Hi Everyone!
I would like to tell to you all about a situation that happened this previous weekend.
I mentioned before that Ryan and I work for a travel agency. Well, because January was such a good month for the sales teams, Ryan and some of the other supervisors were given a free night's stay at a local casino. We were excited to have a reason to go out and get dressed up. We were also excited to just hang out with some work friends.
One of our co-workers, who I don't know very well, brought his girlfriend. When I first saw her she was sitting down. A little bit later she walked by me and I saw that she was obviously pregnant. My reaction to that was, "Oh man, she's pregnant!" I feel like I should probably explain what kind of sounds like a rude reaction. I have probably said it before, but I really really want to experience pregnancy. Seeing pregnant women is often harder for me than seeing babies. When I see a pregnant woman it is actually painful. It's hard to explain the physical reaction my body has, but it's an aching, empty feeling. It usually goes away just as quickly as it came, but that's almost always my first reaction.
After we said hi to everyone, Ryan and I went to walk around. He played blackjack and I watched. We were having a nice evening and I totally forgot about pregnant girl (that's what I'm going to call her). Later in the evening we came across her and another girl, who we work with, playing some slot machines. When we walked up, I immediately noticed that pregnant girl was drinking a glass of red wine and eating a bag of Doritos. I was kind of shocked at first, but then I just figured that one glass of red wine was probably okay and it's not really my place to judge. I just tried to ignore her altogether. We walked away again to talk to other people. The next time that we walked past pregnant girl, I noticed that she not only had a glass of wine, but she was now smoking!
At that point was when I completely lost it! Thank goodness we were walking away from her and I just saw it in passing because I'm not sure what I would have said. As it was, when I saw that I said to Ryan, "Are you F*cking kidding me, she's f*cking smoking!" I really really try not to curse, but it was such an uncontrollable response. I was absolutely furious! I then proceeded to burst into tears and tell Ryan I was ready to go back to the room. I was totally done hanging out for the night.
Now I've talked to other people who think it's completely wrong and disturbing, not to mention, harmful for a pregnant woman to be smoking and drinking. My reaction was that times like a million. I try not to play the why me card, because really, why not me? I'm no more special than any other person dealing with any other issue. But when I saw that, all I could think was why does she get to be pregnant? Why does she get to have a baby growing inside her and I can't? I was very very upset, we both were.
So what have we learned here? We've learned that smoking and drinking while pregnant is bad. Oh yeah, and it also makes an infertile woman lose her mind!
~Tonya
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Arizona Walk of Hope
Hi Everyone!
I've wanted to write this post for awhile now, but being sick and then vacation kind of got in the way.
I want to talk a little bit about the Walk of Hope. Some of you know that last year I participated in a contest that RESOLVE was putting on and I won a trip to Atlanta to walk in their Walk of Hope. I was also asked to give a speech while in Atlanta, which was a huge honor. At that time we hadn't known about our diagnosis for that long and I was just so relieved to find RESOLVE and know that other people were dealing with the same things that we were. Being diagnosed with infertility can be an extremely isolating diagnosis. Unlike other diseases, people are very hesitant to talk about their inability to have a child. Did you know that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples? That's about 7.3 million people in the U.S. alone. Look around, that's someone you know. That's more than just me. But some days, it feels like we are the only ones. I look around and see all of these people I know announcing pregnancies or having babies and it is hard. On one hand, I'm so happy for these people. I've always loved babies and been super excited when I hear that someone is having one. On the other hand, I am horribly, painfully jealous and sometimes even angry. I don't like these feelings at all, but it's such a part of my situation right now.
It's really hit me this week that we are going to be passed up. More and more of our friends and family members are going to be starting families. The feelings of isolation are only going to get worse. Once you have a baby, everything changes. Your whole world shifts and your focus is on the little human being you brought into the world. You see things through different eyes. I want that! I'm not sure when we will actually get that. And watching more and more people we know get that can be extremely difficult. Most of you don't know, but I lead a monthly infertility support group through RESOLVE. I found the support group last year and after going a few of times I volunteered to lead it when the previous leader decided to step down. Obviously it helps so much to be able to get together with people who share my feelings, can relate and sympathize.
