Results

I so wish I could give you all good news, but I can't. I'm not pregnant. It didn't work.

I'm honestly doing OK. We are sad and disappointed, but overall, OK. I knew it didn't work. When the day came to take the test, I knew it would be negative. There was a small part of me that hoped I was wrong, that wanted to doubt what I instinctively knew, but unfortunately I was right. I know my body. And I'm an old pro at not being pregnant.

This is the part of infertility treatments that is so extremely hard. The constant ups and downs. I started the cycle off so positive. So happy, ready, excited and hopeful that it would work. I know the odds and they aren't necessarily in our favor, but I hoped anyway. I wanted it to work. I was ready for it to work. But as the days went by, the positive feelings died. I tried so hard this cycle to keep them alive, but the closer it got to test day, the more those positive feelings just left me. I doubted and I feared and I was right. I wish I wasn't, but I was. It didn't work.

I had a bad day earlier last week. I was so emotional and I cried a lot more than I normally do. It's been a long time since I cried over all of this. We've come a long way in this journey and I don't get as emotional as I used to, but last week I was super emotional and almost panicky. Looking back I think I knew it didn't work and I was mourning this cycle. I told Ryan that day that I just don't want to do this over and over again. I'm not strong enough to keep doing fertility treatments. They are so exhausting. Living my life based on what cycle day I'm on sucks so much. Sometimes I feel so weak because it's just easier to stop treatments, give up and live our lives childless, than it is to keep at it. I'm very good at that. I succeeded in ignoring and avoiding it all the last two years and it was a great two years. Infertility treatments are so so hard and no amount of me telling you this can make you understand how hard they are.

There is no break. Not much time to wrap your head around the negative result before having to jump right back into it. You can't take a break. If you take a break, it's for a whole cycle and then you are losing an opportunity to get pregnant. I'll be back at the Dr's office in about three days to start another cycle and if everything goes according to plan, I'll probably be inseminated on my 33rd birthday. At least this month I'll know what to expect. I'll be prepared for all the side effects from the drugs and the possible low ovarian response. I'll know what the IUI feels like and I'll remember how much the 2ww sucks. And again we'll hope and pray that it will work, because otherwise, what's the point?

I honestly don't know what will happen. I felt so strongly that this was the right path. That we needed to start treatments again. That we needed to have a baby. After a negative cycle, I don't know what I feel. It completely makes me question everything. Sometimes I feel like I might not want a baby bad enough. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love our lives without kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm fully ready to accept that as our path. I will say that as of now we are not ready for IVF or adoption. So, if the IUI's don't work, I don't know. I just have to believe it will work.

I want to thank you all so much for your prayers, positive thoughts, texts and messages to both Ryan and I. We've received so much support over this last cycle and it's meant so much to both of us. I felt those prayers and positive vibes. I felt calm and at peace for much of this last cycle. And even though I currently feel a little unsteady, I know that there are so many people out there rooting for us and that makes me feel very supported. You're all holding us up right now and we are so appreciative for every single one of you.

So, onward we go. Onto the next cycle. And we will try to be happy, ready, excited and hopeful again.

~Tonya

Insemination, A New Year and the 2WW

Hi Everyone!

Well, I've been inseminated and now we are waiting. I sort of explained how the whole process worked, I took drugs to stimulate my ovaries, got lots of ultrasounds to check my follicles, got a couple different hormone shots and then the insemination happened. I'm not going to share the exact date of the insemination because I need to at least keep that to us for now.

When I went in for the first ultrasound on Christmas Day to see how my body responded to the first 5 days of drugs I felt a little discouraged. I only had one good follicle on my right side and that was it. In a really good scenario you want 2 to 4 follicles. But this is my issue. This is why I'm infertile. I don't have the egg quantity that I should. I voiced my concern to the Dr and he said not to worry, it only takes one, so I've been trying to  focus on that since then. It only takes one. All I need is one good egg!

The day of the insemination I was so nervous.  I just wanted it to be done. Since this was our first one, I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't know how it would feel, or how long it would take. I'm so happy that it went smoothly. It was actually really easy, you know, minus the whole having to be inseminated part.

