Infertility Treatments: Take Two

Hey Everyone!

Cycle two is done.  I'm going to get right to the point and tell you that it didn't work.  Again, not a huge surprise, but I had a little more hope for this one.  I'm not sure if it works this way for other women doing these treatments, but there comes a point when I just know it didn't work.  I don't need my period to show up or to take a test to know that I'm absolutely not pregnant.  It's weird, but I guess it also helps me to deal with it when that test day comes and I get a negative result.  

We had originally planned to do three cycles and then take a break.  We were going to do an IUI for the third cycle, just to maybe give us a little better shot at a positive.  That was the plan until last week.  Last week I just started to feel like I didn't want to do another cycle right now.  I don't want to take drugs, have multiple ultrasounds and have a Dr tell us when we have to DTD.  I don't want to spent another $1550 on a cycle that I really feel won't work.  We've already spent almost $3000 and it's only the middle of February!!  We knew that money would become an issue at some point and that point came a little sooner than we expected.  So after talking about it, we both decided that our heads are not in the right place right now to do another cycle.  We are going to try a different route.  

Before we left AZ I was seeing a naturopathic Dr.  I was going weekly to get acupuncture and massages.  I was also trying to see a chiropractor regularly, but wasn't doing a great job at that.  I loved that Dr.  I loved all the natural stuff I was doing, but I was also so stressed that I wasn't all that great at it.  Part of our goal when moving here was to really try to get healthier and more active and most of all, reduce our stress.  I think we've done great at reducing stress and we are working on getting healthier and more active. We recently found a chiropractor close to our house.  Our decision, for right now, is to see him regularly and continue making healthy positive choices for our overall health.  

I have to acknowledge that we may end up back at the RE's office.  I'm not expecting to get pregnant just by getting adjusted regularly and being healthy.  That would be amazing, but I need to be realistic, hopeful, but realistic   I've done the research and I know how important spine health is, but I also know how important those fertility Drs are.  You know, I just get so damn frustrated when I think of how much it all costs.  I read so many stories every single day of women and men doing cycle after cycle and not getting any results.  Now that I've done a couple of cycles, and know how much they cost and the toll they take on the body, it makes my heart break for these couples.  All we all want is a baby, a family, to be a mom and a dad.  It should not be this hard, but for millions of people, it is their every day struggle.  

It never ceases to amaze me the twists and turns of this journey.  The decisions that we make sometimes even surprise me, but I'm always so sure that it's the right one at that time.  I read a pin on Pinterest the other day that really resonated with me.  It said , "Do not follow your heart. Follow the conviction of the Holy Spirit."  That's always my goal.  

~Tonya

Please consider helping me raise money for RESOLVE, a wonderful organization that has helped me from the very beginning.  They do everything they can to raise awareness for those of us with infertility.  The Arizona Walk of Hope will take place on March 23rd.  Like I have the last two years, I am raising money and hopefully will be there to walk.  No one should walk this journey alone. 

Walk of Hope 2013 - Scottsdale, AZ: Mrs. Tonya Neufeld - RESOLVE: 2013 Walk of Hope

Infertility Treatments: Take One

Hi Everyone!!

Warning: This post is a little TMI and if you think you might be uncomfortable reading it, I would stop now! When you are infertile and doing treatments you just can't be embarrassed about this stuff.

In my last post I told you all that we were going to start treatments.  In this post I'm going to tell you about the treatments that we are doing.

Infertility treatments are weird.  They are stressful and unnatural.  They are so ridiculous and yet can be so amazing.  Our first treatment started at the end of December.  This is the treatment that most people who are struggling to get pregnant start with.  I was told to call the office on day one of my cycle and on day three I went in for a baseline ultrasound.  Now, I want you all to keep in mind that every time I say I went in for an ultrasound, I'm talking about a vaginal ultrasound.  I was given a drug to take on day three.  The drug is called letrozole (femara) and I had to take it for 5 days (days 3 through 7 of my cycle).  One day 9 I went in for another ultrasound so the Dr could check the follicles on my ovaries.  The great news is that I responded great to the drug and the Dr was very happy with the results.  On day 11 I went back for another ultrasound.  The afternoon of day 11 I went back to the office one more time and received a trigger shot in my arm which forces ovulation.  At this point is where the timed intercourse comes in.  We had to DTD (this is how I've referred to it for awhile now, it means do the deed) 24 hours and 36 hours after the shot.  I got the shot at 5 pm so the 24 hours after wasn't too big of a deal.  The 36 hours after was a little more difficult.  Setting an alarm at 5 in the morning and knowing that you have to DTD is extremely stressful and puts a ton of pressure on it.  We were not successful at 5am.  However, we were successful a little later in the morning.  After that we had to wait for 2 weeks before taking a pregnancy test to see if it worked.