Ok, I went on a little tangent there, apparently I needed to get that all out. Oh the roller-coaster of emotions that is infertility! So, you can see how important RESOLVE has been in my life. To have an organization whose sole purpose is to be a resource for those diagnosed with infertility is amazing. They raise money and awareness. They work on educating the politicians and government so that laws will be changed and infertility will be recognized as a disease that needs to be covered by insurance. My dream is to someday work for RESOLVE.
Now, about the Arizona Walk of Hope. RESOLVE and the volunteers here in Arizona are putting on the Walk of Hope on March 24th at Eldorado Park in Scottsdale. Registration begins at 8am and the Walk starts at 9am. All activities will be completed by 11am. This year it is free to participate in the walk. Like last year, I am trying to raise money for RESOLVE. I have set up a page and am asking all my friends and family and anyone who can to donate money to this very worthy organization. I was also asked by RESOLVE this year to make a short video about why I walk. A clip of the video is posted on the Arizona Walk of Hope home page. I will also add a link to the full video on here.
I don't usually like to ask people for money, but for this I am going to. If you can donate anything at all I would really really appreciate it. This money will go to RESOLVE to help them keep doing what they are doing.
To donate, go here and click on "Support Tonya"
http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2012/WalkofHope?px=1990337&pg=personal&fr_id=1080
To watch my youtube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
And if anyone wants to come out to Eldorado Park on March 24th to walk with us, I would love to have you there!
Thanks,
Tonya
I've wanted to write this post for awhile now, but being sick and then vacation kind of got in the way.
I want to talk a little bit about the Walk of Hope. Some of you know that last year I participated in a contest that RESOLVE was putting on and I won a trip to Atlanta to walk in their Walk of Hope. I was also asked to give a speech while in Atlanta, which was a huge honor. At that time we hadn't known about our diagnosis for that long and I was just so relieved to find RESOLVE and know that other people were dealing with the same things that we were. Being diagnosed with infertility can be an extremely isolating diagnosis. Unlike other diseases, people are very hesitant to talk about their inability to have a child. Did you know that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples? That's about 7.3 million people in the U.S. alone. Look around, that's someone you know. That's more than just me. But some days, it feels like we are the only ones. I look around and see all of these people I know announcing pregnancies or having babies and it is hard. On one hand, I'm so happy for these people. I've always loved babies and been super excited when I hear that someone is having one. On the other hand, I am horribly, painfully jealous and sometimes even angry. I don't like these feelings at all, but it's such a part of my situation right now.
It's really hit me this week that we are going to be passed up. More and more of our friends and family members are going to be starting families. The feelings of isolation are only going to get worse. Once you have a baby, everything changes. Your whole world shifts and your focus is on the little human being you brought into the world. You see things through different eyes. I want that! I'm not sure when we will actually get that. And watching more and more people we know get that can be extremely difficult. Most of you don't know, but I lead a monthly infertility support group through RESOLVE. I found the support group last year and after going a few of times I volunteered to lead it when the previous leader decided to step down. Obviously it helps so much to be able to get together with people who share my feelings, can relate and sympathize.
Ok, I went on a little tangent there, apparently I needed to get that all out. Oh the roller-coaster of emotions that is infertility! So, you can see how important RESOLVE has been in my life. To have an organization whose sole purpose is to be a resource for those diagnosed with infertility is amazing. They raise money and awareness. They work on educating the politicians and government so that laws will be changed and infertility will be recognized as a disease that needs to be covered by insurance. My dream is to someday work for RESOLVE.
Now, about the Arizona Walk of Hope. RESOLVE and the volunteers here in Arizona are putting on the Walk of Hope on March 24th at Eldorado Park in Scottsdale. Registration begins at 8am and the Walk starts at 9am. All activities will be completed by 11am. This year it is free to participate in the walk. Like last year, I am trying to raise money for RESOLVE. I have set up a page and am asking all my friends and family and anyone who can to donate money to this very worthy organization. I was also asked by RESOLVE this year to make a short video about why I walk. A clip of the video is posted on the Arizona Walk of Hope home page. I will also add a link to the full video on here.
I don't usually like to ask people for money, but for this I am going to. If you can donate anything at all I would really really appreciate it. This money will go to RESOLVE to help them keep doing what they are doing.
To donate, go here and click on "Support Tonya"
http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/TR/WalkofHope2012/WalkofHope?px=1990337&pg=personal&fr_id=1080
To watch my youtube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
And if anyone wants to come out to Eldorado Park on March 24th to walk with us, I would love to have you there!