So, now we wait and try not think about any of it. I've actually done really well so far. I really dislike fertility treatments. Doing this cycle reminded me of that fact. The drugs are hard on my body. I had a headache for nearly 7 days, I felt so emotional and sensitive and just not myself. It's a very stressful thing for couples to do and I hated how it felt, so after that insemination was over, I felt so relieved! I felt like myself again. It was wonderful. I think that joy of feeling normal has gotten me through a good portion of the 2 week wait, but that does not mean it's been easy.

When you do fertility treatments and are in the waiting stage, there is a fear of hope. You don't want to get your hopes up too much because if you do, the failure is so much harder to take. I went into this cycle very positive and feeling really good. I still feel pretty good and feel pretty calm, but keeping the hope and faith gets harder and harder as the days goes by. This is what infertility is. A constant roller-coaster of emotions. You have hope that you're pregnant, that it finally happened and then you get your period and you come crashing down. And when this happens month after month, year after year, it gets harder and harder to have any hope at all. I tattooed the word on my wrist. I look at it every day. I had to have that permanent reminder to keep hope alive. It's not easy and it's a constant internal struggle. All day I'm trying to squash negative thoughts that pop into my head and replace them with positive ones. I'm trying to picture myself pregnant instead of planning out next months treatments. It's never ending and it's exhausting.

I will say that your prayers, positive thoughts and words of encouragement have helped us so much this cycle!! So so much.We feel them all. That's why I've felt relatively calm and at peace with everything. It's still hard, but it has helped knowing that everyone out there is hoping and praying for the same outcome that we are. I'm sure some of you have wondered if I will share the news if when it works! I thought about this before I ever shared this cycle and we've decided that we will share the news. Here's hoping for great news and an excellent 2015!!!

~Tonya

P.S. I know some of you out there have wanted to ask us how we are doing or what's going on but have been concerned about bugging us. I appreciate your desire to give us space, but please ask. Please feel free to check in and see how we are doing. We love receiving messages from our friends and family. A large reason I created this blog was to educate people about infertility so if you have a question, ask me or Ryan.You will not hurt our feelings if you don't quite understand how it all works.

What the heck is an IUI?

Hi Everyone!

After writing that last post I realized that many people don't actually know what an IUI is or how it all works. Unfortunately, when you live in an infertile world, all these acronyms become a part of daily life and you just assume that everyone knows what you're talking about. I'm honestly thankful that many of you don't, because that means you aren't living in a world where you need them to have a family. 

IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination, which is when sperm is placed by a Dr. into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. I refuse to say anything about the statistics of getting pregnant via IUI because I'm actively choosing to be as positive as I can during this cycle. If you want to read about the process in more detail, I suggest going here, but I am going to explain what the cycle will look like for us (each Dr has a little different way of doing the cycle, but for the most part the insemination part is the same).

On day 1 of my cycle (which is the first day of your period for those who don't know) I called the Dr's office. 

On day 3 we went into the office for a baseline vaginal ultrasound to check how my ovaries and follicles are looking. This is gross and possibly my least favorite day. Today is day 3 for those wondering and my insides are looking good! They gave me medication to help stimulate my ovaries and follicle growth. This will be an oral medication. He is having me start the medication tonight and I will take it every night for 5 nights, so until day 7 of my cycle. 

On day 9 we will go back into the office for another ultrasound to see how my body is responding to the drugs. For those of you keeping track, this will be Christmas Day! #Christmasmiracle!

On days 10 to 14, I will be having sporadic vaginal ultrasounds, possible FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) shots and depending on how my follicles are looking, they will perform the insemination on one of those days. This is the 'fun' part for Ryan. He gets to nuzzle up to the plastic cup! Sing it with me, "Clear plastic cup, I'll fill you up! Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby!" Haha! This is our theme song! They will take his sample and do a sperm wash. This separates the good mobile sperm, from those lazy guys and they then concentrate the good stuff into a small dose. The Dr. then uses a small catheter to place the sperm directly into my uterus. After that, I will most likely receive a trigger shot to force ovulation and the magic happens!

Days 14 through 28 are the absolutely dreaded two week wait. The worst two weeks ever! I'll go into that more in a later post, but just know, they suck a lot! 

