We Are So Blessed!

Hi Everyone!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written anything.  April!  That's crazy.  It turns out that lately I just don't have much to say when it comes to our infertility and since this blog is an infertility blog, it has been seriously neglected.  Sure I still have moments when I think about babies or being pregnant, but for the most part, I am really just enjoying the moment.  I'm seriously too happy to be sad!

Today actually marks one year since we drove to Durango and signed the lease for our house.  One year.  I find it so hard to believe that one year ago we were walking around this big, beautiful, empty house feeling so giddy and blessed that it was available for rent.  You've all seen the pictures.  It doesn't get old.  Sometimes I think it's so easy to get caught up in what we don't have or what we want.  I'm so guilty of that!  I spent the last few years struggling with the fact that everyone around me was having babies and we weren't.  We didn't have that family that we so desperately wanted and I felt so left out and angry.  It was all I could focus on.  It was so painful and if I'm being honest, it still is sometimes.  But, if I've learned anything this last almost year (August 1st marks one full year of living in Durango), it's that I have been so blessed with opportunities that other people dream about and I am so thankful.  Yeah I might not have the things that I thought I wanted, but man, living in Durango has been awesome so far!!  And I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade any of it.  I really love our life right now!!!  By the way, we signed another year lease so we will be in Durango for at least another year!! Visitors welcome!!

That's about all I have for right now.  I just wanted to give everyone a little update.  Nothing too new is happening over here.  Just working and enjoying the beautiful outdoors with our boys!  Oh and we recently got back from an awesome vacation in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.  Good times!!

Pictures for your enjoyment!

One year ago today!!! Getting ready to start a new chapter!

 On our way to the Dominican!

 First drink! Yummy!

 Pina Colada

 Vacation rocks!

 Beach.

 Before dinner

 I love the beach!!

 Group shot! It was really windy...

 Beach

 Leaving for San Juan

 More beach

 So beautiful!

 I'm hiking!

 Creek!

 More creek

 Beautiful meadow! 

 We love it!

 The water is so clean and clear!

 Scoping out a good fishing spot.

 Yay! He got one!

 Kashy!

 Michael really wanted that stick. 

 Adrenaline Falls. You can jump that. We might do it next time. Yikes!

Adrenaline Falls. 

As you can see we've been living it up over here!! I'll try not too wait so long between posts next time, but I make no promises!  We have a lot more exploring to do. 

~Tonya

Life is good!

Hi Everyone!

Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been since I last wrote.  With National Infertility Awareness Week coming up next week, I've been doing some thinking.  Lately, I feel like I haven't been the infertile woman struggling to have a baby.  My thoughts haven't been consumed with creating a family.  It's been so refreshing.  I'm not exactly sure what happened, but we are in such a good place right now.  You'd think that after two failed treatments it would be the exact opposite, but we are so happy.  So much so that I stopped going to my infertility support group.  The last couple of times I went, I left there feeling so sad and depressed. I realized that right now in our journey, the support group is not supporting me the way it's meant to.  I'm honestly not even thinking about our infertility right now.

I feel like the longer that we are childless, the more appealing the lifestyle becomes.  At this point, pregnancy announcements, pregnant women and babies just don't bother me that much.  That is such a huge difference from where I was one year ago!  There is something so freeing about being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want.  And I can't even begin to describe how much fun it is to live in a small, awesome town where we can ride our bikes downtown and enjoy a beer and appetizers at a local brewery before riding back home again, or go hang out by the river behind the house, or go for a hike on any number of the mountains around here. There is a healing power to the mountains and river.  I realize I sort of sound like a hippie and I think I might be turning into one a little bit, but if you guys could come live where we are, you'd get it.  The best way for me to describe it is to say that we've basically been on vacation since we moved here more than 8 months ago.  It's fabulous!

I'll probably write a blog post next week to participate in the bloggers unite program for NIAW.  Even though I feel like our infertility is not front and center in our lives right now and I've definitely backed off of the blog, I'm still passionate about educating people, raising money and getting the word out that if you are one of the 1 in 8 couples, you are not alone.  So many people deal with infertility.  I feel like I learn about someone new in my life almost every other day.  It's important for me to let these people know that they are not alone and the feelings they are feeling are normal. I've said it a millions times, but I'm saying it again, infertility sucks!

