Left Behind

I'm in a rut.  I've said it before and I'm saying it again.  I am totally in a rut.  I don't know what to do to get out of it, but something needs to change.  I feel stuck.  I feel like I'm standing still and everyone and everything around me is moving at full speed ahead.  They are leaving me behind.  I beg them to wait for me, but they don't, they keep going.  I just can't catch up, no matter how hard I try.  So I give up.  What's the point? 

It's so weird, I really thought at 30 my life would look very different than it does now.  There are so many days that are just a blur of the same thing over and over again and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.  This is not how my life was supposed to be.  I am extremely blessed.  I love my husband, I love my family and friends, I love my dogs, but something is missing.  I know what's missing, we all do.  But I feel like something else is missing too. What do you do if you don't have kids?  What do you do to fill the time?  I need a hobby.  I need something to do that isn't just sitting on the couch watching TV.  But I don't have the energy or desire to do anything.  It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of.  It's the day to day life that's hard.  Time moves so quickly.  I never understood that when I was little, but I get it now. 

I'm in a rut and something needs to change.

~Tonya

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

Hey everyone!

Mother's Day.  A holiday that many infertile women dread for very obvious reasons.  It's interesting to me how some holidays send me into tears( Hello Easter!) and others don't bother me as much.  As of right now I'm feeling kind of indifferent to Mother's Day.

I've tried to analyze why Mother's Day has really never bothered me and I honestly don't know, so I'm not going to try to make something out of nothing.  I'm just going to enjoy the fact that I'm not an emotional wreck. 

It just so happens that my mom will be out of town this year and Ryan's mom lives in a different state, so we'll probably just stay at home and hang out with our boys.  I guess part of me considers myself a sort of mom.  I am a doggy mommy and I choose to celebrate that this year!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, no matter what form it takes!

Here are some pictures of my 'babies' for you all to enjoy! I love them more than I can put into words!

 "I can't believe mom put us in these ridiculous Christmas outfits!"

 Relaxing with Mommy on the couch.

Kash pouting on a pile of toys (he's an expert at pouting)

Michael. He's such a laid back dog. 

Thanksgiving 2010 Family picture(so hard to get everyone to look at the camera). 

Hanging out in bed 

Kash after his haircut. So cute!! 

"What? It's easier to look out the window from here."

Pooped out from an exhausting day.

~Tonya

Don't Ignore...

Hi Everyone! 

Are you ready for my "Don't Ignore" post?? I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to write about and just now I came up with the perfect topic for me. So here goes...

I'm going to let you all in on a secret that I've never told anyone, not even Ryan. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so bad that it hurts me to see pregnant women. You all know this, I've told you this. This isn't the secret. 

I've gained weight the last 5 years. It happens. I got married, got happy and slowly over the last 5 years have gained about 40 lbs. Now, those of you who have know me a long time would say that's good! I needed that weight. I was too skinny. Yes, I did need some of the weight, but now I'm not that happy with all of it, but that's not really the point of this post. 

I want to be pregnant. Did I say that already? My desire to be pregnant is so strong that sometimes I will stand in front of the mirror and I'll cradle my belly like I'm actually pregnant. I put one hand underneath and one hand on top and I look at it in the mirror and I wish so hard that there was actually a baby in there. It makes me cry to actually admit this. My desire to be pregnant is so strong that I pretend that my fat is a baby. It sounds so ridiculous to say, but it's true. I look at myself and I can picture it. I can picture what I would look like if I was pregnant. I can picture Ryan putting his hands on my stomach and feeling our baby kick. I can picture him talking to the baby. All these things I stand there and picture while I cradle my fat. And then I look myself in the eyes and remind myself that it's not real, that I'm not pregnant, that it is just fat and I try to suck it in and go on with my day. But for that moment, I can picture it and I want it to be real so bad it hurts. 

So, don't ignore my desire to be pregnant! Don't ask me why we don't just adopt. It's more than just wanting a child and wanting to be a parent. I want to be pregnant! I want to feel our child grow in my body. Period. End of story. That's what we want, so don't ignore it!

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

~Tonya

National Infertility Awareness Week

Hi Everyone!

This week has been very interesting but I can't really tell you about it yet. Sorry! Things are in the works! Exciting stuff possibly happening. I can't wait to share it with you all, but for now since I can't, I'm going to tell you about next weeks post.

Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week! It's a week fully devoted to raising awareness and breaking the silence about infertility. This year's theme is "Don't Ignore Infertility." I will be participating in RESOLVE's Bloggers Unite campaign.You will see a blog next week with the title of "Don't Ignore..." My blog will be one of many that will be up for consideration for their yearly Hope Awards. I'm pretty excited about this and I would love to win the award for best blog. I've been trying to think about what to write about for weeks now. Obviously there are many ways to go with that theme... We'll have to see what I come up with.