Thanks,
Tonya
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I'm back and I'm 30!
Hi Everyone!
Sorry for the delay in this post. I was going to write last week, but my computer became infected with a ton of viruses after we got home from the cruise, and I just got it back Sunday night. Thank goodness for my brother who knows how to fix computers!
Let's talk a bit about my 30th birthday cruise. It was wonderful! We went to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. I honestly think that it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. We had so much fun! Our group was amazing. I was really able to relax and just enjoy myself. I didn't want to come back home. I think for many people, it can be hard to come back to reality after an awesome vacation. Well for me, it was really hard. Last Monday and Tuesday I was kind of depressed. I wanted to be back on the ship, not thinking about all the hard stuff, just enjoying my family and friends. I'm feeling much better now, but last week was tough.
So, on to the hard stuff. I finally talked to the lady who runs the donor agency about our donor backing out. She told me what she said in the email, that they absolutely do not negotiate with the donors. They tried to reason with her, but ultimately she chose to go with an agency that would pay her more money. She is sending us a new updated list of all the donors. I will look through them, but I think Ryan and I have decided to wait a little longer to do the IVF. We just feel like the timing is not good right now. I'm not totally sure when we will start the process again, but for right now we are waiting. It does scare me some because I think that we will always be able to say the timing isn't good. Life happens and it's messy. If everyone waited until they were really ready to have kids, there probably wouldn't be very many people in the world. It's just so different with IVF. I'm going to admit that I am absolutely terrified to do IVF. I think a lot of people hear IVF and just assume that it will work and the person will end up with more than one baby, but the truth is, that on average, it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant. I'm scared it will fail. I'm scared that I will be too stressed and my body will not respond. I'm scared because we have to rely on a third person's body to respond to the drugs. We have to rely on a third person to follow through and not back out for more money. You can see why it's very easy to want to put it off. Why would any sane person want to do something that they know will cause them so much stress? I know I was so excited when we found the donor, but once it got closer and I had to start making appointments, I was a nervous wreck! Unless you have gone through the treatments, it's impossible to understand the emotional and physical stress. I don't even fully understand. I just know that it is going to be very hard, so we are waiting a little while longer.
Now you know why I didn't want to come back home after an awesome week of not worrying about any of this. But, that's not the way life works. I'm so thankful that I was able to go on such a wonderful vacation! We really did have the best time. Now, I will just take it day by day and we'll see what happens next!
I will leave you all with some pictures from the cruise. We took so many it was hard to decide which ones to share. Enjoy!
Sorry for the delay in this post. I was going to write last week, but my computer became infected with a ton of viruses after we got home from the cruise, and I just got it back Sunday night. Thank goodness for my brother who knows how to fix computers!
Let's talk a bit about my 30th birthday cruise. It was wonderful! We went to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. I honestly think that it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. We had so much fun! Our group was amazing. I was really able to relax and just enjoy myself. I didn't want to come back home. I think for many people, it can be hard to come back to reality after an awesome vacation. Well for me, it was really hard. Last Monday and Tuesday I was kind of depressed. I wanted to be back on the ship, not thinking about all the hard stuff, just enjoying my family and friends. I'm feeling much better now, but last week was tough.
So, on to the hard stuff. I finally talked to the lady who runs the donor agency about our donor backing out. She told me what she said in the email, that they absolutely do not negotiate with the donors. They tried to reason with her, but ultimately she chose to go with an agency that would pay her more money. She is sending us a new updated list of all the donors. I will look through them, but I think Ryan and I have decided to wait a little longer to do the IVF. We just feel like the timing is not good right now. I'm not totally sure when we will start the process again, but for right now we are waiting. It does scare me some because I think that we will always be able to say the timing isn't good. Life happens and it's messy. If everyone waited until they were really ready to have kids, there probably wouldn't be very many people in the world. It's just so different with IVF. I'm going to admit that I am absolutely terrified to do IVF. I think a lot of people hear IVF and just assume that it will work and the person will end up with more than one baby, but the truth is, that on average, it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant. I'm scared it will fail. I'm scared that I will be too stressed and my body will not respond. I'm scared because we have to rely on a third person's body to respond to the drugs. We have to rely on a third person to follow through and not back out for more money. You can see why it's very easy to want to put it off. Why would any sane person want to do something that they know will cause them so much stress? I know I was so excited when we found the donor, but once it got closer and I had to start making appointments, I was a nervous wreck! Unless you have gone through the treatments, it's impossible to understand the emotional and physical stress. I don't even fully understand. I just know that it is going to be very hard, so we are waiting a little while longer.