I'm not sure what the future holds.  I'm not sure if we'll have kids or not, but right now, I don't care.  I think for the first time in my life, I am not stressing about the future.  I'm not worried about what might happen.  I'm truly living in the moment and going with the flow and it feels so great!

And now for your viewing pleasure, some pictures from the last few months. A couple of weekends ago my brother and his girlfriend and their puppy came to visit and we drove to Telluride (probably one of the most beautiful places I've seen in my entire life), and came home through Ridgeway, Ouray and Silverton.  The mountains on this drive are breathtaking. There are honestly no words to describe the absolute beauty and awesomeness of this part of Colorado. I wish I had more pictures, but luckily I live here and I'm sure we'll go again! Enjoy, I know I do!

View from our deck with Snow!

Pretty snow covered trees

 More snow covered trees

So pretty

 Kash loves the snow and his Christmas pjs!

 Taking a walk in the snow

 Christmas time

Michael loves his new toy

 New scarf and beanie made with love by our friend Becky!

 Kash loves his new toys

 Ryan loves his new toys. Ha!

 Christmas table

New Years Eve

Aw Michael!

Picture before my birthday dinner 

 Pooped out after their haircut

 Snowshoeing for the first time!

 Snowshoeing

 So beautiful

 We love snowshoeing!

 Going for a drive to Telluride

Hi!

 Amazing mountains on the way to Telluride

So pretty

Beautiful snow covered mountains. 

More mountains

 And more

And still more

 Baby Ella (my brother and his girlfriends puppy) is queen of the mountains!

 Bridge in Telluride

Us on the bridge

 Frozen waterfall in Telluride

 Lookout right outside of Ouray with my brother and his girlfriend

 Ryan and Michael hanging out in the grass

 Getting ready to go for a walk

 Bike ride!

 So much fun!

 Stop for beer

 The four of us getting ready to ride back home

 Foggy morning

 Elk

 Lots of elk

 Kashy doing a little yoga

 Michael just hanging out

 Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Infertility Treatments: Take Two

Hey Everyone!

Cycle two is done.  I'm going to get right to the point and tell you that it didn't work.  Again, not a huge surprise, but I had a little more hope for this one.  I'm not sure if it works this way for other women doing these treatments, but there comes a point when I just know it didn't work.  I don't need my period to show up or to take a test to know that I'm absolutely not pregnant.  It's weird, but I guess it also helps me to deal with it when that test day comes and I get a negative result.  

We had originally planned to do three cycles and then take a break.  We were going to do an IUI for the third cycle, just to maybe give us a little better shot at a positive.  That was the plan until last week.  Last week I just started to feel like I didn't want to do another cycle right now.  I don't want to take drugs, have multiple ultrasounds and have a Dr tell us when we have to DTD.  I don't want to spent another $1550 on a cycle that I really feel won't work.  We've already spent almost $3000 and it's only the middle of February!!  We knew that money would become an issue at some point and that point came a little sooner than we expected.  So after talking about it, we both decided that our heads are not in the right place right now to do another cycle.  We are going to try a different route.  

Before we left AZ I was seeing a naturopathic Dr.  I was going weekly to get acupuncture and massages.  I was also trying to see a chiropractor regularly, but wasn't doing a great job at that.  I loved that Dr.  I loved all the natural stuff I was doing, but I was also so stressed that I wasn't all that great at it.  Part of our goal when moving here was to really try to get healthier and more active and most of all, reduce our stress.  I think we've done great at reducing stress and we are working on getting healthier and more active. We recently found a chiropractor close to our house.  Our decision, for right now, is to see him regularly and continue making healthy positive choices for our overall health.  

I have to acknowledge that we may end up back at the RE's office.  I'm not expecting to get pregnant just by getting adjusted regularly and being healthy.  That would be amazing, but I need to be realistic, hopeful, but realistic   I've done the research and I know how important spine health is, but I also know how important those fertility Drs are.  You know, I just get so damn frustrated when I think of how much it all costs.  I read so many stories every single day of women and men doing cycle after cycle and not getting any results.  Now that I've done a couple of cycles, and know how much they cost and the toll they take on the body, it makes my heart break for these couples.  All we all want is a baby, a family, to be a mom and a dad.  It should not be this hard, but for millions of people, it is their every day struggle.  

