Infertility Take Two

Today we dropped off almost of all of Olivia's baby stuff at the fair grounds for a huge consignment sale that's happening this weekend. I've spent the last week and a half going through all her clothes and tagging them for this sale. It's been a weird, emotional week. In my head I know they are just material things and in the grand scheme of life, not important. But you guys, I'm really sad about it. And it's taken me until this very moment to really understand why. Obviously, it's super bittersweet looking through all the baby stuff and always makes me a little emotional. She's growing so stinking fast!! It's unreal. But, the real pain is the realization that by getting rid of all her baby things, I'm basically giving up the dream of having a second baby. That's a very hard pill to swallow. I saved those clothes just in case we had a second baby. Her infant car seat sat in the garage, because it can be used if we have a second baby. The bassinet, the jumperoo, the rock 'n play, you name it, we saved it. We kept it all...just in case. But here's the thing, I don't think we're going to have a second baby and that kind of breaks my heart a little bit. Olivia would be the best big sister. She's so kind and sweet and the thought of not being able to give her a sibling makes me feel awful. I dread the day when she starts asking for a baby brother or sister. I mean, most of her friends have baby siblings, why wouldn't she wonder where hers is?

Infertility the second time around has been different. I figured it would be, but you never really understand until you experience it. The pain is different. It's sporadic. I don't have the same amount of thought to give to it. I'm busy. I work. I have a toddler. Some days the thought of adding another baby feels exhausting. But what I've realized is that just because my brain isn't consciously obsessing about getting pregnant, that doesn't mean it's not there, under the surface. This is different than the first time. The pain is still there. The heartache is still there. The roller coaster ride that is infertility is still there. I just can't give it the time it deserves, because I don't have the time to give. So it festers and builds and I find that while I was so open, honest and in tune with myself the first time around, I'm really not now. I don't like it because I feel like I'm unable to put my feelings into words. I just can't quite figure myself out right now. It's unsettling.

We made the decision a long time ago that we will not do any kind of treatments again. They didn't work. They are expensive and so stressful. My body was already at a big disadvantage and the recent years haven't helped. Lately my cycle has gotten so messed up that I'm currently taking birth control to try to regulate it. Talk about the exact opposite of what we are wanting! It's only 2 months and I'm hopeful it will be enough, but who knows? What I do know is that combining birth control, with getting rid of all of the baby stuff is making me incredibly emotional and I thought it was a good time to finally sit down and share it all.

I know this post is a little all over the place, but welcome to my mind right now.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.

~Tonya