I don't think people always understand the pain I associate with holidays. Infertility is such an invisible pain. It's a pain that you can't see and that doesn't always make sense to the outside world. We didn't necessarily lose anyone, but in a way it feels like we did. I look around on Easter and I see what I thought we'd have. And all the kids and families excited about the day is a very physical reminder of what we lack. I'm crying right now just writing this. I don't want to go anywhere on Sunday. I want to stay inside, lock my doors and forget what is happening outside. I don't want to spend time with family and friends on Sunday. I don't want to watch their cute little kids hunt for eggs! I don't want to, it's just too hard!
And yet I feel bad for even feeling this way. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I feel guilty. It's ridiculous! I feel like I'm going to be judged for not wanting to go out. I feel like people are going to be mad or disappointed if I don't show up. I've tried so hard to put up a good front, to act like being around people's children is OK, that I'm fine, but that's a lie. It's so painful. I feel guilty because I don't want the people around me to know how much it hurts to be around them and their families. Maybe that's my problem. I'm a little too empathetic sometimes. I worry about my feelings but sometimes more about the feelings of everyone around me. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I don't want them to feel guilty for having kids, when we can't. Ugh, it's a vicious cycle of worrying and it's exhausting sometimes.
I've realized lately that I've been sugarcoating some of my posts. I'm going to try to stop doing that. I'm going to try to stop worrying about what other people think about me. I'm going to try and be more honest with myself and with you all about what's really going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a pretty positive person overall, but I have bad times and this is one of them.
If you see me on Sunday, please know that it took all I had to get out of bed. If I seem a little distant or like I'm not interested in your children, just know that I do love them and I'm trying not to cry.
~Tonya
4 comments:
Dear Tonya,
As always, I enjoyed this post. I know this hasn't been easy for you and I can understand (not fully of course) why the holidays are hard for you. I don't think you should feel guilty about how you feel. You're strong and God won't give you anything you can't handle. "When you feel like you're drowning in life, don't worry - your Lifeguard walks on water." <-- This has been helping me the past couple of days, hopefully it will help you too!!
Mad Love,
Becky
Tonya,
This is one of those times I wish I could make everything better for you and Ryan. I understand you not wanting to be around anyone on Easter. You need to take time for yourself to mourn, no matter how long it takes. The people who know you and love you will understand.
I pray that God will eventually give you peace to handle it and that you will be able to move past the heart-wrenching feeling.
May God bless you and keep you in his care.
Love,
Aunt Phyllis
Dearest Tonya: I am crying writing this too!lolol and laughing!lol I think that must be the first line of every comment I've made on your blog posts since I've begun reading them. That's just the roller coaster we're on right now. I feel everything your saying. Easter is a particularly difficult one. I'm Jewish but my Dad's Italian Roman Catholic so we always celebrated all the holidays. I'll tell ya, coloring eggs with all adults is a lot more than just a little bit weird!!!
I'm glad you're being real and yes, there will be people who will judge, who will want you to buck up. We're both fighters so that's our natural inclination but I firmly believe we have to process this grief. We will continue to laugh with our friends, family & spouses who love and understand us bc that's who we are, but it would be just plain odd not to grieve this or feel totally depleted by the battle of the infertility process. Hopefully someday, other women will be able to have more accessible care. You are making such an impact with Resolve.
I guess I feel like even though we aren't "mothers" in the traditional sense, we are earth mothers. We are nurturers and caretakers who are contributing to future generations in the only way we can right now. And that's something. xo
Tonya, you are such a strong, compassionate, and inspirational woman. I know that you are so loved by your family and friends and that you have so much support. Sometimes it's okay not to be strong. I think it's really great that you want to be more honest about your feelings. It is definitely hard to embrace the tough stuff but don't underestimate your strength. Sending you guys lots of love and prayers.
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