It never ceases to amaze me the twists and turns of this journey.  The decisions that we make sometimes even surprise me, but I'm always so sure that it's the right one at that time.  I read a pin on Pinterest the other day that really resonated with me.  It said , "Do not follow your heart. Follow the conviction of the Holy Spirit."  That's always my goal.  

~Tonya

Please consider helping me raise money for RESOLVE, a wonderful organization that has helped me from the very beginning.  They do everything they can to raise awareness for those of us with infertility.  The Arizona Walk of Hope will take place on March 23rd.  Like I have the last two years, I am raising money and hopefully will be there to walk.  No one should walk this journey alone. 

Walk of Hope 2013 - Scottsdale, AZ: Mrs. Tonya Neufeld - RESOLVE: 2013 Walk of Hope

Infertility Treatments: Take One

Hi Everyone!!

Warning: This post is a little TMI and if you think you might be uncomfortable reading it, I would stop now! When you are infertile and doing treatments you just can't be embarrassed about this stuff.

In my last post I told you all that we were going to start treatments.  In this post I'm going to tell you about the treatments that we are doing.

Infertility treatments are weird.  They are stressful and unnatural.  They are so ridiculous and yet can be so amazing.  Our first treatment started at the end of December.  This is the treatment that most people who are struggling to get pregnant start with.  I was told to call the office on day one of my cycle and on day three I went in for a baseline ultrasound.  Now, I want you all to keep in mind that every time I say I went in for an ultrasound, I'm talking about a vaginal ultrasound.  I was given a drug to take on day three.  The drug is called letrozole (femara) and I had to take it for 5 days (days 3 through 7 of my cycle).  One day 9 I went in for another ultrasound so the Dr could check the follicles on my ovaries.  The great news is that I responded great to the drug and the Dr was very happy with the results.  On day 11 I went back for another ultrasound.  The afternoon of day 11 I went back to the office one more time and received a trigger shot in my arm which forces ovulation.  At this point is where the timed intercourse comes in.  We had to DTD (this is how I've referred to it for awhile now, it means do the deed) 24 hours and 36 hours after the shot.  I got the shot at 5 pm so the 24 hours after wasn't too big of a deal.  The 36 hours after was a little more difficult.  Setting an alarm at 5 in the morning and knowing that you have to DTD is extremely stressful and puts a ton of pressure on it.  We were not successful at 5am.  However, we were successful a little later in the morning.  After that we had to wait for 2 weeks before taking a pregnancy test to see if it worked.

It's hard to describe the feelings I had during that first cycle.  I kept thinking that we paid $1220 for this treatment and what if it doesn't work because we couldn't DTD at 5 in the morning, which I didn't want to say because the last thing I wanted to do was make Ryan feel guilty.  I had to take the drugs and get the ultrasounds, but he had to perform.  That's so much pressure and completely takes the romance out of it.  They start the treatment with timed intercourse because they say it makes it feel a little more natural, but I'm not sure it does.  It's not very natural to be forced to do it at a certain time and to feel like you failed if you can't.

Those two weeks of waiting were stressful.  I didn't drink any wine during that whole time which is good, but was extremely difficult at the time.  I was anxious and I just wanted a glass.  I tried to give up coffee but I couldn't or wouldn't, I guess.  I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but I wasn't sure at what intensity I should exercise.  I watched more TV than normal because I just needed to keep my mind occupied.  I didn't want to talk about any of it.  I was terrified that it would work and we would have to move out of our house at the end of our lease in August because our landlords live directly below us and wouldn't want a screaming baby above them.  Then I felt so guilty for missing wine and not wanting to move.  Ha.  It was two weeks filled with tons of emotions.  I prayed and prayed and prayed some more.

By the time the two weeks were just about up, I knew it didn't work and I was right.  The Dr had told us numerous times to not be surprised if it didn't work the first cycle because it typically doesn't.  I took the test and it was negative.  I called the Dr to let him know and they told me to take one again the next day, which just annoyed me because I knew one day wasn't going to change the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  The next day it was still negative.  I was prepared for that result and honestly wasn't that upset.  I know my body and I knew that I wasn't pregnant, but Ryan still had that hope, so it was much harder on him.  

