Thoughts before Choosing a Donor

So I know I said that my next post would be about choosing a donor, but I feel like before I delve into that, I need to go into a little more detail about my diagnosis. I realize that there are many people who still don't fully understand why we are not trying other options to get pregnant using my eggs. I just want to address that before I talk about choosing a donor.

Premature ovarian failure, which is pretty much what I have and affects only 1% of the female population, can be hard to grasp.  I am young and healthy and I think when I say I will be going through menopause in a few years, people tend to think I'm exaggerating. I wish that were the case. But the truth is that my ovaries are failing. They will stop working completely. I will stop having a period, which if I'm looking at the positive, will be pretty nice. No more worrying about periods on vacation! There is no drug that will help with this situation. Something I did not know before all of this is that a women is born with all the eggs she will ever have. Once they are gone, there is no getting them back. And you can't have a baby without eggs. When I saw that ultrasound I didn't understand, but when I got home and did some research it was very clear how severe my situation is. I am not going to have a baby that is genetically mine. Period. End of story. It was a huge blow.

I know that may seem like I am being negative or pessimistic and believe me I've been accused of it, but I don't think of it like that. I honestly feel like we are lucky in a way. Now let me explain that. Infertility is hard. It can be an incredibly long process. Some couples literally spend years trying to get pregnant before they are told that nothing is working and they should consider donor eggs. Imagine going to the Dr. and being given some drug and told to take it, chart your temperature, have sex at a certain time, and come back in 3 months if it doesn't work. Then in 3 months when still nothing is happening going back and having the Dr. up the dosage and having to do it all again. How frustrating and heartbreaking! These couples spend years, and thousands of dollars and all they get is failure. And more than the time and money is the emotional toll infertility can have on a person. These situations truly test a relationship and there are couples who do not make it through. I really could go on and on, but I won't. The point is we are lucky in that we don't have to go through all of that. We were told right up front that our option, if I wanted to experience child birth, was donor egg IVF. And while that was shocking and came out of nowhere, at least we know. We don't have to spend years of failed fertility treatments to get to that point.

I will tell you that our Dr. gave us the option of doing IVF using my own eggs. So now you are saying, "Well why aren't you doing it?" There are a couple reasons why. First being that it won't work. The success rates are absolutely horrible for someone with  my diagnosis. And I know, absolutely know, in my heart that our first child/children will not be genetically mine. I can't explain it, I just know, we both do. Second is that it is extremely expensive. The Dr. told us that we could do it more for peace of mind, to say that we at least tried it, so we would be able to move on. We don't have the money to spend on "peace of mind." Third, without going into too much detail, is that women with premature ovarian failure often test positive for the Fragile X gene mutation. This means that if it did work with my own eggs there is a possibility that we could have a child with Fragile X syndrome, which is a form of mental retardation. After we talked about everything we came to the conclusion that we were going to skip all of that and go straight for what has the highest success rate, which is donor egg.

I want to end with the fact that I know miracles happen. I pray for one all the time. But I also know that sometimes things don't work the way we planned and it ends up being better. We are both extremely excited about what we have ahead of us. We have already started the donor picking process and I promise the next post will really be about choosing a donor.

Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Some Good News

Hi all! I feel like it's been a long time since my last blog. I have been a busy girl. I wish I had more time to devote to my blog, but at least until the end of the year it comes second to school. I will have my Bachelor's degree in December! It's always been one of my goals so I'm happy that I've been able to accomplish it. Now if I only knew what I wanted to be when I grow up...

Anyway, since my last blog I do have some good news. No, I'm not pregnant if that's what you're thinking. I wish it were that easy. My first bit of good news is that my thyroid levels are normal. Now you're probably reading this and thinking, "Well I didn't know you had a thyroid problem. Did she tell us she had a thyroid problem?" No, I did not share that news in my previous posts. I try to keep my medical problems to one per every three posts. Not really, but sometimes it feels like I have so much wrong with me and I figured the egg situation was the big one. Now on to the thyroid situation...
When we first went to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for our infertility workup I had to have a bunch of blood work done. Well it tuned out that along with my lack of eggs, I also had hypothyroidism. Our RE told us that he would not treat us until my thyroid levels were in the normal range. Of course he couldn't do anything for the thyroid so I had to make an appointment with a regular endocrinologist. Let me tell you, finding a good endocrinologist that doesn't have a waiting list a half a year long was not easy. I ended up still having to wait 3 months before I even got an appointment. Once the time finally came for my appointment the Dr. took more blood work, and did an ultrasound of my thyroid. She said everything looked good and luckily my thyroid levels were not that far from normal. She gave me some thyroid medicine and said that she thought it would only take 6 weeks to get my numbers where they needed to be. Well on May 31st I got the good news that my thyroid levels are normal! Yay!