Leave me a comment below if you have any ideas on what I should "not ignore" next week.

Stay tuned!

~Tonya

Thoughts about the 2012 AZ Walk of Hope

Hi Everyone!

This post is a couple weeks overdue, but I still wanted to let you all know how the Walk of Hope went and share some of my thoughts. I think the day was a success in terms of the number of people there and the money raised. That's a huge deal and I thank everyone who came and supported us in what we are trying to accomplish.

I was very nervous to speak so the morning is a bit of a blur. I was one of three people who spoke and once I got up there I felt great. I really think I'm getting better and better at speaking in public. I never would have thought I'd be saying that. Very strange. Anyway, to be honest, I was a little annoyed while I was up there. As I stood there, sharing some very personal stuff, I looked around and saw people talking. They were having side conversations while I was giving my very short speech! This is one of my pet peeves. I think it is so disrespectful and rude to talk while someone else is speaking. Especially about something so very personal. That was frustrating, but I felt like my speech was good!

Overall, I felt like the event had a very different feel to it than the one in Atlanta last year. I've thought about the reasons for this difference a lot in the past couple of weeks and I'm still not sure I can accurately describe what I mean. The best way I can say it is that Atlanta, Georgia is a very different place than Scottsdale, Arizona. The people last year in Atlanta were so welcoming to me. I really felt like they listened and cared about what I was saying. They talked to me and thanked me for speaking. This year, was very different. I was expecting that strong feeling of community that I felt last year, and I didn't feel it. Now I think there are so many reasons and variables for this difference. I'm not saying that the people who were at the AZ Walk don't care, I just think it's a different culture.

What I've really come to realize is that if it would have been someone else up there speaking, I probably wouldn't have walked up to her and said anything afterward either. I would have done the same exact thing that all those people did. It's an interesting realization and one that has got me thinking that I want to work on being more friendly. I don't smile at people when they walk by. I don't say hi to people I pass. I'm too busy talking to myself (I realize that makes me sound really crazy! Ha), thinking about my own life or looking at my phone, to take a second and greet someone else. The other thing that I've noticed and I think is even worse, is that I will actually go out of my way to avoid people sometimes. People that I actually know! This is slightly disturbing to me and I'm not sure why I do it.

It's all made me wonder if it's true that people in the South really are more friendly and if they are, why? In my very limited experience they are and I want to work on being more like them. It's also made me wonder about our society as a whole. We are all so busy with our lives. I wonder how many other people do what I do and don't even realize it. It's a very interesting observation and something I am going to work on improving within myself.

Here is my speech if you would like to watch it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRCvAC7ZlvY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Thanks for reading and Stay tuned!

~Tonya

The Invisible Pain of Holidays

Holidays can really suck when you are infertile! I wish I could say that I am looking forward to Easter, but in all honesty, I'm kind of dreading it. Easter, like pretty much every other holiday, is very child and family oriented. There's the excitement of coloring eggs, then hiding and finding them. The excitement of the Easter Bunny coming and leaving a basket filled with goodies. Getting dressed up in cute little Easter outfits. Now, I know what the real reason for Easter is, but that doesn't always make it easier. It doesn't take away from the fact that everywhere I look, there are cute kids excited about the day's festivities. It's very very hard for us to witness.

I don't think people always understand the pain I associate with holidays. Infertility is such an invisible pain. It's a pain that you can't see and that doesn't always make sense to the outside world. We didn't necessarily lose anyone, but in a way it feels like we did. I look around on Easter and I see what I thought we'd have. And all the kids and families excited about the day is a very physical reminder of what we lack. I'm crying right now just writing this. I don't want to go anywhere on Sunday. I want to stay inside, lock my doors and forget what is happening outside. I don't want to spend time with family and friends on Sunday. I don't want to watch their cute little kids hunt for eggs! I don't want to, it's just too hard!

And yet I feel bad for even feeling this way. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I feel guilty. It's ridiculous! I feel like I'm going to be judged for not wanting to go out. I feel like people are going to be mad or disappointed if I don't show up. I've tried so hard to put up a good front, to act like being around people's children is OK, that I'm fine, but that's a lie. It's so painful. I feel guilty because I don't want the people around me to know how much it hurts to be around them and their families. Maybe that's my problem. I'm a little too empathetic sometimes. I worry about my feelings but sometimes more about the feelings of everyone around me. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I don't want them to feel guilty for having kids, when we can't. Ugh, it's a vicious cycle of worrying and it's exhausting sometimes. 

I've realized lately that I've been sugarcoating some of my posts. I'm going to try to stop doing that. I'm going to try to stop worrying about what other people think about me. I'm going to try and be more honest with myself and with you all about what's really going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a pretty positive person overall, but I have bad times and this is one of them. 

If you see me on Sunday, please know that it took all I had to get out of bed. If I seem a little distant or like I'm not interested in your children, just know that I do love them and I'm trying not to cry.