I still look at that first cycle as a success.  My ovaries responded to the drugs, which is huge!!  I never thought they would.  I thought they were shutting down, so knowing that they responded just gave us hope that we had lost.  We've since started a second cycle and again I'm praying like crazy that it works.  I feel much better emotionally this cycle.  I'm not nearly as stressed.  I'm not missing wine and I don't care if we have to move.  I'm just trying to go with the flow and relax.  If it doesn't work (which I'm trying not to think), I'm not sure how many more cycles we will be able to do and at what point they will switch and do an IUI (intrauterine insemination), where they stick the sperm directly in my uterus.  We're still paying for all of this out of pocket so it will start to add up.  But, for now I choose to be optimistic and hope that we don't have to do too many before it works.

Please keep us in your prayers and send us positive baby vibes!! I'll keep you all posted.

~Tonya

It's a New Year!!

Happy 2013 Everyone!!  I don't know about all of you, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's 2013.  Very weird.

I'm sure you're all wondering how our doctor's appointment went.  Last time I wrote was to tell you that we were going.  I haven't written since for a few reasons. First, our appointment was on the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting and nothing else seemed important that horrible day or the days after.  Second, we were so busy with the holidays that I just didn't have the time.  And third, I honestly just needed some time to process how the appointment went.

So how did it go??  It could not have been more opposite than the last time we saw a doctor for all of this.  We walked out of that office with a renewed sense of hope.  I'm not going to go into serious detail, but basically the doctor doesn't think my ovaries are failing.  He actually did an ultrasound right then and there and was able to see my ovaries and some follicles!!  He did agree that there is obviously something going on since we've been trying for over three years to get pregnant and nothing has happened, but he gave us the hope that we had completely lost.  We talked about some different treatment options, and I'm not going to go into those right now, but we are excited and nervous and basically every emotion you can think of.

But, while I am so thrilled at this news, I also feel so dumb.  It's a completely illogical feeling and I've been trying to analyze it since the appointment.  I feel kind of like a fraud, like I've been going around for two years saying I have this awful disease of premature ovarian failure, when I apparently don't.  I feel like I should have gotten a second opinion right away. I feel, and this is where it gets really stupid, that all the work I've done to raise awareness and money for infertility, somehow means less because my diagnosis wasn't real.  These are ridiculous things to think and the truth is, I'm still infertile, so it shouldn't make one bit of difference that my diagnosis changed.  But, somehow in my mind, right now, it does and I can't stop these feelings.  I'm hoping by putting it all out there, that they will be erased from my mind!

And while I'm feeling all of that, I also know that I am not a doctor.  I did not make up what was said in the initial appointment.  I was too shocked and devastated to get a second opinion.  And frankly, we weren't supposed to get a second opinion before this one.  We were supposed to be in Durango, with these doctors.  I believe God has a plan for our lives, I always have, and when I look back on the past three years I can see how the plan has lead us here.  I have no idea what happens next.  Will we get pregnant with the first treatment that we do?  Will we still end up having to do IVF?  Will we be that couple who experiences failed treatment after failed treatment?  I really try not to think of the future too much, but it's so hard.

It's a new year.  2013!  Maybe this will be our year, or maybe it won't.  We'll all just have to wait and see.

~Tonya

Starting Over

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Mine was really great.  We spent a week in AZ with my family and it was so much fun to hang out with everyone!  I was having such a great time that I didn't even have time to be sad about the fact that it's been two years now since our diagnosis.  Crazy how much has changed in those two years.

I've recently been contemplating getting a second opinion.  I realize some people might think it's crazy that I would wait two years to do this, but it's taken me that long to come to terms with my situation.  The thought of going to a different doctor to do more tests and possibly get the same news is absolutely terrifying.  I literally can't put into words how much stress I feel about starting any kind of infertility treatment.  It's so scary. But it's been weighing on me recently and I finally feel like the time is right to go see a different doctor.

When we moved to Durango I knew we wanted to take time off from all of this.  We just wanted to enjoy our new lives here and basically forget about the fact that we can't have babies.  That worked for a little while, but I want children and I can't ignore that desire for long.  At my first support group meeting here I met a woman who works for the two RE's in town.  At my second meeting I met two women who go to those doctors.  They all spoke so highly of them and it really made me want to go see them.  This morning I called and made an appointment.  I have my first consultation with Durango Reproductive on Friday December 14th!

I feel good about it.  I'm kind of excited, in a weird way.  I sort of feel like we're starting over, but with a lot more information.  I will keep you all posted on how it goes.

Stay tuned!
~Tonya