Now you know why I didn't want to come back home after an awesome week of not worrying about any of this. But, that's not the way life works. I'm so thankful that I was able to go on such a wonderful vacation! We really did have the best time. Now, I will just take it day by day and we'll see what happens next!
I will leave you all with some pictures from the cruise. We took so many it was hard to decide which ones to share. Enjoy!
Just relaxing
On the balcony
First formal night
Beautiful Ship!
San Juan
San Juan
My 30th Birthday blue diamond ring!!!
Magen's Bay St. Thomas. The beach we got married on almost 5 years ago!
Birthday dinner
They decorated our room for my birthday!
Hanging out
St. Maarten
St. Maarten
Second formal night
Lobster night!!
Dinner
Hanging out some more
We're number 1!
Kisses!
Being silly in the library
Thursday, January 12, 2012
A Change of Plans
Hi,
Well some of you might know that we had to change our plans for this week. We were supposed to fly to Dallas on Wednesday night for our appointments on Thursday. Well on Monday I started feeling kind of sick. By Tuesday evening I had a fever of 103, a horrible cough, snotty nose, plugged up ears, and a very sore throat. It was pretty obvious that I was not going to be well enough to work a full day on Wednesday and then fly, so we decided that we would cancel our appointments. I woke up Wednesday with a fever of 101 and felt like my head was going to explode. I called the clinic and cancelled our appointments. I was disappointed, but I felt so sick that I just didn't care. The thought of flying was not a pleasant one. Making the decision not to go turned out to be a very good idea. For those of you wondering, I woke up with a fever of 101 again today and made an appointment with my doctor. It turns out I probably have an upper respiratory infection and a sinus infection, maybe even bronchitis. I've been given all sorts of medications to take. Hopefully they'll work and I'll feel better by next Friday when we fly to Florida for our cruise.. At this point the cruise is the most important thing. I've been planning this for a year so I need to be better!
You all might be thinking, "Oh man, I'm so sorry, that really sucks you had to cancel." Well let me just tell you that me being sick was not the only thing that happened this week. Yesterday, while I was sitting in bed trying to rest, my phone buzzed. I picked it up and saw that I had an email from the donor agency. Instead of telling you what the email said, I'll let you all read it:
Tonya-
I wanted to talk to you in person but don't have your phone number with me at home.
I know you are supposed to go to the clinic this week.
The donor is not cooperating and has asked for more $$$
We don't allow any donor to negotiate compensation so she has decided to go with another agency that will compensate her $8000 in Chicago.
We tried to reason with her, etc. but to no avail. This is horrible news and we are just devastated. I felt it was best to just tell you exactly what happened and I told Tomisina at the clinic also. I would have preferred to tell you in person via phone.
You know what I did after I read that email?? I laughed. Probably not the reaction you would expect, maybe it was the fever messing with my brain, but I laughed. I sat there and thought to myself that this email was kind of ironic. While lying in bed on Tuesday, burning up with a fever, I asked Ryan if he thought me being sick was a sign, that maybe we shouldn't be going. When that email came through I decided that it was a very good thing that we didn't go.
I did eventually cry a little, but not as much as you would expect. I think I'm still just too sick to worry about it. I do know that this means we have to start all over again and I just don't want to think about it. I'll take denial for another couple of weeks. I need this cruise more than anything now. I need to go have fun, relax, rest, and enjoy my family and friends.
I want you all to know that both Ryan and I are doing ok. In my last blog I talked about how great 2012 is going to be. Even though it hasn't had the kind of start I hoped it would, I still think it's going to be great. I believe God has a plan. This will all work out the way it is supposed to. We are just starting our journey.
