A second would be eggs-cellent!

Hi Everyone!! Holy Cow it's been a long time! Almost 3 years since I last wrote a post. I've thought about writing a blog so many times during the last few years, but I honestly felt a little weird. Without going into too much detail, because this is not what this post is about, I struggled with intense feelings of guilt during much of my pregnancy, which stopped me from writing. I just felt like I suddenly didn't have a voice in the infertility world anymore, like I was a traitor to the cause. I've met so many wonderful, deserving people through the years and wrapping my head around the fact that we were blessed with a baby and they haven't been, was, and still is, hard. Ultimately, I've been coming to the understanding that having a baby does not negate our infertility journey.

So, you might be wondering what this post is actually about. It's about wanting a second baby. For many people who have been blessed with one child, the voiced desire and possible struggle to have a second (or third, or fourth) child can bring about a negative reaction. They may hear multiple variations of, "Well at least you have one baby! You should be happy with that!" This always bugged me before I had Olivia and still bugs me now. In my experience, the people who voiced struggles after having one child didn't receive the same kind of support as those who had none and were struggling to have their first. This, added to the feelings of guilt, has been another reason I have been kind of quiet about it all. Shouldn't we just be happy with one? Don't get me wrong, we are over the moon thrilled with our little family, but it's starting to feel like it might not be totally complete.

When we were first married, our dream family always involved at least two children. That dream took a slight detour, but it's still there. We would love to have another baby, but I have no idea if we will be blessed with a second one. I go back and forth on feeling ready to even have a second child. Olivia is two and toddlers are hard. Some days the thought of adding an infant to the mix is very overwhelming. But then I watch her as she grows up and I have moments of such intense sadness because I don't know if I'm going to get to do it again. Will I get to be pregnant again? Will I get to nurse a baby in the middle of the night again? Or smell that wonderful newborn smell of my baby? As I go through all the little clothes that she's grown out of, I wonder if we will ever have another baby to fill those onsies and sleepers. That unknown is making me feel things that I haven't had time to feel in the last few years. It's bringing up some of those hard infertility feelings that got pushed way back when we had Olivia.

Here's the truth. We are on month nine of no birth control. Nine months have gone by without us doing anything to prevent a pregnancy and nothing has happened. We definitely aren't doing any ovulation kits or temp taking or anything like that, but we are not preventing at all. And even though I am a busy mom of a toddler, and I can do a great job of pushing down these feelings, they are starting to bubble to the surface lately. I feel a little more anxious than normal and a little more sad and down. I haven't truly been able to pinpoint it until I saw Olivia with a friends baby, and it hit me all at once. Having another child isn't just about Ryan and I wanting to create that family we originally dreamed of, it's about giving Olivia the opportunity to be a big sister. She would make the BEST big sister in the world. She LOVES babies. She's such a little nurturing, loving, caring, kind girl and it hurts my heart that she might not get that opportunity. She would love a little brother or sister and I pray that she gets one. Part of me feels like she will, but then part of me just doesn't know, and the unknown is making it hard.

So, for anyone curious if we are going to have a second or if we are trying, here's your answer.... I have no idea and it kind of sucks!

~Tonya