Sad

The second IUI cycle didn't work. We are not pregnant, yet again. Not really a huge surprise, but a massive blow. I'm taking this negative very hard.

I had such high hopes. I went into this whole IUI journey feeling so sure this was our path. We'd taken a break. The last two years have been so amazing, but I always secretly hoped that we'd get pregnant naturally. That all that bullshit advice I get from people would actually work. You know the ones, "just stop thinking about it and it will happen", or "go on vacation and relax and you'll get pregnant", or one of my personal favorites, "just get drunk and have sex". Well, we stopped thinking about it for two years. Our lives are basically like vacation, we live almost completely stress free and it's great. And we do enjoy going out and drinking a little too much every now and then. But none of that worked. We didn't get pregnant naturally, so when I felt so sure and at peace with the decision to go ahead and start treatments again, I really hoped it would work.

When the first cycle failed, I looked at the timing of the second one and I liked it. I thought it seemed like such good luck. Most people wouldn't think getting inseminated on your birthday would be fun, but I figured if I have to do this, what a great day. I was bad and looked at a due date calculator to see when we'd be due when it worked. I felt so sure it would. We would have been due on our anniversary. I thought that was just so perfect. And most of all, the sweet baby who sort of started me on this journey was visiting us during the second cycle. I had a full week of holding and snuggling the perfect baby and hoped my body would respond positively to that. I just really felt like it was all so perfect and right.

Unfortunately, the second cycle didn't go as planned. I didn't respond well to the drugs at all. I had to have 3 extra hormone shots just to get my one single follicle big enough to ovulate. It took longer than expected so I wasn't inseminated on my birthday, it was on a Monday. Even though the cycle was so stressful, I still had hope. I still thought it would work. It just had too.

Yesterday was supposed to be my test day. They tell you when to take a pregnancy test and then to call them with the results. I started my period on Saturday. I didn't even make it to test day. I have a freaking pregnancy test that I wasted my money on sitting under the sink in the bathroom.

I don't think I'll ever get to use that pregnancy test. This cycle was eye opening. My body is not working. It barely worked with all the drugs they used, and the Dr. agreed that by itself, every month, it's not doing what it needs to do to get pregnant. My ovaries and eggs are crap. I feel like we are back to where we very first started. Donor eggs.

I feel heartbroken, so angry and completely hopeless. I always just assumed that we would have a baby at some point in the future. I always thought that someday I'd be pregnant. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm pretty sure that I'll never be pregnant, and that thought is the hardest one of all, because that's all I've ever wanted. But, I can't picture it anymore. I don't know when I stopped picturing it, but I think it was awhile ago. We do not want to do IVF and we do not feel called to adopt. And even if that changes down the road, neither path is an easy one. I don't know if I want a baby bad enough for the money and stress that those options come with. I sort of feel guilty about that, but then I remember that most couples get pregnant without spending thousands and thousands of dollars! They don't have to make the decision of whether they should save money to buy a house or save money for IVF and the chance at a family. That's our current situation, a down payment or IVF? Screw that!

All this leaves us in a very unsure place. We are putting it all on hold again, but I don't know when or if we'll come back to it. I honestly can't explain to you all how much we absolutely hate fertility treatments. They don't feel right for us. So, are we saying that we are choosing to live child free forever? Maybe. Right now that's the decision. Nothing is set in stone. Maybe in a couple years we'll feel the need to do more, to try again. I don't know. But, for right now, I am the saddest I've been in years and I just need time to mourn.

~Tonya