It's hard to describe the feelings I had during that first cycle.  I kept thinking that we paid $1220 for this treatment and what if it doesn't work because we couldn't DTD at 5 in the morning, which I didn't want to say because the last thing I wanted to do was make Ryan feel guilty.  I had to take the drugs and get the ultrasounds, but he had to perform.  That's so much pressure and completely takes the romance out of it.  They start the treatment with timed intercourse because they say it makes it feel a little more natural, but I'm not sure it does.  It's not very natural to be forced to do it at a certain time and to feel like you failed if you can't.

Those two weeks of waiting were stressful.  I didn't drink any wine during that whole time which is good, but was extremely difficult at the time.  I was anxious and I just wanted a glass.  I tried to give up coffee but I couldn't or wouldn't, I guess.  I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but I wasn't sure at what intensity I should exercise.  I watched more TV than normal because I just needed to keep my mind occupied.  I didn't want to talk about any of it.  I was terrified that it would work and we would have to move out of our house at the end of our lease in August because our landlords live directly below us and wouldn't want a screaming baby above them.  Then I felt so guilty for missing wine and not wanting to move.  Ha.  It was two weeks filled with tons of emotions.  I prayed and prayed and prayed some more.

By the time the two weeks were just about up, I knew it didn't work and I was right.  The Dr had told us numerous times to not be surprised if it didn't work the first cycle because it typically doesn't.  I took the test and it was negative.  I called the Dr to let him know and they told me to take one again the next day, which just annoyed me because I knew one day wasn't going to change the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  The next day it was still negative.  I was prepared for that result and honestly wasn't that upset.  I know my body and I knew that I wasn't pregnant, but Ryan still had that hope, so it was much harder on him.  

I still look at that first cycle as a success.  My ovaries responded to the drugs, which is huge!!  I never thought they would.  I thought they were shutting down, so knowing that they responded just gave us hope that we had lost.  We've since started a second cycle and again I'm praying like crazy that it works.  I feel much better emotionally this cycle.  I'm not nearly as stressed.  I'm not missing wine and I don't care if we have to move.  I'm just trying to go with the flow and relax.  If it doesn't work (which I'm trying not to think), I'm not sure how many more cycles we will be able to do and at what point they will switch and do an IUI (intrauterine insemination), where they stick the sperm directly in my uterus.  We're still paying for all of this out of pocket so it will start to add up.  But, for now I choose to be optimistic and hope that we don't have to do too many before it works.

Please keep us in your prayers and send us positive baby vibes!! I'll keep you all posted.

~Tonya

It's a New Year!!

Happy 2013 Everyone!!  I don't know about all of you, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's 2013.  Very weird.

I'm sure you're all wondering how our doctor's appointment went.  Last time I wrote was to tell you that we were going.  I haven't written since for a few reasons. First, our appointment was on the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting and nothing else seemed important that horrible day or the days after.  Second, we were so busy with the holidays that I just didn't have the time.  And third, I honestly just needed some time to process how the appointment went.

So how did it go??  It could not have been more opposite than the last time we saw a doctor for all of this.  We walked out of that office with a renewed sense of hope.  I'm not going to go into serious detail, but basically the doctor doesn't think my ovaries are failing.  He actually did an ultrasound right then and there and was able to see my ovaries and some follicles!!  He did agree that there is obviously something going on since we've been trying for over three years to get pregnant and nothing has happened, but he gave us the hope that we had completely lost.  We talked about some different treatment options, and I'm not going to go into those right now, but we are excited and nervous and basically every emotion you can think of.

But, while I am so thrilled at this news, I also feel so dumb.  It's a completely illogical feeling and I've been trying to analyze it since the appointment.  I feel kind of like a fraud, like I've been going around for two years saying I have this awful disease of premature ovarian failure, when I apparently don't.  I feel like I should have gotten a second opinion right away. I feel, and this is where it gets really stupid, that all the work I've done to raise awareness and money for infertility, somehow means less because my diagnosis wasn't real.  These are ridiculous things to think and the truth is, I'm still infertile, so it shouldn't make one bit of difference that my diagnosis changed.  But, somehow in my mind, right now, it does and I can't stop these feelings.  I'm hoping by putting it all out there, that they will be erased from my mind!

