Can I get a little Motivation Please?

Hi All!

Again I apologize for the delay in posts. Maybe this blog will help explain why it's been so long.

I've realized that dealing with infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions. People use that term often, but until you've actually been on the "ride", I find it's hard to understand. I've been seriously struggling with motivation lately. I find that I have no desire to do anything, which is very frustrating when I have so much I need to be doing. If you could see the inside of our house, you would see what I mean by lack of motivation. I love you all, but I will not be inviting you over any time soon! Our house is an absolute disaster. It's ridiculous. I keep thinking to myself that I might feel better if I just cleaned some stuff up. Maybe unpack my bag that's been sitting in the living room since we got home from Sedona on Sunday or do some laundry. We bought a mail sorter thingy so we wouldn't have mail cluttering our counter, and where do you think the mail is? Yep, you guessed it, on the counter! It's like we try to do something and then we lose motivation and just let it all slide.

This motivation problem is not limited to cleaning. I've also been struggling with motivation at work, school, and with this blog. I have all of this stuff that I need to be doing, and I just don't want to do any of it. It's like it gets so overwhelming that I just completely shut down and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I just started my last two classes. In 7 weeks I will be done with school, but before I can be done, I have 13 papers, 2 presentations and 4 quizzes to do. You can see why I might be a little overwhelmed with school! The thing is I know I can do it, I will do it. It's just really hard to do things when the motivation to do them is not there. I find the end result ends up being a little lacking.

The last big thing, and maybe the reason for this current slide into no motivation land, is our donor IVF process. I finally called the donor agency to see if the donor that we had selected is still available. She is and if we want to use her, we will need to put $2000 down to hold her until we are ready to start in February. I also got a list of clinics in Texas that this agency has worked with. I need to call them all. I need to do research to find out how much it will all cost and the success rates of each. I need to compare them all. I'm thinking maybe I need to do a spreadsheet of some sort to keep it all straight. This part stresses me out so much. I don't know what to ask, where to start. I hate making phone calls and not knowing the right questions to ask. Now to be fair, all the people I have talked to so far at clinics have been so wonderful. They are used to talking to emotional people who don't know what to ask, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable for me.  I know I need to do it, that this is what we want, but there is that motivation problem again. I don't want to do it. I'm procrastinating.

It hit me that I am probably slightly depressed. It's not uncommon for infertile people to jump back and forth between the stages of grief. This is all part of our infertility journey. But does that make it ok? Well I'm not totally sure and let me explain that. I'm very big on feeling what you are feeling while you are feeling it. Wow that's a lot of feelings! What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very important to not suppress your emotions. I truly think I have been able to deal with all of this because I'm a very transparent person. People know how I feel. But how long should I allow myself to feel a certain way before I try to move past it. I'm not saying that I should just get over things. There is no getting over infertility, but I also don't want to live my life the way I currently am. I don't like not having motivation. I don't like feeling like this. And since I now have a self-awareness of what is actually going on, I feel like it is my responsibility to do something about it.  It's my life and if I don't like it, I'm the only one who can take steps to make it better. I don't like the idea of using our infertility as an excuse to linger in this current state. Is it ok that I'm feeling this way? Absolutely! But now it's time for the next stage.

So what's a non-motivated, slightly depressed girl with a to-do list as long as her arm to do? I have some ideas. But since I think this post is getting a little long, I'll have to tell you in a later post how it all works out. I have no doubt I'll be back to my old slightly more motivated self very soon! God willing...

Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Isn't it ironic?

Hi again! Two days in a row! Cool!

I had to write about this because I just thought it was so ridiculous, funny and ironic. But before I go into my story, I want to preface it. Please remember, while reading this, that I am infertile. I am writing this from my current perspective. I don't think the world should revolve around me and absolutely don't expect people to change what they do. My goal, with this blog, is to help people understand what it is like to live everyday with infertility. If that maybe makes someone a little more aware of what they say or do and how it affects people, then that is awesome. Infertility sucks, but I've gotten very good at seeing the humor in it all.

When you are infertile, not a day goes by that something doesn't remind you of the fact that you can't have a baby. There are the obvious reminders. Pregnant women and babies EVERYWHERE. Pictures of super cute babies all over the place. This recent Facebook "game" to raise awareness for breast cancer. I'm not sure how posting a fake pregnancy announcement helps bring awareness to breast cancer, but I can tell you, it did not make me think, "Wow, look at all these people doing good for beast cancer by pretending to be pregnant. Go team breasts!" Even fake pregnancy announcements can sting for someone who can't have a baby. Then there are things that are not as obvious, but to me, are still reminders. Things such as my teacher asking, "Who has kids in here? Raise your hand." I feel like there is a blinking neon sign above my head that says, "Infertile! Can't have kids." Or having to read some research about a new science called epigenetics. The title of the article is Why Your DNA isn't Your Destiny. I have to use donor eggs, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about genetics and DNA. It is incredibly interesting stuff and I really want to learn more about it, but how could I not think about my situation while reading that? I'm not saying that this was a bad reminder, it was just a reminder.

