Change is Hard

I had a little breakdown last week. It wasn't pretty. Ryan told me that I should probably go talk to someone. He's probably right.

I shared a couple weeks ago about my desire for a second baby. I have such a hard time describing my feelings about this. I want another baby so badly, but then sometimes I don't know if I want another baby. It's confusing and it's hard for me to figure out, so tying to explain it to someone else or write it down for all of you is very hard. I'm sure I'll delve into all that more in the future, but that's not what this post is about. This is a post about intense emotions and feelings of failure, some of which I'm sure come from the above confusion.

So, back to my breakdown. Over the past couple months I've been in a funk. I've known it, I've felt it but I didn't totally know what to do to get out of it. I haven't been working out, I've been eating horribly, I'm about 30 lbs heavier that I want to be, I'm drinking way more wine than I should, watching way too much TV and I feel as though my parenting could be way better. Basically, I'm being an absolute negative nelly. You'd think it would be easy to just start working out, eating better, watching less TV and stop drinking so much wine, but change is ridiculously hard.

Last week I listened to "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis because she is speaking at the Rodan + Fields convention in September and I wanted to know what to expect. I recommend everyone listen to or read this book. It pretty much held a mirror up to my life and forced me to acknowledge that I was the ONLY person who could do anything about how I was feeling. All of a sudden everything became clear, I was failing at everything in my life. Now, writing that feels harsh and mean and I would NEVER say that to another person, but that's how I felt last Tuesday. I felt like I pretty much sucked at everything. I was doing everything half-assed. It was a slap in the face! Feeling like you completely suck at life is a super shitty feeling! Now you're probably thinking, "Why on earth would I want to read a book that gave you that reaction?" but I promise you, it's amazing. It's amazing because it was true. Obviously, I was being incredibly harsh on myself and I have a habit of negative self talk so that's the direction I went, but the fact is, I wasn't doing things to the best of my ability. Period. That's fact. But with that knowledge, I became instantly overwhelmed. I felt like I had a list a mile long of stuff to do and things to change. It was too much and I kind of lost it. Cue the ugly tears and Ryan looking at me with loving concern telling me I needed to talk to someone because he didn't know how to help me. I was sort of a mess.

As I said earlier, change is crazy hard! You can know what you need to do to feel better, but actually getting yourself to take the steps can seem impossible. That's been me the past few months. I knew there were things I needed to do, but the thought of doing them was just too much, so I didn't. This isn't a post about how I magically fixed my life in a week. Far from it! I have made some minor adjustments this past week though and I'm starting to feel like I'm slowly digging myself out of the rut instead of digging myself deeper. I've realized that little changes can make a world of difference AND that giving myself grace and acknowledging my wins is so much more effective than focusing on the the things I didn't do. There's a lot to be said about mindset and positive self talk! And you know what? Even though taking a conscious look at your life can be so hard and uncomfortable, it's such a good thing to do. Self reflection and personal growth are so important and I believe everyone should be doing a little more of it. I don't think my breakdown last week was bad, it was a wonderful release and reset and now I feel ready to do what I need to do! It won't happen over night but every step in the right direction is a little win toward the bigger one!

I wanted to share a few of my current goals. They aren't huge, but they are small things that are already starting to make a difference.

1. Get up at 6 am and spend an hour of me time before I start my day.
2. Move my body at least 30 minutes a day. Yoga, walking/jogging, dancing in the living room with Olivia, playing outside. Just get up and be active!
3. Drink more water!! Half my body weight in ounces to be exact.
4. Read the Bible every day.
5. Write down 10 things each day that I am grateful for. 10 things that happened that day.
6. Limit my TV watching.

Some of these are easier than others to accomplish but I'm trying and I feel like it's working. I'm feeling much better. Do I still struggle? Of course! You guys, life is sometimes hard and stressful, and I have to constantly remind myself about the things that I did accomplish when I feel guilty about not doing everything! I'm most definitely a work in progress, but aren't we all!

~Tonya

A second would be eggs-cellent!

Hi Everyone!! Holy Cow it's been a long time! Almost 3 years since I last wrote a post. I've thought about writing a blog so many times during the last few years, but I honestly felt a little weird. Without going into too much detail, because this is not what this post is about, I struggled with intense feelings of guilt during much of my pregnancy, which stopped me from writing. I just felt like I suddenly didn't have a voice in the infertility world anymore, like I was a traitor to the cause. I've met so many wonderful, deserving people through the years and wrapping my head around the fact that we were blessed with a baby and they haven't been, was, and still is, hard. Ultimately, I've been coming to the understanding that having a baby does not negate our infertility journey.

So, you might be wondering what this post is actually about. It's about wanting a second baby. For many people who have been blessed with one child, the voiced desire and possible struggle to have a second (or third, or fourth) child can bring about a negative reaction. They may hear multiple variations of, "Well at least you have one baby! You should be happy with that!" This always bugged me before I had Olivia and still bugs me now. In my experience, the people who voiced struggles after having one child didn't receive the same kind of support as those who had none and were struggling to have their first. This, added to the feelings of guilt, has been another reason I have been kind of quiet about it all. Shouldn't we just be happy with one? Don't get me wrong, we are over the moon thrilled with our little family, but it's starting to feel like it might not be totally complete.

When we were first married, our dream family always involved at least two children. That dream took a slight detour, but it's still there. We would love to have another baby, but I have no idea if we will be blessed with a second one. I go back and forth on feeling ready to even have a second child. Olivia is two and toddlers are hard. Some days the thought of adding an infant to the mix is very overwhelming. But then I watch her as she grows up and I have moments of such intense sadness because I don't know if I'm going to get to do it again. Will I get to be pregnant again? Will I get to nurse a baby in the middle of the night again? Or smell that wonderful newborn smell of my baby? As I go through all the little clothes that she's grown out of, I wonder if we will ever have another baby to fill those onsies and sleepers. That unknown is making me feel things that I haven't had time to feel in the last few years. It's bringing up some of those hard infertility feelings that got pushed way back when we had Olivia.

Here's the truth. We are on month nine of no birth control. Nine months have gone by without us doing anything to prevent a pregnancy and nothing has happened. We definitely aren't doing any ovulation kits or temp taking or anything like that, but we are not preventing at all. And even though I am a busy mom of a toddler, and I can do a great job of pushing down these feelings, they are starting to bubble to the surface lately. I feel a little more anxious than normal and a little more sad and down. I haven't truly been able to pinpoint it until I saw Olivia with a friends baby, and it hit me all at once. Having another child isn't just about Ryan and I wanting to create that family we originally dreamed of, it's about giving Olivia the opportunity to be a big sister. She would make the BEST big sister in the world. She LOVES babies. She's such a little nurturing, loving, caring, kind girl and it hurts my heart that she might not get that opportunity. She would love a little brother or sister and I pray that she gets one. Part of me feels like she will, but then part of me just doesn't know, and the unknown is making it hard.

So, for anyone curious if we are going to have a second or if we are trying, here's your answer.... I have no idea and it kind of sucks!

~Tonya