And while I'm feeling all of that, I also know that I am not a doctor.  I did not make up what was said in the initial appointment.  I was too shocked and devastated to get a second opinion.  And frankly, we weren't supposed to get a second opinion before this one.  We were supposed to be in Durango, with these doctors.  I believe God has a plan for our lives, I always have, and when I look back on the past three years I can see how the plan has lead us here.  I have no idea what happens next.  Will we get pregnant with the first treatment that we do?  Will we still end up having to do IVF?  Will we be that couple who experiences failed treatment after failed treatment?  I really try not to think of the future too much, but it's so hard.

It's a new year.  2013!  Maybe this will be our year, or maybe it won't.  We'll all just have to wait and see.

~Tonya

Starting Over

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Mine was really great.  We spent a week in AZ with my family and it was so much fun to hang out with everyone!  I was having such a great time that I didn't even have time to be sad about the fact that it's been two years now since our diagnosis.  Crazy how much has changed in those two years.

I've recently been contemplating getting a second opinion.  I realize some people might think it's crazy that I would wait two years to do this, but it's taken me that long to come to terms with my situation.  The thought of going to a different doctor to do more tests and possibly get the same news is absolutely terrifying.  I literally can't put into words how much stress I feel about starting any kind of infertility treatment.  It's so scary. But it's been weighing on me recently and I finally feel like the time is right to go see a different doctor.

When we moved to Durango I knew we wanted to take time off from all of this.  We just wanted to enjoy our new lives here and basically forget about the fact that we can't have babies.  That worked for a little while, but I want children and I can't ignore that desire for long.  At my first support group meeting here I met a woman who works for the two RE's in town.  At my second meeting I met two women who go to those doctors.  They all spoke so highly of them and it really made me want to go see them.  This morning I called and made an appointment.  I have my first consultation with Durango Reproductive on Friday December 14th!

I feel good about it.  I'm kind of excited, in a weird way.  I sort of feel like we're starting over, but with a lot more information.  I will keep you all posted on how it goes.

Stay tuned!
~Tonya

If I'm Not a Mom, What Am I?

Hi Everyone!

I've had a lot on my mind recently and I've been reading some things that have really got me thinking even more.  A lot of people I know have been having babies lately and I keep seeing comments that say something to the affect of, "your life has really started now that you've had a child".  While I know the people who say these things are parents themselves and are just so excited for their friend or loved one to join the parenting club, I can't help but wonder what they think of people who never have kids, be it by choice or circumstance.  If your life doesn't truly start until you have a baby, then what the hell have I been doing for the past 30 years?  It's an interesting thought.

Now I am absolutely not trying to bash anyone here, it just really makes me think about the world we live in and the norms of our society.  I know that having a child is one of the biggest life changers there is and you can't really understand it until you've experienced it.  I also know that it is extremely hard work being a parent and people like to know that someone they are close to is experiencing the same joys and struggles as they are.  I just wonder if those parents out there look at someone like me, who has not been able to reproduce, as somehow less.  Like I am not really living, my life is lacking in some way and I will not be whole until I have a baby.

I have a good friend who doesn't  want to have children.  I remember when I first found this out about her, I thought it was so strange.  I realize now that I didn't even think about the option to not be a mom.  I assumed every woman out there wanted that title.  I think many people assume that about women.  You grow up, you get married, maybe you start a career, but then you have a baby and become a mom.  Some women keep the career after becoming a mom, but others decide that Mom is what they are now.  I feel like there can be a negative reaction to women who are not moms.  I've seen comments that say things like, "Their career is just too important for them to have a baby", or "they are just really selfish, they are one of those women". What does that mean, 'those women'?  You would really be amazed at the nasty things other women say, but that's a blog for another day.

The point is that before I experienced this time in my life where I am a 'non-mom' I thought all women wanted to be moms.  I didn't know there was more to being an adult woman than being a mom.  I can admit that I've had a hard time defining myself since all this infertility stuff started because my goal was always to be a mom.  That was my life's ambition and I never had a backup plan.  So if I never become a mom, what am I?  I'm starting to realize that I'm so much more.  I'm a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, an infertility blogger, a doggie mom and so on.  I also know that when or if we have kids, I will have that much more to teach them.  But until then, I am really living my life, maybe not the 'normal' way, but you can believe I'm living it!