So, there is it folks. I hope to get pregnant with my husband standing by my head, holding my hand and an old man Dr. between my legs with a catheter and my husbands sperm in a tube. Good times!  Really good times!

~Tonya

#Christmasmiracle

#Christmasmiracle

Hi Everyone!!

This is going to be a quick post.  I've debated writing this for awhile, but I finally decided that the prayers and support far outweigh the fear and anxiety I feel right now. 

We are starting an IUI cycle! This Friday! Ahhh!  I'm so excited, nervous, hopeful, and totally scared out of my mind.  I've sort of been a crazy person this week and I'm sure that's not going to go away until we know the results.  I'm not going to go into the specifics of why we've decided to start treatments again.  It all boils down to a simple truth.  We want a baby. 

So, I'm asking you all to pray for us, to send us your positive thoughts and to be hopeful with us.  A very good friend told me this week that being hopeful and believe it will work does not make me foolish, it's an expression of faith!  I have faith it will work.  I have faith that we will finally have the family we've desired for the past 5 years.  Please have faith with us! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! 

~Tonya

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Age and the Biological Clock

Lately I've been feeling slightly obsessed with my age and with the passage of time.  I think about it nearly every day.  I think about how I can't believe I'm in my early 30's, or that I graduated high school 14 years ago.  I can't believe I've worked for my current company for almost 9 years and we've been married almost 7.  We've been in Durango for almost 2 years already and it's gone by in a blink of an eye.  It's this constant feeling that the years are going too fast and it makes me feel panicky.

It hit me the other day that I might be starting to feel that clock tick.  I've heard about the biological clock but I've never really thought about it.  When we started trying I was in my mid 20's.  I didn't feel rushed.  Even after the diagnosis I didn't feel any pressure that my time was running out.  We've taken a break the last couple years and I'm so glad.  We've had an awesome time, but suddenly I feel like my time is getting shorter and shorter.  And I can't tell you how scary that is for someone who has already been trying for 5 years.  I'm 32 years old.  I know in the grand scheme of life that's not old, but in terms of fertility it is.

I recently started a second job for a few hours every afternoon in a 2 year old room at a preschool.  I never thought I'd be able to go back to that kind of work.  I loved kids for so many years and then after the diagnosis I had such a hard time being around them.  I was sad and angry and resentful.  I'm happy to say that I enjoy their company again.  I've had a couple moments where I've felt sad, but for the most part, I feel really good and happy.  But this obsession with my age is starting to weigh on me.  I compare my age to every single parent at this preschool. Some of them are younger, some about my age and some are older than me.  I'm intrigued with the ones who are older.  I wonder if they went through infertility treatments or if they were able to get pregnant naturally.  I wonder if they waited till later in life on purpose or did they have problems or did they wake up one day in their late 30's and think well I guess we better have a baby now if we want one. If we ever have kids, that will be us.  The older parents.

I think I feel panicky because we still don't have a plan to go back to treatments.  We are enjoying our life so much right now.  We have other plans.  We are renewing our lease in this house for one more year and then we plan to buy something in Durango next year. We don't want to think about pricey fertility treatments, but at the same time I realize we have to start thinking about it again.  We're not getting any younger and I'm already at a disadvantage because of my old eggs.  I just keep hoping it will happen naturally and we won't have to spend thousands of dollars on it all again.  We don't have that kind of money to put toward it all right now, not with trying to buy a house.  It's such a huge issue for infertile couples.  A down payment on a house is a round or two of IVF.  It's stressful and how do you choose.

I guess right now kids still aren't our main priority and that's OK with me.  I know, biologically speaking, they will have to become a priority eventually.  Until then, I'll just be over here getting older and trying not to obsess about it too much.

~Tonya

It Doesn't Go Away

Recently I've been thinking about being pregnant.  I've been thinking about how exciting it would be to pee on that stick and see that positive.  How amazing it would be to run and show Ryan.  How my heart would jump in my chest at that very exciting news. How I would be beyond happy and completely terrified all at the same time.  I can picture it all so vividly that I actually get excited thinking about it.  And then I remember.

