The Animas House

I will never forget the first time I walked into the Animas House seven years ago. I walked in, saw the view and was in awe. But I also walked in and felt peace for the first time in a couple years. We were right in the middle of our infertility struggle and everything was hard. I was sad, angry, bitter and sort of depressed and the overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness that washed over me was staggering. It just felt right. This was where we needed to be. This was why God told me to move to Durango. This was where our story would change. And oh my goodness, did it ever. (click here to read more about the decision to move)

Home is where your heart is. I'm sure you've heard that saying and while it's true, there are also actual houses that have a heart. The Animas House has a heart. It is a very special house. We loved living there. There is just something about the mountains, the river and waving at the train everyday that healed us. It was almost impossible to have a bad day there. If I was feeling sad, frustrated or angry, I'd just look outside and that feeling of peace would wash over me.

And while the house itself is amazing, the couple who own it are beyond amazing. The 5 years we lived there and shared that house with them were wonderful.  They were our first friends here. There were many hours spent in their home below ours, talking with them, playing games, drinking wine and craft beer, and just getting to know them They became like a 3rd set of parents to us. We love them and they made the house feel like home.

We had so many fun and memorable times in the five years that we lived there. Our biggest miracle happened in that house. Our sweet baby came home to that house and lived her first year of life there! Taking the pregnancy test in the bathroom, telling Ryan in his office, laying in the grass outside on a super hot day while pregnant, laboring on the deck before heading to the hospital, rocking my baby in her room and so many many moments will forever be seared in my memory. My heart and soul were healed in that house.

Two years ago today we said goodbye to our first home in Durango, and moved to our new one. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I know that might seem dramatic, but you guys, we LOVED the Animas House and moving out was gut retching. I think I cried more moving out than I did the entire first year of Olivia's life. Ha! It took me a full year to feel like the new house was home. And anytime I drove by the Animas House I cried. I felt like I left a part of myself there. It seems so silly to be so emotional over a house, but I missed it so much.

But God had a plan, as he does, and today we signed the papers to purchase the Animas House!! We've been living back here for two weeks now and every single day I wake up and see the view, I have to pinch myself. It's an absolute dream come true! Watching Olivia run into the yard and wave at the train every day brings tears to my eyes. Our baby came home to this house and she will now grow up in this amazing home! The emotion this brings is absolutely overwhelming.

It's so crazy to think of our story over the past 7 years. I would not change one single thing about it. We are SO blessed and we are HOME!!!!

~Tonya, Ryan and Olivia

 The Train!

 Olivia and Grandma waving!

 Olivia and Paula (the previous owner) waving!

 Just enjoying the view together. 

 First day back! Feels SO good!

Waving!! 

Mommy and Olivia just relaxing in the grass!

 Just got done signing the papers!!!! 

Infertility Take Two

Today we dropped off almost of all of Olivia's baby stuff at the fair grounds for a huge consignment sale that's happening this weekend. I've spent the last week and a half going through all her clothes and tagging them for this sale. It's been a weird, emotional week. In my head I know they are just material things and in the grand scheme of life, not important. But you guys, I'm really sad about it. And it's taken me until this very moment to really understand why. Obviously, it's super bittersweet looking through all the baby stuff and always makes me a little emotional. She's growing so stinking fast!! It's unreal. But, the real pain is the realization that by getting rid of all her baby things, I'm basically giving up the dream of having a second baby. That's a very hard pill to swallow. I saved those clothes just in case we had a second baby. Her infant car seat sat in the garage, because it can be used if we have a second baby. The bassinet, the jumperoo, the rock 'n play, you name it, we saved it. We kept it all...just in case. But here's the thing, I don't think we're going to have a second baby and that kind of breaks my heart a little bit. Olivia would be the best big sister. She's so kind and sweet and the thought of not being able to give her a sibling makes me feel awful. I dread the day when she starts asking for a baby brother or sister. I mean, most of her friends have baby siblings, why wouldn't she wonder where hers is?

Infertility the second time around has been different. I figured it would be, but you never really understand until you experience it. The pain is different. It's sporadic. I don't have the same amount of thought to give to it. I'm busy. I work. I have a toddler. Some days the thought of adding another baby feels exhausting. But what I've realized is that just because my brain isn't consciously obsessing about getting pregnant, that doesn't mean it's not there, under the surface. This is different than the first time. The pain is still there. The heartache is still there. The roller coaster ride that is infertility is still there. I just can't give it the time it deserves, because I don't have the time to give. So it festers and builds and I find that while I was so open, honest and in tune with myself the first time around, I'm really not now. I don't like it because I feel like I'm unable to put my feelings into words. I just can't quite figure myself out right now. It's unsettling.

We made the decision a long time ago that we will not do any kind of treatments again. They didn't work. They are expensive and so stressful. My body was already at a big disadvantage and the recent years haven't helped. Lately my cycle has gotten so messed up that I'm currently taking birth control to try to regulate it. Talk about the exact opposite of what we are wanting! It's only 2 months and I'm hopeful it will be enough, but who knows? What I do know is that combining birth control, with getting rid of all of the baby stuff is making me incredibly emotional and I thought it was a good time to finally sit down and share it all.

I know this post is a little all over the place, but welcome to my mind right now.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.

~Tonya