Moving on Up!

Hey Friends!

Remember how a few posts ago I said we had some exciting things in the works, but I couldn't tell you all about them yet?  Well here it is folks, our big news that has nothing to do with a baby.

Five years ago when we bought our house, we had a dream of what our life was going to look like.  We were excited to paint and make our new house our home.  Over the last 5 years we've loved living here.  We've decorated, and put a lot of hard work into making this home exactly what we wanted.  But there is one thing that we've never been able to give it, no matter how hard we've tried.

I always knew exactly which rooms would be our children's rooms.  I would walk by and mentally picture where I would put the crib and the rocking chair, the changing table and dresser.  I'd try to decide what colors we would go with, which always depended on if we had a boy or a girl.  I pictured being pregnant and us painting the room.  Having a great time getting it ready for our baby.  I always imagined our cute spare bathroom with kids toys in the tub and a step up stool in front of the sink.  That's what we dreamed of when we bought this house 5 years ago. That's the life we thought we would have...that's not the life we are living.

We've recently made some very big decisions.  We are selling our house and moving to Durango, Colorado!  This decision has been extremely exciting, but it's also a little bittersweet.  Leaving our home and going to some place unknown is scary, but we are so excited about what the future holds!


More to come on this move...Stay tuned!

~Tonya

For your viewing pleasure.  Here are some pictures of us and our house.

Just got the keys to our house!!

Yay!! Ready to start our life together.

Ryan being a goofball while painting the den.

More painting of the den. (I'm wearing Ryan's clothes)

Painting the family room.

The kitchen

Painting is exhausting!

Ryan surprised me by painting our wedding day on the wall!

Backyard

 Building the grill

 The grill

Backyard 

Grill completed

Our beautiful backyard!

Kash loves the backyard!

Post Cleanse Update

Hi Everyone!

Well it's been a week and a half since the cleanse ended.  It went well.  I stuck with it the entire time and I felt really good afterward.  I started reintroducing food back in and so far I have not had an issue with anything, so that's a relief.

Last week I went in and the nutritionist gave me my fertility diet.  It is pretty much the exact same thing I was eating during the cleanse, I just have portions now.  A large reason for this is because I told her that I would also like to lose some weight.  But, I'm really having a hard time with this diet.  I feel horrible any time I cheat.  I think I've put a ton of pressure on myself with this diet and I think that I may need to dial it back some.  Unfortunately, I have a horrible habit of getting really overwhelmed and then just shutting down.  I don't want that to happen with this eating healthy thing.  I had a bit of a sad realization yesterday at work and ended up crying and leaving early (Can you say PMS and lack of comfort food??).  I realized that because this is a fertility diet I am secretly hoping that it helps us get pregnant on our own, but when I think about it logically, I know it probably won't.  That is not the point of the diet.  The point is to be as healthy as I can so that when we are ready to start treatments they will have a better chance of working.  So I'm struggling right now because we don't have any immediate plans to start treatments.  It all feels kind of pointless.  

But, after talking to a really good friend and my wonderful husband, I think I have a better grasp on it all today.  I need to keep my end goal in mind.  What is it that I really want?  Do I want to be able to eat and drink anything I want, or do I want a healthy body able to carry a baby someday?  I also realized that the only person I am doing this for is myself.  If I want to have a glass of wine with dinner or an extra portion of grains, then I can, but it needs to be in moderation and I need to be a little less crazy about it.  Basically, I need to chill out and relax and maybe cheat with a piece of chocolate!!

Stay tuned
~Tonya

I Miss Wine!

Hello!

Day 11 of my cleanse.  It's getting much easier and I feel pretty good.  No more horrible heart burn and acid reflux, and no more bloated stomach.  I am still struggling with my energy level, but I'm starting to think a lot of that is due to sitting all day staring a computer.  It just gets boring and I get tired.

I met with the nutritionist and my naturopath on Tuesday.  After the cleanse is over I can start adding foods back into my diet.  Yay!!  I've been thinking about what I miss most and I'm still not totally sure.  The nutritionist suggested that I start with any food that I think I might have an intolerance to, so I'm starting with dairy.  I really really hope that I don't have a food intolerance, but I'm almost positive that I do.  Based on how I was feeling and how I'm feeling now, it would make sense that something I eat makes me feel like crap.  We'll see.