It's been 5 months since our appointment with the RE and almost 7 months since that fateful ultrasound. I've had alot of time to come to terms with our diagnosis. I think being forced to wait gave us both some time to just let it all sink in and honestly to sort of forget about it all. Not that we ever truly forgot about it, but we couldn't do anything, so we didn't feel like we needed to make any decisions. But now that we are not waiting on anything I feel kind of excited, nervous and overwhelmed. We have alot of stuff to talk about now and alot of important decisions to make. Choosing a donor is a huge decision. One that will impact us for the rest of our lives. One that I will discuss further in my next post.

Now for my second bit of good news. I was asked by Resolve to write an article about my experience with the Walk of Hope for their fall newsletter! This made me tremendously happy. I really feel like I've come a long way in the 7 months since finding all of this out. It's sort of weird, but I've found a passion. Never in my life did I think I would feel so passionate over something like infertility, but I do. Don't get me wrong, this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, but I don't think I would take it back. This has changed us. I believe it has made our relationship so much stronger. So I feel proud that Resolve has asked me to write this article. I hope that it is the first of many. I also hope that I can take this passion and do something to help others who are struggling with infertility.

That's all my good news for now. I will leave you all with some beautiful pictures that Ryan took while we were on vacation last week in Colorado. It was a very relaxing vacation. Something that I think we both needed. Enjoy!

~Tonya

Stay tuned for my next post on choosing a donor.

"You can always adopt"

I hate that phrase. Ok, so maybe hate is a strong word. I dislike greatly that phrase or anything similar. Now before you think I'm some horrible person who doesn't like adoption, let me clarify. I think adoption is wonderful. There are many children out there who need loving homes and many couples out there who would love to have those children. Adoption is an absolutely great thing for many people. I don't hate or dislike adoption.

So now that we're clear on that, lets get back to why I dislike the phrase, "Well you can always adopt."

When I was a little girl all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I loved babies. I never had any career goals, my goals were always focused around having babies. I loved them so much that my first job and the next 4 after it where in daycares. It was perfect! I could get my baby fix everyday at work.

When I met Ryan I was 23 and when we got married I was 25. Based on my previous statements, you would think that we would have jumped right into the baby making, but we weren't ready. We both felt very strongly about being married for a couple years before we had kids. And even knowing all that we know now, I still don't think we would change that decision. But we couldn't wait to have babies together. I was so excited to be pregnant. To have our child growing inside of me. Pregnancy is a miracle and I wanted to experience it.

From the moment I met Ryan I knew that he would be an amazing dad. We even had names all picked out for when we children. It's human nature. You fall in love with someone, get married and then you have babies. That's all I've ever wanted. You know it's more than just raising kids with someone. It's that basic need to procreate. When you find that person you want to spend your life with, you start to picture what your children will look like. Will she look like me? Will he have his athletic abilities? These are things people think about when they start trying to have a baby. And after you have the baby, you pull out all the old baby pictures and everyone oohs and aahs over how much the baby looks like you or him. I wanted that, we wanted that. We are not going to get that.

Sorry if you are now crying, but I tell you all that to maybe help you slightly understand some of what I think about. The emotional toll of infertility is a very hard thing to convey. Unless you have been told that you will not be able to have a baby the same way everyone else does, then you just don't understand. You can't.

So when I finally started to tell people that we were struggling with infertility and the response I got from some people was, "Well you can always adopt" it made me want to scream. Of course I didn't and most people who said that to me or Ryan were trying to be encouraging and truly do care about us. But for us, telling us to adopt was like saying, "Well it's really no big deal that you can't have your own baby. You can always just go adopt someone else's." It can feel like one of the most dismissive comments, like people just don't care. Our lives are in turmoil. We are trying to come to terms with this huge life changing situation and the only thing someone can say is that there is always adoption?