This year marks 5 years since we've been trying.  5 years!  Many of you have had a baby or more in that amount of time.  You've experienced that thrill of the positive stick, of sharing the news with your spouse, your family and your friends.  The excitement of seeing that first ultrasound, finding out what you're having, decorating a baby room, feeling those first little movements inside your body, having a baby shower, the pains of labor and the absolute joy and love that comes over you when you see your baby for the first time. I really want that experience and it's hard to think that it might not happen that way. I'm not really sure why these thoughts and feelings have been popping up the last month or so, but they have, and I've been on this journey long enough to know that I just have to feel them.  I have to feel the sadness and the loss of hope that accompanies infertility because honestly, it's sort of impossible to deny it.  I've been trying to squash it the last few weeks and it hasn't been working so all you lovely people get to read about it.  Maybe putting it out into the universe will help me a bit and I'm hoping it will help the other people who I know are reading this and feeling the same things.  You're not alone. 

It's been about a year since we did treatments.  Neither one of us are at all ready to go back to them.  I'm not sure when or if we will be ready.  I haven't written anything in a long time because we are seriously so happy where we are right now and I just didn't have much to say on the matter.  I've said it so many times, but I'll say it again, I wouldn't change a thing.  Nothing. All of this is happening the way it is supposed to, but even after 5 years and all the unexpected happiness that has come out of our infertility, there are still some hard, sad times.  That desire for a baby doesn't go away.  Even in my happiest times, I still think about it. I've found that it's possible for me to be immensely happy and sort of sad all at the same time, it's strange, but true. 

If you're reading this and feeling sorry for me, I don't want that.  I'm not writing this to have people feel bad or sorry for me.  I love my life.  I'm happy where we are.  I don't want your pity.  I would however like your prayers and positive thoughts.  I would also really really like you to think about those people in your life that could be dealing with the same things as we are.  It's not easy folks.  Be compassionate to those around you. Be kind and loving and most of all, be thankful for what you have been blessed with.  I know I am! 

~Tonya

We Are So Blessed!

Hi Everyone!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written anything.  April!  That's crazy.  It turns out that lately I just don't have much to say when it comes to our infertility and since this blog is an infertility blog, it has been seriously neglected.  Sure I still have moments when I think about babies or being pregnant, but for the most part, I am really just enjoying the moment.  I'm seriously too happy to be sad!

Today actually marks one year since we drove to Durango and signed the lease for our house.  One year.  I find it so hard to believe that one year ago we were walking around this big, beautiful, empty house feeling so giddy and blessed that it was available for rent.  You've all seen the pictures.  It doesn't get old.  Sometimes I think it's so easy to get caught up in what we don't have or what we want.  I'm so guilty of that!  I spent the last few years struggling with the fact that everyone around me was having babies and we weren't.  We didn't have that family that we so desperately wanted and I felt so left out and angry.  It was all I could focus on.  It was so painful and if I'm being honest, it still is sometimes.  But, if I've learned anything this last almost year (August 1st marks one full year of living in Durango), it's that I have been so blessed with opportunities that other people dream about and I am so thankful.  Yeah I might not have the things that I thought I wanted, but man, living in Durango has been awesome so far!!  And I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade any of it.  I really love our life right now!!!  By the way, we signed another year lease so we will be in Durango for at least another year!! Visitors welcome!!

That's about all I have for right now.  I just wanted to give everyone a little update.  Nothing too new is happening over here.  Just working and enjoying the beautiful outdoors with our boys!  Oh and we recently got back from an awesome vacation in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.  Good times!!

Pictures for your enjoyment!

One year ago today!!! Getting ready to start a new chapter!

 On our way to the Dominican!

 First drink! Yummy!

 Pina Colada

 Vacation rocks!

 Beach.

 Before dinner

 I love the beach!!

 Group shot! It was really windy...

 Beach

 Leaving for San Juan

 More beach

 So beautiful!

 I'm hiking!

 Creek!

 More creek

 Beautiful meadow! 

 We love it!

 The water is so clean and clear!

 Scoping out a good fishing spot.

 Yay! He got one!

 Kashy!

 Michael really wanted that stick. 

 Adrenaline Falls. You can jump that. We might do it next time. Yikes!

Adrenaline Falls. 

As you can see we've been living it up over here!! I'll try not too wait so long between posts next time, but I make no promises!  We have a lot more exploring to do. 

~Tonya