I go back next Thursday and at that meeting I will be given my new fertility eating plan.  That is the main point of all of this.  I'm there because I can't have a baby.  Getting healthy and taking care of myself is all part of hopefully making that dream a reality.  It sounds like the plan will be very similar to what I'm eating now.  I know there are some fertility super foods out there, so I'm sure those will be added as well.  I do know that there are two things that she absolutely wants me to stay away from.  Those two things are coffee and alcohol.

I was very upset on Tuesday after I met with her.  There are still feelings of anger every now and then.  Frankly, it pisses me off that I have to be on such a diet.  That I can't drink my coffee every morning.  That I can't have a glass of wine with dinner.  I don't think that a cup of my half caffeinated coffee every morning is going to affect my fertility that much.  I don't think that a glass of wine with dinner a few nights is going to be catastrophic.  It sucks because when I'm in that angry place I think of all the women who get pregnant when they are drinking!  I think of that advice that I hear, "Oh just go on vacation, relax, drink a little too much. It will happen."  Yeah right!  I think of the pregnant women who can even drink a certain amount of coffee.  It makes me mad that I'm not pregnant and I still can't have these things.  Dealing with infertility is so hard and then being told you have to make all these drastic changes makes it harder.  But, I'm not spending all this time and money to not do what they say.  I want to be healthy.  I want my body to function at it's best.  I want to feel good, not crappy.  If cutting these things out helps that, than that's what I'll do.

I feel like I've turned a corner with all of this stuff, like I'm finally on the right track.  I still have no idea what will happen next, but I am determined to do what I can to be healthy.

I could go on and on, but this post is a little long and probably a little boring.

Stay tuned!
~Tonya

I'm Getting Healthy!

Hi Everyone!!

Today is day 4 of a seriously restrictive diet and cleanse.  It hasn't been too bad, but for some reason when someone tells you that you are not allowed to eat everything you usually eat, it really makes you want to eat those foods even more.  Let me backtrack a little to explain how I ended up in this situation.

After the donor backed out and then we decided to put the donor IVF on hold for a while, I started feeling like I wanted to see someone else.  I wouldn't say I necessarily wanted a second opinion, more that I wanted a doctor who would look at my whole body, not just one little part of it.  So, I found a naturopathic doctor who specializes in fertility issues.  She also does acupuncture and practices Chinese medicine.  My first appointment with her was in April and it was the best doctor's appointment I have ever had.  She sat in her office talking to me for almost 2 hours!  She took notes, asked questions, and went over all of my medical history with me.  She made me feel like my case isn't as bad as I think it is.  My reasons for going to her were not to fix my infertility issues, but more to get myself healthy.  I started to realize that I was headed in the opposite direction of where I need to be if I want to be pregnant someday.  I was drinking too much, eating more and more unhealthy, gaining weight and just generally didn't feel good.

She had me do a food diary for a week.  The next couple of weeks that I saw her, we didn't really talk about it.  She did acupuncture, put me on some Chinese herbs, and prescribed massage.  It was wonderful, but I knew that the day would come that we would have to address the eating.  Well that day came last week when I met with the nutritionist in their office.  I pretty much wanted to cry when she was giving me the list of food I was not allowed to eat, because it pretty much included everything that I ate! For 14 days I am on a gluten free, dairy free, egg free, soy free, corn free, coffee free, alcohol free, sugar free, basically everything free diet.  I can eat all the veggies I want, all the fruit I want (minus oranges for some strange reason), chicken, fish or turkey, brown rice products and potatoes.  Thankfully I am on no portion restrictions.  With all the healthy eating, I also have to take this absolutely disgusting protein powder stuff twice a day.  The powder is the actual cleanse and it kind of reminds me of baby formula powder.  It's gross.

BTW, after 3 days of not eating any of the above mentioned foods, I've actually gained a pound! Ugh! I was really hoping that a huge benefit of this would be to lose weight. Maybe I need to give it a little more time...


Only 10 more days to go! I think I can, I think I can!

Stay tuned.

~Tonya

Writing a blog is hard!

Hi Everyone!

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I started this blog. It's been a year of writing and I'm doing a bit of reflection.

I've already said that I deal with things by talking about them.  It's why I joined a support group and why I now lead it.  It's why I tell people about what we are going through.  It's why I raise money and give speeches.  The more I learn about infertility, the more fired up I become.  There are millions of people who go through similar situations and it breaks my heart that so many of them stay silent.  But, I can also understand why they do.  Talking about your struggles is a very hard thing to do.