The truth is that people don't know what to say. Infertility can be a very uncomfortable topic for people. And honestly I'm going through it and still don't know what the right thing to say is half the time. I do know that if you have anybody in your life going through infertility, do not bring up adoption. Wait until they bring it up. I've mentioned before that infertility is a grieving process. You can't be told that you can't have a baby and then go, ok cool well I'll just adopt. It doesn't work that way. It takes some couples years to come to that decision. Plus adoption is not that easy. It can be just as expensive as infertility treatments. As of now we have no interest in adoption and I don't feel at all bad about that. We may never want to adopt and that's ok too.

So to bring it back around. I dislike that phrase but I think adoption can be great. Just don't tell us to do it. Tell us that you are thinking about us, or praying for us. Tell us it sucks and that you are sorry that we are going through this. Act normal around us. If you have a question about infertility, just ask. I've been pretty open about all of this so if you want to know something I'll tell you.

Lastly and then I promise I'm done. If you have told us to adopt, please don't worry about it. This is new for all of us. We don't hold anything against anyone. The point of this blog is to educate people, not make people feel bad for something they may or may not have said. We have been blessed with many very supportive people in our lives and we love you all!

~Tonya

For more info about what not to say to someone struggling with infertility go here.

Atlanta

Hi all! I figured I would write about last weekend's trip to Atlanta. For those of you wondering how it went, or for those of you wondering why I went, here it is. But first I guess I should tell you a little bit about how I ended up there.

When I found out that my body is old I was in shock. I found myself going from researching pregnancy symptoms to researching premature ovarian failure and low egg count. I basically switched one obsession for another. During all of this I was also going to school and expected to write papers and do homework. To say I was having a hard time concentrating would be a huge understatement. I mean, I had just had my life turned upside down, and this teacher wanted me to read about dead Psychologists and write a research paper! Didn't she know that my life had just changed profoundly? Couldn't she tell that I had something on my mind? Well of course she couldn't because when you find out that kind of news it usually takes some time to process. You are not running around yelling from the top of your lungs that your body is defected and you are infertile. Although I have to say from almost the very beginning I've told people about this. I just couldn't keep it quiet. I couldn't sit in class, or sit at work, or sit anywhere people I knew were and not say something. So when it came time to choose a topic for my research paper I decided to write about the emotional effects of infertility on a couple. Hello! I was living it, it should be the easiest paper I have ever written.

You may be reading this saying, "Ok, what does this have to do with Atlanta?" I promise I'm getting there. 

Because it was a research paper I had to have resources and that is how I found out about Resolve. Resolve is the National Infertility Association and I loved them from the moment I clicked on their web page. These were people who understood what we were going through. I felt relief and sadness at the same time. Relief because we are not alone, sadness because we are not alone. I was on their website everyday. You can add them to my list of obsessions.

Anyway, I wrote my paper and I got an A on it. I better have, how could I have messed that one up?! I was also still on Resolve's website everyday. That was how I found out about the Walk of Hope. I kept seeing the link for it and one day decided to click on it to see what it was all about. I read the rules and I decided that this was something I needed to do. They were running a contest where the person that raised the most money by April 30th won a free flight and hotel stay in Atlanta so they could attend the Walk of Hope. I called Ryan and asked him what he thought. I couldn't possibly raise money for infertility without telling people we are infertile. And I definitely couldn't tell people we are infertile without the support from Ryan. He was ok with it, so I create a team and started sending out emails. I also made it public by posting it to Facebook.

Obviously I won the trip. I kinda wish I could be humble and say that I never thought I would win, but that would be a lie. I signed up with the absolute goal to win. I was going to win that trip and nothing was going to stop me. I didn't care how annoying I got sending out emails asking people to donate. By this point in my journey I was pissed! Infertility is like grieving and I was in the angry stage. The only positive was that my anger was focused on the fact that infertility just doesn't get the support it needs. I had made the decision that I was not going to suffer in silence. People were going to know about this disease and I wanted to help educate them.

When they called to tell me I won the trip I was so happy. When the lady from Resolve emailed me the Tuesday before the walk to ask me if I would give a short speech, well I had a bit of a panic attack.  All that big talk and I was seriously freaked out. But I also knew that I had to do it. No matter how scary the thought of talking in front of people is, I couldn't pass up the opportunity.