~Tonya

What's next?

Hey Everyone!

First, the Arizona Walk of Hope is this coming Saturday and I have been asked to give a short speech! I was also told that I will be presented with an award for "Top Walker" because I raised the most money! Woohoo! I'm very excited about the award and the opportunity to speak again. As you all have noticed, infertility is something I am very passionate about. I want to thank all the people out there who have supported us in any way. We truly appreciate you and there is no way I could be doing any of this without the love and support of all our family and friends! So, THANKS!!

Now, on to the topic for this post. What's next? I've had a few people ask me that lately and I figured I'd just write a blog about it. What's next is that we are waiting. There are a couple of reasons for this, but the one I want to talk about today is money.

I know I've mentioned that infertility treatments are going to be expensive and that we will have to pay for them out of pocket. I also threw some numbers out there, but I've failed to really explain the monetary ramifications that this diagosis has had and will have. The money situation is much bigger than I initially thought it would be. Last year we were too angry to really save money for all of this. I think we were actually rebelling a bit against the idea of saving money for treatments that we believe should be covered by insurance. But then we both started to feel guilty spending our own money! Like we knew we needed to be saving money for these treatments, but at the same time we were angry that we had to save money, so we didn't. It's very difficult to feel like we have to justify spending our own money. After we came to terms with the fact that we were going to have to use a donor and do IVF, we just assumed we would get a loan to pay for it. When we applied for a loan of $25,000 last year, we assumed we'd get it. We have excellent credit and great jobs, but we were denied and they counter offered with a loan of $5,000. Really!?!

After that we decided that we would just use credit cards to pay for our IVF cycle. We looked at what we had and figured out that we could max out all of our credit cards, maybe even get another one, and we'd be able to cover it all. We had some money saved, but most of it would have to go on the credit cards. We would owe $10,000 to the donor agency. The IVF cycle was actually really inexpensive at about $8,000. Of course that didn't include the medication for both the donor and I. That's about $4,000 give or take. Then there was blood work, any fees to my doctors office here for monitoring and then travel expenses since we would be going to Dallas for all of this. I was figuring that would be at least another few thousand dollars. You can see how it all adds up, but we didn't care. We were just going to use credit and deal with the ramifications later. I really tried not to think about the fact that it might not work, that I might not get pregnant and then we'd be in serious debt, without a baby. But, as you all know, the donor backed out and now we are here. Waiting. Trying to figure out a better way to pay for all of this.

I think it's amazing how far reaching infertility is. It really does effect every single aspect of our lives. We don't have kids right now. It's going to cost us a fortune to try to have kids. Does that mean we have to completely stop living our lives so we can save every penny to put towards those treatments? I don't want to do that. I don't think that's fair to us and our relationship. Part of me wants to take advantage of the fact that we are still childless. Now, of course we want children more than anything, but we really struggle to find a healthy balance with money to make that dream come true. I like to shop. Ryan likes to golf. We like to travel. I think we are very good at saving and are very responsible with our money, but then I feel like we are not saving enough, and I feel guilty. On the other hand, I don't really know how we could save up the amount of money that we need. I would like to have a baby soon. I really don't want to wait another 5 years or so to save money for this. Plus, we all know how life works. There are unavoidable situations that come up that cost money. Things like Ryan needing new tires for his car. Is it realistic to think we can actually pay for all of this by ourselves? I don't know.

Honestly, I'm pissed! If infertility was covered by insurance (which is a post all by itself that will be coming eventually), then we wouldn't be in this situation. It pisses me off so much I can't stand it! It's not my fault that I have a disease that has caused me to be unable to have children naturally. It's frustrating that the treatments out there, that will help our dream of having a family come true, are so damn expensive! I think we've pretty much decided that we are not going to ask people for money. It makes us both uncomfortable. We've had some people offer to give us money, or prefer to give the money that I'm asking people to donate to RESOLVE, directly to us, but as of right now, we can't accept it. Plus, I'm asking for donations to RESOLVE because they are working to get infertility to be recognized as a disease that needs to be covered. I can't do that by myself, so I'd rather the money go to them. We are not the only people who are dealing with these issues. There are millions of American's going through similar struggles and they need help too!

So for know, we are focusing our money on the debt that we currently have. We are determined to get the credit cards paid off and I pray that we will not have to turn around and max them out! And we are waiting until at least later in the year to start back up on the process of finding another donor and starting all over again. This is our situation and we will figure it out, but I sometimes feel like no matter what we do in terms of money, we will lose. It's maddening!

P.S. I just found out, after getting our $2,000 donor deposit back, that our donor had a bad experience with the agency that she decided to go to for more money, and is now back with our agency. Ha. It sure is interesting how things work out!

For more information about RESOLVE, go here:
http://www.resolve.org/about/

~Tonya