I had a few goals for this blog when I started writing it.  The first was to educate and bring awareness to infertility.  I wanted to give people, who don't deal with infertility, a little insight into what it's like to live each day with infertility.  The second goal was to let the people, who are struggling with this disease, know that they are not alone.  I wanted to be the voice that tell them it's OK to feel sad or depressed or completely indifferent or even happy at times.  It's all part of the process.  Lastly, the goal was to help myself deal with all of it.  Writing this blog has been extremely therapeutic for me.  Once I write it and get it out, I'm pretty much over it.  I move on.  I'm not the type to wallow in self pity.  The thing that I'm not sure people understand though, is that every single month is a roller coaster.  Every month there is that little sliver of hope that maybe a miracle happened, maybe I'm pregnant.  And then every month when that period starts it's a painful (literally) reminder that it didn't happen.  I want you all to really think about living like that.  Suddenly a period goes from annoying to a crushing realization that your body failed yet again.  Any woman who has tried to get pregnant and it's taken longer than a couple of months can sort of understand what I'm saying.  It's been 3 years of that for me and it's not always easy, which is why I write about it.

But the more I write, the more I realize how hard it is to write a blog about something so personal.  I'd be lying if I said that writing this blog has always been wonderful, because it has also added some stress to my life.  Almost every post I write, I worry about offending people.  I care about how my words affect others.  I don't want to upset them or hurt anyone's feelings.  I feel like there is this line that I'm constantly worried about crossing.  And frankly, I know I've crossed it a few times and I've hurt people's feelings or upset them.  I don't like this, but I am starting to realize that it's absolutely impossible to write something that everyone agrees with.  That's the beauty of the country we live in.  We have the freedom to think and feel differently.  We have the freedom to voice those opinions.  It's doesn't mean that I've stop caring about what people think, because I'm not sure that will ever happen, but I'm more aware that it's not possible to please everyone.  I can't control how people react when they read my blog.

There's so much more I could write about in this blog, but I'm very unsure of how to do it.  Obviously, our diagnosis has affected pretty much everyone we know in some way or another.  So how much do I actually write about?  How much can I share without hurting people's feelings?  I don't really know.  And that, my friends, is the line I'm talking about.  Most of the time I don't want to cross it because I want to play it safe, but then other times I really really do.  It's an interesting predicament to be in, but I kind of like it.

The positives of this blog far outweigh any negatives, so I will continue to write!


Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Good Eggs

Hi Everyone!

I went a little crazy taking pictures of the bird family that made it's home on top of our heater in the backyard. They are soooo cute and they grow so fast. Enjoy the pictures. At least someone around here has some good eggs! Ha.

The nest on top of the heater 

One egg in there so far

Thought I was going to be getting a picture of more eggs, instead I got a picture of newly hatched baby birds.

A few days later. Already getting so big!

Look at all those cute little heads!

That fat one over there must have got kicked out of the nest. Ha

 Momma bird feeding her babies. So cool to watch!

 Just hanging out. 

 Getting ready to leave the nest. Those are the last two babies. The rest of them already flew away. 

Taking off!

Is it weird that I got so attached to these birds? I'm kind of sad that they are gone. 

~Tonya

Left Behind

I'm in a rut.  I've said it before and I'm saying it again.  I am totally in a rut.  I don't know what to do to get out of it, but something needs to change.  I feel stuck.  I feel like I'm standing still and everyone and everything around me is moving at full speed ahead.  They are leaving me behind.  I beg them to wait for me, but they don't, they keep going.  I just can't catch up, no matter how hard I try.  So I give up.  What's the point? 

It's so weird, I really thought at 30 my life would look very different than it does now.  There are so many days that are just a blur of the same thing over and over again and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.  This is not how my life was supposed to be.  I am extremely blessed.  I love my husband, I love my family and friends, I love my dogs, but something is missing.  I know what's missing, we all do.  But I feel like something else is missing too. What do you do if you don't have kids?  What do you do to fill the time?  I need a hobby.  I need something to do that isn't just sitting on the couch watching TV.  But I don't have the energy or desire to do anything.  It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of.  It's the day to day life that's hard.  Time moves so quickly.  I never understood that when I was little, but I get it now. 

I'm in a rut and something needs to change.

~Tonya