Stay tuned
~Tonya
Well some of you might know that we had to change our plans for this week. We were supposed to fly to Dallas on Wednesday night for our appointments on Thursday. Well on Monday I started feeling kind of sick. By Tuesday evening I had a fever of 103, a horrible cough, snotty nose, plugged up ears, and a very sore throat. It was pretty obvious that I was not going to be well enough to work a full day on Wednesday and then fly, so we decided that we would cancel our appointments. I woke up Wednesday with a fever of 101 and felt like my head was going to explode. I called the clinic and cancelled our appointments. I was disappointed, but I felt so sick that I just didn't care. The thought of flying was not a pleasant one. Making the decision not to go turned out to be a very good idea. For those of you wondering, I woke up with a fever of 101 again today and made an appointment with my doctor. It turns out I probably have an upper respiratory infection and a sinus infection, maybe even bronchitis. I've been given all sorts of medications to take. Hopefully they'll work and I'll feel better by next Friday when we fly to Florida for our cruise.. At this point the cruise is the most important thing. I've been planning this for a year so I need to be better!
You all might be thinking, "Oh man, I'm so sorry, that really sucks you had to cancel." Well let me just tell you that me being sick was not the only thing that happened this week. Yesterday, while I was sitting in bed trying to rest, my phone buzzed. I picked it up and saw that I had an email from the donor agency. Instead of telling you what the email said, I'll let you all read it:
Tonya-
I wanted to talk to you in person but don't have your phone number with me at home.
I know you are supposed to go to the clinic this week.
The donor is not cooperating and has asked for more $$$
We don't allow any donor to negotiate compensation so she has decided to go with another agency that will compensate her $8000 in Chicago.
We tried to reason with her, etc. but to no avail. This is horrible news and we are just devastated. I felt it was best to just tell you exactly what happened and I told Tomisina at the clinic also. I would have preferred to tell you in person via phone.
You know what I did after I read that email?? I laughed. Probably not the reaction you would expect, maybe it was the fever messing with my brain, but I laughed. I sat there and thought to myself that this email was kind of ironic. While lying in bed on Tuesday, burning up with a fever, I asked Ryan if he thought me being sick was a sign, that maybe we shouldn't be going. When that email came through I decided that it was a very good thing that we didn't go.
I did eventually cry a little, but not as much as you would expect. I think I'm still just too sick to worry about it. I do know that this means we have to start all over again and I just don't want to think about it. I'll take denial for another couple of weeks. I need this cruise more than anything now. I need to go have fun, relax, rest, and enjoy my family and friends.
I want you all to know that both Ryan and I are doing ok. In my last blog I talked about how great 2012 is going to be. Even though it hasn't had the kind of start I hoped it would, I still think it's going to be great. I believe God has a plan. This will all work out the way it is supposed to. We are just starting our journey.
Stay tuned
~Tonya
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A New Year
Hi Everyone! Happy New Year!
2012! I think this is going to be a good year. It just sounds like a good number, well at least it does to me.
For those of you wondering about the news thing, here's the update. They haven't forgotten about me, but it's local news. I've been in contact with the reporter and she is still interested in doing a story on us, it's just hard because other stories come up that need to be reported. Hopefully it will work out soon.
Now, on to the fun stuff! January is going to be a busy month. We have our first appointment with the clinic that we chose in Dallas on the 12th. I have to go in because the Dr. needs to get a "feel for my uterus". I'm not totally sure what that means, but it sounds like a blast, don't ya think? I know you're all jealous. Flying to another state to get naked from the waist down and into stirrups is definitely my definition of fun! Ha. Oh the joys of infertility. Anyway, I'm assuming that after that appointment we will have a better idea of the schedule of things to come. We plan on starting our first cycle of IVF in February, as long as the timing all works out. I'll give you all more information on that after my appointment next week.
The next exciting thing in January is the cruise and my 30th Birthday! Now this I am super excited for! I've been planning this cruise for a long time, so I'm thrilled that it's almost here. A week of relaxing on a beautiful ship and on the beach in the Caribbean is just what I need to prepare my body for what's to come. I hope to come back relaxed and refreshed, ready to start the baby making process.
Here's to a great 2012! Stay tuned!
~Tonya
2012! I think this is going to be a good year. It just sounds like a good number, well at least it does to me.
For those of you wondering about the news thing, here's the update. They haven't forgotten about me, but it's local news. I've been in contact with the reporter and she is still interested in doing a story on us, it's just hard because other stories come up that need to be reported. Hopefully it will work out soon.
Now, on to the fun stuff! January is going to be a busy month. We have our first appointment with the clinic that we chose in Dallas on the 12th. I have to go in because the Dr. needs to get a "feel for my uterus". I'm not totally sure what that means, but it sounds like a blast, don't ya think? I know you're all jealous. Flying to another state to get naked from the waist down and into stirrups is definitely my definition of fun! Ha. Oh the joys of infertility. Anyway, I'm assuming that after that appointment we will have a better idea of the schedule of things to come. We plan on starting our first cycle of IVF in February, as long as the timing all works out. I'll give you all more information on that after my appointment next week.