My mom and my friend went with me to Atlanta. It was a fun trip from the start. On the Saturday morning before the walk I was so nervous. When we got to the park I almost immediately calmed down. I'm not totally sure why. Maybe just knowing that I was around so many people that knew exactly what infertility is like. Plus I knew I couldn't mess up my speech. I was talking about something I know very well, myself. I was a little surprised by the amount of kids there at first. It kinda caught me off guard, but then I realized that all of these people had went through all sorts of treatments to get their beautiful children. It was inspiring to see them with their children and also to see that they hadn't forgot what it took to get them.

I did my speech and I believe I did well. I didn't feel nervous at all once I got up there. The people I met while in Atlanta were amazing. I hope to keep in contact with them. I also hope that Atlanta is the first of many speeches I give about my infertility journey.

For those of you that haven't seen my speech and would like to I will try to get it up later. I tried to upload it a couple times but it wasn't working for me. 

I want to end this post with a huge thank you to all the people who supported us while we raised money. I would not have been able to go to Atlanta without all of you very generous people.

~Tonya

I've started a blog!

Caution: In order to talk about infertility I can't be shy or reserved. If you are at all uncomfortable with the idea of reading about my Dr. appointments and all the details then stop reading now. Otherwise be prepared to know things about me that you never thought you would! :)


I've decided to start blogging about our infertility journey. So much has happened since we found out we are infertile and unfortunately it is just the beginning. I'm sure some people are wondering, "what exactly is wrong with you? Why can't you have a baby?" I know infertility is a broad diagnosis but I assure you we know exactly what is wrong with my body. In short, I am an old lady! Lol. I laugh because for a long time I have said that I was just an old lady in a younger body. I have a hard time staying up late, I have aches and pains and I'm sure there are other things that I can't think of right now that made me say that. It was always a joke between Ryan and I. Well imagine our surprise when that turned out to be true.

I have diminished ovarian reserve that will turn into premature ovarian failure. A little history of how we got to this diagnosis.

Ryan and I started trying to have a baby in about July of 2009. By November of 2010 I just had a feeling that something wasn't right. They say that if you don't get pregnant within a year of trying then you should see a Dr. So on November 22, 2010 we went for our first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist. We didn't leave there feeling very positive. Did you know that if you are young and healthy and do not get pregnant after a year of trying, then your chances of conceiving naturally drop to 5%. I know right?!?! It's crazy! The Dr. told us the first thing that needed to be checked was my ovaries. One the third day of my period, which just happened to be November 27, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I went in for a vaginal ultrasound. Ryan was out of town on a boys camping trip so my mom went with me. Sitting in that cold room undressed from the waist down with that ugly robe wrapped around me, I was so nervous. And boy was I totally unprepared for what I was going to find out that day!

When the Dr. was doing the unltrasound he said, "Hm, I can't seem to see your ovaries. This looks like what I see when I'm looking at a menopausal women." WHAT!!! Now I'm no Dr. but I knew that this could not be good. The last time I checked women go into menopause when they are old. I was only 28! I mean, I guess I was closer to 29, but still! I can't be menopausal.  And what does that actually mean?!?! He then went on to explain that normal women my age should have any where from 10 to 20 antral follicles on each ovary. The number of antral follicles is a good indicator of how many eggs a women has left. Someone my age should have alot of eggs. So I'm sure you're dying to know what my number was, right? Well I had ONE follicle on each very small ovary. Now the old lady comment is starting to make sense right? I knew that wasn't good, but I still didn't fully understand what it meant. Well after some research on my own and then confirmation from the Dr. at our appointment for our test results we were given the bad news. He said if we want to have a baby we will need to either adopt or do In Vitro Fertilization using a donor egg. Yep! You read that right. If I want to actually experience pregnancy, which I very much do, I will have to use an egg from some other woman. Talk about one hell of a shocking diagnosis. So there you have it, the story of how we found out we are infertile.

There is so much more I could say but I'm going to end it here. The point is that this is a very serious and upsetting situation for us. What makes it worse is the absolute lack of support for people struggling with infertility. Insurance covers nothing for us. We are looking at costs up to $30k to do donor egg IVF and there is no guarantee that we will even get pregnant! I don't know about you, but we do not have that kind of money laying around. So I'm going to be pretty damn vocal about all of this. I have nothing to be ashamed of!

Stay tuned for more in the Neufeld vs Infertility battle!
Tonya