What the heck is an IUI?

Hi Everyone!

After writing that last post I realized that many people don't actually know what an IUI is or how it all works. Unfortunately, when you live in an infertile world, all these acronyms become a part of daily life and you just assume that everyone knows what you're talking about. I'm honestly thankful that many of you don't, because that means you aren't living in a world where you need them to have a family. 

IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination, which is when sperm is placed by a Dr. into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. I refuse to say anything about the statistics of getting pregnant via IUI because I'm actively choosing to be as positive as I can during this cycle. If you want to read about the process in more detail, I suggest going here, but I am going to explain what the cycle will look like for us (each Dr has a little different way of doing the cycle, but for the most part the insemination part is the same).

On day 1 of my cycle (which is the first day of your period for those who don't know) I called the Dr's office. 

On day 3 we went into the office for a baseline vaginal ultrasound to check how my ovaries and follicles are looking. This is gross and possibly my least favorite day. Today is day 3 for those wondering and my insides are looking good! They gave me medication to help stimulate my ovaries and follicle growth. This will be an oral medication. He is having me start the medication tonight and I will take it every night for 5 nights, so until day 7 of my cycle. 

On day 9 we will go back into the office for another ultrasound to see how my body is responding to the drugs. For those of you keeping track, this will be Christmas Day! #Christmasmiracle!

On days 10 to 14, I will be having sporadic vaginal ultrasounds, possible FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) shots and depending on how my follicles are looking, they will perform the insemination on one of those days. This is the 'fun' part for Ryan. He gets to nuzzle up to the plastic cup! Sing it with me, "Clear plastic cup, I'll fill you up! Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby!" Haha! This is our theme song! They will take his sample and do a sperm wash. This separates the good mobile sperm, from those lazy guys and they then concentrate the good stuff into a small dose. The Dr. then uses a small catheter to place the sperm directly into my uterus. After that, I will most likely receive a trigger shot to force ovulation and the magic happens!

Days 14 through 28 are the absolutely dreaded two week wait. The worst two weeks ever! I'll go into that more in a later post, but just know, they suck a lot! 

So, there is it folks. I hope to get pregnant with my husband standing by my head, holding my hand and an old man Dr. between my legs with a catheter and my husbands sperm in a tube. Good times!  Really good times!

~Tonya

#Christmasmiracle

#Christmasmiracle

Hi Everyone!!

This is going to be a quick post.  I've debated writing this for awhile, but I finally decided that the prayers and support far outweigh the fear and anxiety I feel right now. 

We are starting an IUI cycle! This Friday! Ahhh!  I'm so excited, nervous, hopeful, and totally scared out of my mind.  I've sort of been a crazy person this week and I'm sure that's not going to go away until we know the results.  I'm not going to go into the specifics of why we've decided to start treatments again.  It all boils down to a simple truth.  We want a baby. 

So, I'm asking you all to pray for us, to send us your positive thoughts and to be hopeful with us.  A very good friend told me this week that being hopeful and believe it will work does not make me foolish, it's an expression of faith!  I have faith it will work.  I have faith that we will finally have the family we've desired for the past 5 years.  Please have faith with us! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! 

~Tonya

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Age and the Biological Clock

Lately I've been feeling slightly obsessed with my age and with the passage of time.  I think about it nearly every day.  I think about how I can't believe I'm in my early 30's, or that I graduated high school 14 years ago.  I can't believe I've worked for my current company for almost 9 years and we've been married almost 7.  We've been in Durango for almost 2 years already and it's gone by in a blink of an eye.  It's this constant feeling that the years are going too fast and it makes me feel panicky.

It hit me the other day that I might be starting to feel that clock tick.  I've heard about the biological clock but I've never really thought about it.  When we started trying I was in my mid 20's.  I didn't feel rushed.  Even after the diagnosis I didn't feel any pressure that my time was running out.  We've taken a break the last couple years and I'm so glad.  We've had an awesome time, but suddenly I feel like my time is getting shorter and shorter.  And I can't tell you how scary that is for someone who has already been trying for 5 years.  I'm 32 years old.  I know in the grand scheme of life that's not old, but in terms of fertility it is.