The next exciting thing in January is the cruise and my 30th Birthday! Now this I am super excited for! I've been planning this cruise for a long time, so I'm thrilled that it's almost here. A week of relaxing on a beautiful ship and on the beach in the Caribbean is just what I need to prepare my body for what's to come. I hope to come back relaxed and refreshed, ready to start the baby making process.
Here's to a great 2012! Stay tuned!
~Tonya
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Awesome News!
Hi Everyone!!
So guess what?!? I've been contacted by a local news station about telling our story on the news!! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this opportunity! I'm not totally sure if it will happen yet, but the fact that someone read my blog and was touched enough by our story to want to pass it on, makes me feel so good! I'll keep you all posted!
I am also excited to say that I have only one week left of school! While I know that may not be exciting to all of you, I am overjoyed! I am so ready to start writing more blog posts and start volunteering more. Oh yeah, and start working on having a baby of our own!
Exciting stuff is happening! Stay tuned!
~Tonya
So guess what?!? I've been contacted by a local news station about telling our story on the news!! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this opportunity! I'm not totally sure if it will happen yet, but the fact that someone read my blog and was touched enough by our story to want to pass it on, makes me feel so good! I'll keep you all posted!
I am also excited to say that I have only one week left of school! While I know that may not be exciting to all of you, I am overjoyed! I am so ready to start writing more blog posts and start volunteering more. Oh yeah, and start working on having a baby of our own!
Exciting stuff is happening! Stay tuned!
~Tonya
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Can I get a little Motivation Please?
Hi All!
Again I apologize for the delay in posts. Maybe this blog will help explain why it's been so long.
I've realized that dealing with infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions. People use that term often, but until you've actually been on the "ride", I find it's hard to understand. I've been seriously struggling with motivation lately. I find that I have no desire to do anything, which is very frustrating when I have so much I need to be doing. If you could see the inside of our house, you would see what I mean by lack of motivation. I love you all, but I will not be inviting you over any time soon! Our house is an absolute disaster. It's ridiculous. I keep thinking to myself that I might feel better if I just cleaned some stuff up. Maybe unpack my bag that's been sitting in the living room since we got home from Sedona on Sunday or do some laundry. We bought a mail sorter thingy so we wouldn't have mail cluttering our counter, and where do you think the mail is? Yep, you guessed it, on the counter! It's like we try to do something and then we lose motivation and just let it all slide.
This motivation problem is not limited to cleaning. I've also been struggling with motivation at work, school, and with this blog. I have all of this stuff that I need to be doing, and I just don't want to do any of it. It's like it gets so overwhelming that I just completely shut down and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I just started my last two classes. In 7 weeks I will be done with school, but before I can be done, I have 13 papers, 2 presentations and 4 quizzes to do. You can see why I might be a little overwhelmed with school! The thing is I know I can do it, I will do it. It's just really hard to do things when the motivation to do them is not there. I find the end result ends up being a little lacking.
The last big thing, and maybe the reason for this current slide into no motivation land, is our donor IVF process. I finally called the donor agency to see if the donor that we had selected is still available. She is and if we want to use her, we will need to put $2000 down to hold her until we are ready to start in February. I also got a list of clinics in Texas that this agency has worked with. I need to call them all. I need to do research to find out how much it will all cost and the success rates of each. I need to compare them all. I'm thinking maybe I need to do a spreadsheet of some sort to keep it all straight. This part stresses me out so much. I don't know what to ask, where to start. I hate making phone calls and not knowing the right questions to ask. Now to be fair, all the people I have talked to so far at clinics have been so wonderful. They are used to talking to emotional people who don't know what to ask, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable for me. I know I need to do it, that this is what we want, but there is that motivation problem again. I don't want to do it. I'm procrastinating.