All of that brings me to the reason for this post and specifically the title. Two weeks ago my teacher started talking about this activity we were going to do. She told us that she was going to give us all a "baby" and we had to take good care of it (see, another reminder! This was the first day of class people!). We were supposed to bring something, about the size of our hand, to class to take home our "baby". So last Wednesday I go to class with an old cell phone box with some tissue paper in it. My teacher comes to class with a carton of eggs and some markers. We were told to grab an egg and create our "baby" with the markers. Then we were told that we were supposed to take that "baby" with us everywhere and when we got upset about something we were supposed to mark on our "baby" with a permanent marker. Now I totally understand the reason for this assignment, and it did help me to be more conscious of why I got angry. When you have to create marks for every time you get upset, it makes you think about why you are getting upset in the first place. Plus it was a very visible reminder. I did not carry my "baby" with me everywhere I went, but I did keep track of the times I got mad. I just couldn't really get into this assignment, which I think is totally understandable. As I was walking to class last night with my egg "baby" it dawned on me. This teacher gave an egg "baby" to a person that can't have babies because she doesn't have any eggs. So I repeat, isn't it ironic? Ha ha

Here is a picture of my egg "baby" in his cell phone box home. I named him Logan.

 P.S. I'm really sorry if you now have that song in your head.

 ~Tonya

I'm an author!

Hi everyone!
Yesterday we received the Fall RESOLVE newsletter in the mail. This is the same newsletter that contains the article I was asked to write about my Walk of Hope experience. It was so cool to open up that newsletter and see a whole page devoted to what I said. There are even two pictures of me! I feel proud at what I have accomplished in such a short period of time. But sometimes I also feel like all of this isn't real. Like I'm going to wake up and my life will be back to normal. What that looks like, I have no idea. And maybe I don't want normal. Normal sounds boring and my life is anything but boring. I'm happy. I really am. Are things going the way I thought they would? Absolutely not, but I am thankful for what I do have in my life. My wonderful husband (who's birthday was yesterday!!), my awesome parents and brother, and all of my very supportive family and friends. Without all of these people I would not have had the opportunity to write that article, because I would not have won that trip to Atlanta. So thanks everyone! Thanks for supporting us! We truly appreciate it.

Read my article here.

Here are some pictures from Atlanta:

~Tonya

A little self-assessment

Hi all!

Another 2 weeks has gone by since my last post. It's true what they say about time going faster the older you get. I can hardly keep up. It just flies by. I close my eyes and open them and another month is gone. It's kinda scary.

For the class I am currently in, our last assignment is a self-assessment. Kind of a "where have you been, where are you going, how have you changed since coming to our school" type thing. This has been an emotional assignment for me. I've been going to school for almost a year. I feel like the person who started school last August, and the person who is sitting here writing this, are two different people. I say that my diagnosis has changed my life, and that's absolutely true, but school has also changed my life. I have more confidence since going back to school. I feel like I'm better at public speaking and writing.  Like I'm more interesting and maybe a bit more intelligent now. I said that I didn't want to go to school and deal with infertility, but I'm so glad I've had the distraction. School has helped me cope with this. Being able to write papers, and look at it all from a different perspective, has helped. There are days when, for a few minutes, I forget that this is happening to me, that it's my life. But then I'm given this assignment and it all comes flooding back.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is so important to evaluate your life and goals, but it's also not always easy. Are you where you thought you would be at this point? Have you accomplished your goals? Do you even have goals anymore, or are you just trying to make it through each day? When Ryan and I first started dating, we wrote some goals on a couple pieces of paper. Well it was actually our "shit to do" list. Yep, that's right, that's what we named it. There may have been some adult beverages involved during the writing of that list, but we still have those pieces of paper. Some of the things we have accomplished. Like "go to Vegas", "get married", and "go white water rafting in Colorado", others, like, "go to Paris", "swim with great white sharks", and "have 3 kids" are taking longer to accomplish. We rewrote them out again after we got married, and we did dream boards, with pictures of all our goals. But, just like most people, we have not looked at those goals in a long time. Not since this class, have I really thought about it.

But back to that self-assessment. It's important. It's important for everyone to self-assess every now and then. Life is short, time flies. We all know this. Just look at old pictures. It feels like yesterday that I was running around outside with my friends, buying dresses for the dance, graduating, and getting married. Now I'm thinking about infertility non stop, working, and doing homework, and planning my 30th birthday.  If I've learned anything during all of this, it's that life does not go as you plan it. Ha. It's actually funny that I thought it would just all fall into place. Life's not that easy and I should have known that God has different plans. It's hard right now though, because I feel like we're in a bit of a limbo. We made the decision to wait to do any treatments until school is over and now, well, that's what we are doing, waiting. I don't want to live my life wishing time away. It already goes too fast. Plus I believe I have more to offer the world.