I recently started a second job for a few hours every afternoon in a 2 year old room at a preschool.  I never thought I'd be able to go back to that kind of work.  I loved kids for so many years and then after the diagnosis I had such a hard time being around them.  I was sad and angry and resentful.  I'm happy to say that I enjoy their company again.  I've had a couple moments where I've felt sad, but for the most part, I feel really good and happy.  But this obsession with my age is starting to weigh on me.  I compare my age to every single parent at this preschool. Some of them are younger, some about my age and some are older than me.  I'm intrigued with the ones who are older.  I wonder if they went through infertility treatments or if they were able to get pregnant naturally.  I wonder if they waited till later in life on purpose or did they have problems or did they wake up one day in their late 30's and think well I guess we better have a baby now if we want one. If we ever have kids, that will be us.  The older parents.

I think I feel panicky because we still don't have a plan to go back to treatments.  We are enjoying our life so much right now.  We have other plans.  We are renewing our lease in this house for one more year and then we plan to buy something in Durango next year. We don't want to think about pricey fertility treatments, but at the same time I realize we have to start thinking about it again.  We're not getting any younger and I'm already at a disadvantage because of my old eggs.  I just keep hoping it will happen naturally and we won't have to spend thousands of dollars on it all again.  We don't have that kind of money to put toward it all right now, not with trying to buy a house.  It's such a huge issue for infertile couples.  A down payment on a house is a round or two of IVF.  It's stressful and how do you choose.

I guess right now kids still aren't our main priority and that's OK with me.  I know, biologically speaking, they will have to become a priority eventually.  Until then, I'll just be over here getting older and trying not to obsess about it too much.

~Tonya

It Doesn't Go Away

Recently I've been thinking about being pregnant.  I've been thinking about how exciting it would be to pee on that stick and see that positive.  How amazing it would be to run and show Ryan.  How my heart would jump in my chest at that very exciting news. How I would be beyond happy and completely terrified all at the same time.  I can picture it all so vividly that I actually get excited thinking about it.  And then I remember.

This year marks 5 years since we've been trying.  5 years!  Many of you have had a baby or more in that amount of time.  You've experienced that thrill of the positive stick, of sharing the news with your spouse, your family and your friends.  The excitement of seeing that first ultrasound, finding out what you're having, decorating a baby room, feeling those first little movements inside your body, having a baby shower, the pains of labor and the absolute joy and love that comes over you when you see your baby for the first time. I really want that experience and it's hard to think that it might not happen that way. I'm not really sure why these thoughts and feelings have been popping up the last month or so, but they have, and I've been on this journey long enough to know that I just have to feel them.  I have to feel the sadness and the loss of hope that accompanies infertility because honestly, it's sort of impossible to deny it.  I've been trying to squash it the last few weeks and it hasn't been working so all you lovely people get to read about it.  Maybe putting it out into the universe will help me a bit and I'm hoping it will help the other people who I know are reading this and feeling the same things.  You're not alone. 

It's been about a year since we did treatments.  Neither one of us are at all ready to go back to them.  I'm not sure when or if we will be ready.  I haven't written anything in a long time because we are seriously so happy where we are right now and I just didn't have much to say on the matter.  I've said it so many times, but I'll say it again, I wouldn't change a thing.  Nothing. All of this is happening the way it is supposed to, but even after 5 years and all the unexpected happiness that has come out of our infertility, there are still some hard, sad times.  That desire for a baby doesn't go away.  Even in my happiest times, I still think about it. I've found that it's possible for me to be immensely happy and sort of sad all at the same time, it's strange, but true. 

If you're reading this and feeling sorry for me, I don't want that.  I'm not writing this to have people feel bad or sorry for me.  I love my life.  I'm happy where we are.  I don't want your pity.  I would however like your prayers and positive thoughts.  I would also really really like you to think about those people in your life that could be dealing with the same things as we are.  It's not easy folks.  Be compassionate to those around you. Be kind and loving and most of all, be thankful for what you have been blessed with.  I know I am! 

~Tonya