It hit me that I am probably slightly depressed. It's not uncommon for infertile people to jump back and forth between the stages of grief. This is all part of our infertility journey. But does that make it ok? Well I'm not totally sure and let me explain that. I'm very big on feeling what you are feeling while you are feeling it. Wow that's a lot of feelings! What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very important to not suppress your emotions. I truly think I have been able to deal with all of this because I'm a very transparent person. People know how I feel. But how long should I allow myself to feel a certain way before I try to move past it. I'm not saying that I should just get over things. There is no getting over infertility, but I also don't want to live my life the way I currently am. I don't like not having motivation. I don't like feeling like this. And since I now have a self-awareness of what is actually going on, I feel like it is my responsibility to do something about it. It's my life and if I don't like it, I'm the only one who can take steps to make it better. I don't like the idea of using our infertility as an excuse to linger in this current state. Is it ok that I'm feeling this way? Absolutely! But now it's time for the next stage.
So what's a non-motivated, slightly depressed girl with a to-do list as long as her arm to do? I have some ideas. But since I think this post is getting a little long, I'll have to tell you in a later post how it all works out. I have no doubt I'll be back to my old slightly more motivated self very soon! God willing...
Stay tuned!
~Tonya
Again I apologize for the delay in posts. Maybe this blog will help explain why it's been so long.
I've realized that dealing with infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions. People use that term often, but until you've actually been on the "ride", I find it's hard to understand. I've been seriously struggling with motivation lately. I find that I have no desire to do anything, which is very frustrating when I have so much I need to be doing. If you could see the inside of our house, you would see what I mean by lack of motivation. I love you all, but I will not be inviting you over any time soon! Our house is an absolute disaster. It's ridiculous. I keep thinking to myself that I might feel better if I just cleaned some stuff up. Maybe unpack my bag that's been sitting in the living room since we got home from Sedona on Sunday or do some laundry. We bought a mail sorter thingy so we wouldn't have mail cluttering our counter, and where do you think the mail is? Yep, you guessed it, on the counter! It's like we try to do something and then we lose motivation and just let it all slide.
This motivation problem is not limited to cleaning. I've also been struggling with motivation at work, school, and with this blog. I have all of this stuff that I need to be doing, and I just don't want to do any of it. It's like it gets so overwhelming that I just completely shut down and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. I just started my last two classes. In 7 weeks I will be done with school, but before I can be done, I have 13 papers, 2 presentations and 4 quizzes to do. You can see why I might be a little overwhelmed with school! The thing is I know I can do it, I will do it. It's just really hard to do things when the motivation to do them is not there. I find the end result ends up being a little lacking.
The last big thing, and maybe the reason for this current slide into no motivation land, is our donor IVF process. I finally called the donor agency to see if the donor that we had selected is still available. She is and if we want to use her, we will need to put $2000 down to hold her until we are ready to start in February. I also got a list of clinics in Texas that this agency has worked with. I need to call them all. I need to do research to find out how much it will all cost and the success rates of each. I need to compare them all. I'm thinking maybe I need to do a spreadsheet of some sort to keep it all straight. This part stresses me out so much. I don't know what to ask, where to start. I hate making phone calls and not knowing the right questions to ask. Now to be fair, all the people I have talked to so far at clinics have been so wonderful. They are used to talking to emotional people who don't know what to ask, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable for me. I know I need to do it, that this is what we want, but there is that motivation problem again. I don't want to do it. I'm procrastinating.
It hit me that I am probably slightly depressed. It's not uncommon for infertile people to jump back and forth between the stages of grief. This is all part of our infertility journey. But does that make it ok? Well I'm not totally sure and let me explain that. I'm very big on feeling what you are feeling while you are feeling it. Wow that's a lot of feelings! What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very important to not suppress your emotions. I truly think I have been able to deal with all of this because I'm a very transparent person. People know how I feel. But how long should I allow myself to feel a certain way before I try to move past it. I'm not saying that I should just get over things. There is no getting over infertility, but I also don't want to live my life the way I currently am. I don't like not having motivation. I don't like feeling like this. And since I now have a self-awareness of what is actually going on, I feel like it is my responsibility to do something about it. It's my life and if I don't like it, I'm the only one who can take steps to make it better. I don't like the idea of using our infertility as an excuse to linger in this current state. Is it ok that I'm feeling this way? Absolutely! But now it's time for the next stage.
So what's a non-motivated, slightly depressed girl with a to-do list as long as her arm to do? I have some ideas. But since I think this post is getting a little long, I'll have to tell you in a later post how it all works out. I have no doubt I'll be back to my old slightly more motivated self very soon! God willing...
Stay tuned!
~Tonya
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