So, where have I been, where am I going? Well I know where I've been, but where I'm going is partly out of my control. All I can do is write out those goals again, and start living my life to accomplish some of them. After all, if God has decided to put this in our lives, He must have bigger goals for us!

~Tonya

Found a donor, now what?

Hi everyone!

So, you are probably all wondering what happens now that we have chosen our egg donor. Well the answer to that is nothing, at least for the next 6 months. Let me explain.

I am stressed, like super super stressed! Working full time, going to school, and dealing with infertility is alot for one person to take. I feel very overwhelmed many days. After we found the donor that we'd like to use, we were so ready to start it all right away. We are excited! We are ready to start our family! But the more I thought about it, the more nervous I was. You see, I am absolutely terrified that if we were to start it all now, while I'm still in school, it would fail. I feel alot of pressure because it is my body that the embryos will be transferred into. We all know that stress can have a profound affect on the body, and I truly feel that right now, I am just too stressed to start it all. I know that I will never be stress free, and that there will always be something else, so this reason was not the only reason we decided to wait.

The second reason we have decided to wait is my 30th birthday. I will be 30 on January 24, 2012. Before we knew about our diagnosis, I decided that I wanted to really celebrate this milestone birthday. So, we are going on a cruise the end of January. And it just so happens that I will also have my Bachelor's degree in December, so it will be a double celebration! We work for a travel agency so we were able to get an great deal on a Celebrity Eastern Caribbean cruise, in a room with awesome spa amenities. We booked this cruise a long time ago and it is fully paid for.  In all honestly, we did briefly consider cancelling, because of the huge cost of the infertility treatments. But, if I have learned anything while going through this, it's that life goes on. I refuse to stop living my life because I can't have a baby like everyone else. I feel like that would make me a victim, and I am not a victim. Let's face it, things happen in life that suck, and you can either lie down and take it, or stand and fight. I choose to fight. We are going on this cruise because we need a vacation. This year has been the hardest year of our lives, and it's not going to get any easier when we start treatments. We feel that going on a nice relaxing vacation will help prepare us for what's ahead.

The third reason we decided to wait awhile to start is that we need some time to save money. The cost of this procedure is seriously ridiculous. The fee for the donor and the donor agency are around $10,000. The IVF fees, if we do a money back guarantee program, are close to $35,000.  Yes, I wrote that right! We are looking at about $45,000 out of pocket to MAYBE have a baby. Obviously we do not have this kind of money. The fact that insurance does not cover any of it, is a huge injustice, but that's a post for another day.

So, now you have our reason's for waiting a little while. I still have tons to write about, so the posts will keep coming!

Can I Have Some of Your Eggs?

Hi everyone! In today's post we are talking about egg donors and all the decisions that go into choosing one. Enjoy!!

Ok, I want you all to imagine for a minute that you can't have a child that is genetically yours. What physical characteristics of yours did you always want for your child? What qualities of yours did you want to be passed down? Now I want you to imagine that there is nothing wrong with you, but your spouse can't have a genetic child. Thinking about your husband or wife, what characteristics and qualities that they possess are important to you? What part of them did you hope to see in your future child/children. If you can choose the person who contributes their genes to your future child, and you can't choose your spouse, who do you choose? How do you choose? What's important when making this decision? Do you choose someone you know or a stranger? These are the types of questions that have been running through our minds. It's alot to think about!

Our first decision was the choice of using an anonymous donor or a known donor. This was a hard decision to make. There are pros and cons to each. The biggest pro of going with someone that we know is that we know that person's history. If it's someone that I am related to then we share genes, which is a very compelling reason to make that choice. The child may actually look like me if we choose a family member and I really liked the thought of that. The biggest con about choosing someone we know is that we know them and so does our family. We needed to think about how often we see that woman? How will she feel about the child? How will we feel about her when she is around the child? When the rest of the family looks at that child will they be thinking he or she looks like the donor. Ultimately we decided to go with an anonymous donor. The more we thought about it, we just were not comfortable using the eggs of someone we know. It's already a very emotional situation and we decided going with an anonymous donor made it a little easier for us. We did have a couple very sweet women offer to donate eggs. And I just want to say to those women that we truly, from the bottom of our hearts, appreciate the offer. It takes such a giving person to offer part of yourself to someone else. I thank God for these people in our lives.