~Tonya

5 Years...

Hi Everyone!!

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary.  I can't believe it's been 5 years already.  I've been feeling a little sad and I guess, pensive, this week.  I just can't help but think of where we thought we'd be at 5 years.  I thought we'd have one child and probably be working on a second.  I thought we'd be living in AZ.  I thought we'd be those happy, but tired parents.  I most certainly didn't see us living in Durango with two dogs and no kids.

I've been going through our wedding pictures and I feel like I hardly recognize that girl who got married 5 years ago.  She looks so young and fresh and happy.  She was so full of excitement over what she had planned for her new life with her husband.  It makes me both happy and sad to look at those pictures.

I think another reason our anniversary makes me a little sad is because it was around our second anniversary that we decided to start trying to have a baby.  It's been 3 years now.  I can't believe we've been trying for 3 years.  And I wonder how much longer we will be married before we have a child/children.  Will we celebrate 7, or 8, or 10 years without children?  It's strange because I can picture that now.  The longer it's just the two of us, the harder it is to imagine children in our lives.  This scares me a bit.

Obviously my life is not where I thought it would be on that day 5 years ago and I have no way of knowing what will happen in the next 5 years.  I do know that I am married to the most wonderful man.  This whole infertility business sucks, but I am so thankful that I have Ryan by my side.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 years holds!!

Happy 5 years to Us!! \Here are some pictures for your enjoyment! I'm warning you, I had a hard time choosing so there are a lot of them!

Wow, that was a lot of pictures!

~Tonya

I'm still here!

Hello everyone!!!

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted.  Today marks 6 weeks since we've been in Durango.  I can't really say I've been too busy to write because, in all honestly, I've been blessedly un-busy!  It has been fabulous!  Life here is so much different, it's slower, way more relaxing and I LOVE it!!  I thought that I would experience some homesickness at some point, but so far, nothing.  I don't miss Arizona.  I obviously miss my family and friends, but we've had so many visitors already that I haven't had a chance to miss people.  And I think that I'm just so at peace here, that I haven't given it much thought.  I needed this.  We needed this.  I said it before, but I had no idea how much we needed to just slow down.  It's truly amazing to me the effect this move has had on our lives.  Did I say how happy I am??

In the 6 weeks since we've been here, I haven't given infertility too much thought.  I did, however, go to the Durango infertility support group last night.  This decision came after a dinner we had last week.  We went to dinner for Ryan's birthday and there was a table of two women sitting right behind us.  I could hear their conversation and it was infertility related.  I wanted to turn around and say, "I totally understand!!  I get what you are saying, and you aren't alone. Want to be my friend?" Ha, but I didn't.  That would have been really strange and I doubt I would have made a friend that way, so I decided to go to the support group instead.  I realized that I miss talking about it.  I miss that shared experience with women who truly get it.  I miss the relationships and friendships that are made at a support group.

I'm feeling great right now.  I'm not feeling sad or depressed or upset because we can't have a baby, but the desire to talk about it is still there.  Since my diagnosis, one of my goals has always been to help people.  Even if to just say, you are not alone, and I will continue to do that here!

And now for your viewing pleasure, more Durango pictures!!

 Backyard View

 Bear in the river!!!!

Same bear after he swam across the river. 

Different bear saying Hi.  

Just walking across the street. 

Me and my baby Kashy 

Blue Moon 

 Ryan's feet while sitting on the deck looking at the Blue moon.

Not the most flattering picture but whatever. Looking at the blue moon.  

 Blue moon. 

 More moon. 

Bakers Bridge (this picture was taken with my phone and I did nothing to change the colors). Amazing place!!

My mom and I eating our burritos at Bakers Bridge. 

Hike. The leaves are starting to change!!! I'm so excited to see this for the first time ever! 

Relaxing by Spud Lake after our hike. 

 Us by the lake. 

Michael loves to hike! 

More beautiful leaves! 

Fall is in the air! 

So pretty! 

Kash and me again! He's just so cuddly.  

More bears!!! I love them (from the deck)! 

Deer in the backyard.  

Hi 

 Kash in the window. He jumped up there all by himself. Such a funny dog!

I'll will try my hardest not to go another month without writing, but I make no guarantees.  I'm just so relaxed here.  Best. Decision. Ever!!!! 

~Tonya