"You can always adopt"

I hate that phrase. Ok, so maybe hate is a strong word. I dislike greatly that phrase or anything similar. Now before you think I'm some horrible person who doesn't like adoption, let me clarify. I think adoption is wonderful. There are many children out there who need loving homes and many couples out there who would love to have those children. Adoption is an absolutely great thing for many people. I don't hate or dislike adoption.

So now that we're clear on that, lets get back to why I dislike the phrase, "Well you can always adopt."

When I was a little girl all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I loved babies. I never had any career goals, my goals were always focused around having babies. I loved them so much that my first job and the next 4 after it where in daycares. It was perfect! I could get my baby fix everyday at work.

When I met Ryan I was 23 and when we got married I was 25. Based on my previous statements, you would think that we would have jumped right into the baby making, but we weren't ready. We both felt very strongly about being married for a couple years before we had kids. And even knowing all that we know now, I still don't think we would change that decision. But we couldn't wait to have babies together. I was so excited to be pregnant. To have our child growing inside of me. Pregnancy is a miracle and I wanted to experience it.

From the moment I met Ryan I knew that he would be an amazing dad. We even had names all picked out for when we children. It's human nature. You fall in love with someone, get married and then you have babies. That's all I've ever wanted. You know it's more than just raising kids with someone. It's that basic need to procreate. When you find that person you want to spend your life with, you start to picture what your children will look like. Will she look like me? Will he have his athletic abilities? These are things people think about when they start trying to have a baby. And after you have the baby, you pull out all the old baby pictures and everyone oohs and aahs over how much the baby looks like you or him. I wanted that, we wanted that. We are not going to get that.

Sorry if you are now crying, but I tell you all that to maybe help you slightly understand some of what I think about. The emotional toll of infertility is a very hard thing to convey. Unless you have been told that you will not be able to have a baby the same way everyone else does, then you just don't understand. You can't.

So when I finally started to tell people that we were struggling with infertility and the response I got from some people was, "Well you can always adopt" it made me want to scream. Of course I didn't and most people who said that to me or Ryan were trying to be encouraging and truly do care about us. But for us, telling us to adopt was like saying, "Well it's really no big deal that you can't have your own baby. You can always just go adopt someone else's." It can feel like one of the most dismissive comments, like people just don't care. Our lives are in turmoil. We are trying to come to terms with this huge life changing situation and the only thing someone can say is that there is always adoption?

The truth is that people don't know what to say. Infertility can be a very uncomfortable topic for people. And honestly I'm going through it and still don't know what the right thing to say is half the time. I do know that if you have anybody in your life going through infertility, do not bring up adoption. Wait until they bring it up. I've mentioned before that infertility is a grieving process. You can't be told that you can't have a baby and then go, ok cool well I'll just adopt. It doesn't work that way. It takes some couples years to come to that decision. Plus adoption is not that easy. It can be just as expensive as infertility treatments. As of now we have no interest in adoption and I don't feel at all bad about that. We may never want to adopt and that's ok too.

So to bring it back around. I dislike that phrase but I think adoption can be great. Just don't tell us to do it. Tell us that you are thinking about us, or praying for us. Tell us it sucks and that you are sorry that we are going through this. Act normal around us. If you have a question about infertility, just ask. I've been pretty open about all of this so if you want to know something I'll tell you.

Lastly and then I promise I'm done. If you have told us to adopt, please don't worry about it. This is new for all of us. We don't hold anything against anyone. The point of this blog is to educate people, not make people feel bad for something they may or may not have said. We have been blessed with many very supportive people in our lives and we love you all!

~Tonya

For more info about what not to say to someone struggling with infertility go here.