So now onto looking for an anonymous donor. Through research I found an agency in Texas, called The Donor Solution, that I had a really great feeling about. When I emailed the lady that runs it she emailed me back within 15 minutes and sent me the database of donors. Searching through a database of girls, looking for someone to replace my genetic contribution, is a very strange experience.

I like to compare choosing an egg donor to what I imagine online dating would be like. I would like a girl that has dark brown hair, green, maybe hazel eyes, 5'4", loves shopping, reading romance books, long walks on the beach... You get the picture. I would see physical characteristics of someone and say, "Ok, she sounds like what I'm looking for." Then would click on the picture, not like what I saw and say, "Nope, not going with that one. On to the next." This whole process made me feel very strange. I found myself getting very judgemental about the girls I was looking at. I knew in my head that it wasn't right to judge someone based on one picture and some things they wrote on a questionnaire, but this person is important! This decision is important! So I judged. I would see a girl whose physical appearance I was ok with, but then something in her questionnaire would make me rule her out immediately. This went on for a little while until I clicked on a girl that fit all my requirements. I emailed Ryan and told him to check her out. Haha! Pun intended. He said that she reminded him of me. We both believe strongly in first impressions and following our gut. There was just something about her that felt right. I knew she was the one because we were both so excited! We wanted to start it all right away. Of course there are other things that we need to consider before we can start and I will discuss those in a different post.

You know, I can joke and laugh about it now, but it took some time getting to that point. Let's face it, choosing someone else to contribute their genes to your child sucks! We really had to mourn that genetic connection. It was hard and involved alot of crying, but I believe we have come to the point that we are excited about what our future holds.


Wondering what happens next? Stay tuned for my next post!

~Tonya

Thoughts before Choosing a Donor

So I know I said that my next post would be about choosing a donor, but I feel like before I delve into that, I need to go into a little more detail about my diagnosis. I realize that there are many people who still don't fully understand why we are not trying other options to get pregnant using my eggs. I just want to address that before I talk about choosing a donor.

Premature ovarian failure, which is pretty much what I have and affects only 1% of the female population, can be hard to grasp.  I am young and healthy and I think when I say I will be going through menopause in a few years, people tend to think I'm exaggerating. I wish that were the case. But the truth is that my ovaries are failing. They will stop working completely. I will stop having a period, which if I'm looking at the positive, will be pretty nice. No more worrying about periods on vacation! There is no drug that will help with this situation. Something I did not know before all of this is that a women is born with all the eggs she will ever have. Once they are gone, there is no getting them back. And you can't have a baby without eggs. When I saw that ultrasound I didn't understand, but when I got home and did some research it was very clear how severe my situation is. I am not going to have a baby that is genetically mine. Period. End of story. It was a huge blow.

I know that may seem like I am being negative or pessimistic and believe me I've been accused of it, but I don't think of it like that. I honestly feel like we are lucky in a way. Now let me explain that. Infertility is hard. It can be an incredibly long process. Some couples literally spend years trying to get pregnant before they are told that nothing is working and they should consider donor eggs. Imagine going to the Dr. and being given some drug and told to take it, chart your temperature, have sex at a certain time, and come back in 3 months if it doesn't work. Then in 3 months when still nothing is happening going back and having the Dr. up the dosage and having to do it all again. How frustrating and heartbreaking! These couples spend years, and thousands of dollars and all they get is failure. And more than the time and money is the emotional toll infertility can have on a person. These situations truly test a relationship and there are couples who do not make it through. I really could go on and on, but I won't. The point is we are lucky in that we don't have to go through all of that. We were told right up front that our option, if I wanted to experience child birth, was donor egg IVF. And while that was shocking and came out of nowhere, at least we know. We don't have to spend years of failed fertility treatments to get to that point.

I will tell you that our Dr. gave us the option of doing IVF using my own eggs. So now you are saying, "Well why aren't you doing it?" There are a couple reasons why. First being that it won't work. The success rates are absolutely horrible for someone with  my diagnosis. And I know, absolutely know, in my heart that our first child/children will not be genetically mine. I can't explain it, I just know, we both do. Second is that it is extremely expensive. The Dr. told us that we could do it more for peace of mind, to say that we at least tried it, so we would be able to move on. We don't have the money to spend on "peace of mind." Third, without going into too much detail, is that women with premature ovarian failure often test positive for the Fragile X gene mutation. This means that if it did work with my own eggs there is a possibility that we could have a child with Fragile X syndrome, which is a form of mental retardation. After we talked about everything we came to the conclusion that we were going to skip all of that and go straight for what has the highest success rate, which is donor egg.

I want to end with the fact that I know miracles happen. I pray for one all the time. But I also know that sometimes things don't work the way we planned and it ends up being better. We are both extremely excited about what we have ahead of us. We have already started the donor picking process and I promise the next post will really be about choosing a donor.

Stay tuned!

~Tonya