  Dealing with infertility is so hard and then being told you have to make all these drastic changes makes it harder.  But, I'm not spending all this time and money to not do what they say.  I want to be healthy.  I want my body to function at it's best.  I want to feel good, not crappy.  If cutting these things out helps that, than that's what I'll do.

I feel like I've turned a corner with all of this stuff, like I'm finally on the right track.  I still have no idea what will happen next, but I am determined to do what I can to be healthy.

I could go on and on, but this post is a little long and probably a little boring.

Stay tuned!
~Tonya

I'm Getting Healthy!

Hi Everyone!!

Today is day 4 of a seriously restrictive diet and cleanse.  It hasn't been too bad, but for some reason when someone tells you that you are not allowed to eat everything you usually eat, it really makes you want to eat those foods even more.  Let me backtrack a little to explain how I ended up in this situation.

After the donor backed out and then we decided to put the donor IVF on hold for a while, I started feeling like I wanted to see someone else.  I wouldn't say I necessarily wanted a second opinion, more that I wanted a doctor who would look at my whole body, not just one little part of it.  So, I found a naturopathic doctor who specializes in fertility issues.  She also does acupuncture and practices Chinese medicine.  My first appointment with her was in April and it was the best doctor's appointment I have ever had.  She sat in her office talking to me for almost 2 hours!  She took notes, asked questions, and went over all of my medical history with me.  She made me feel like my case isn't as bad as I think it is.  My reasons for going to her were not to fix my infertility issues, but more to get myself healthy.  I started to realize that I was headed in the opposite direction of where I need to be if I want to be pregnant someday.  I was drinking too much, eating more and more unhealthy, gaining weight and just generally didn't feel good.

She had me do a food diary for a week.  The next couple of weeks that I saw her, we didn't really talk about it.  She did acupuncture, put me on some Chinese herbs, and prescribed massage.  It was wonderful, but I knew that the day would come that we would have to address the eating.  Well that day came last week when I met with the nutritionist in their office.  I pretty much wanted to cry when she was giving me the list of food I was not allowed to eat, because it pretty much included everything that I ate! For 14 days I am on a gluten free, dairy free, egg free, soy free, corn free, coffee free, alcohol free, sugar free, basically everything free diet.  I can eat all the veggies I want, all the fruit I want (minus oranges for some strange reason), chicken, fish or turkey, brown rice products and potatoes.  Thankfully I am on no portion restrictions.  With all the healthy eating, I also have to take this absolutely disgusting protein powder stuff twice a day.  The powder is the actual cleanse and it kind of reminds me of baby formula powder.  It's gross.

BTW, after 3 days of not eating any of the above mentioned foods, I've actually gained a pound! Ugh! I was really hoping that a huge benefit of this would be to lose weight. Maybe I need to give it a little more time...


Only 10 more days to go! I think I can, I think I can!

Stay tuned.

~Tonya