The Animas House

I will never forget the first time I walked into the Animas House seven years ago. I walked in, saw the view and was in awe. But I also walked in and felt peace for the first time in a couple years. We were right in the middle of our infertility struggle and everything was hard. I was sad, angry, bitter and sort of depressed and the overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness that washed over me was staggering. It just felt right. This was where we needed to be. This was why God told me to move to Durango. This was where our story would change. And oh my goodness, did it ever. (click here to read more about the decision to move)

Home is where your heart is. I'm sure you've heard that saying and while it's true, there are also actual houses that have a heart. The Animas House has a heart. It is a very special house. We loved living there. There is just something about the mountains, the river and waving at the train everyday that healed us. It was almost impossible to have a bad day there. If I was feeling sad, frustrated or angry, I'd just look outside and that feeling of peace would wash over me.

And while the house itself is amazing, the couple who own it are beyond amazing. The 5 years we lived there and shared that house with them were wonderful.  They were our first friends here. There were many hours spent in their home below ours, talking with them, playing games, drinking wine and craft beer, and just getting to know them They became like a 3rd set of parents to us. We love them and they made the house feel like home.

We had so many fun and memorable times in the five years that we lived there. Our biggest miracle happened in that house. Our sweet baby came home to that house and lived her first year of life there! Taking the pregnancy test in the bathroom, telling Ryan in his office, laying in the grass outside on a super hot day while pregnant, laboring on the deck before heading to the hospital, rocking my baby in her room and so many many moments will forever be seared in my memory. My heart and soul were healed in that house.

Two years ago today we said goodbye to our first home in Durango, and moved to our new one. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I know that might seem dramatic, but you guys, we LOVED the Animas House and moving out was gut retching. I think I cried more moving out than I did the entire first year of Olivia's life. Ha! It took me a full year to feel like the new house was home. And anytime I drove by the Animas House I cried. I felt like I left a part of myself there. It seems so silly to be so emotional over a house, but I missed it so much.

But God had a plan, as he does, and today we signed the papers to purchase the Animas House!! We've been living back here for two weeks now and every single day I wake up and see the view, I have to pinch myself. It's an absolute dream come true! Watching Olivia run into the yard and wave at the train every day brings tears to my eyes. Our baby came home to this house and she will now grow up in this amazing home! The emotion this brings is absolutely overwhelming.

It's so crazy to think of our story over the past 7 years. I would not change one single thing about it. We are SO blessed and we are HOME!!!!

~Tonya, Ryan and Olivia

 The Train!

 Olivia and Grandma waving!

 Olivia and Paula (the previous owner) waving!

 Just enjoying the view together. 

 First day back! Feels SO good!

Waving!! 

Mommy and Olivia just relaxing in the grass!

 Just got done signing the papers!!!! 

Infertility Take Two

Today we dropped off almost of all of Olivia's baby stuff at the fair grounds for a huge consignment sale that's happening this weekend. I've spent the last week and a half going through all her clothes and tagging them for this sale. It's been a weird, emotional week. In my head I know they are just material things and in the grand scheme of life, not important. But you guys, I'm really sad about it. And it's taken me until this very moment to really understand why. Obviously, it's super bittersweet looking through all the baby stuff and always makes me a little emotional. She's growing so stinking fast!! It's unreal. But, the real pain is the realization that by getting rid of all her baby things, I'm basically giving up the dream of having a second baby. That's a very hard pill to swallow. I saved those clothes just in case we had a second baby. Her infant car seat sat in the garage, because it can be used if we have a second baby. The bassinet, the jumperoo, the rock 'n play, you name it, we saved it. We kept it all...just in case. But here's the thing, I don't think we're going to have a second baby and that kind of breaks my heart a little bit. Olivia would be the best big sister. She's so kind and sweet and the thought of not being able to give her a sibling makes me feel awful. I dread the day when she starts asking for a baby brother or sister. I mean, most of her friends have baby siblings, why wouldn't she wonder where hers is?

Infertility the second time around has been different. I figured it would be, but you never really understand until you experience it. The pain is different. It's sporadic. I don't have the same amount of thought to give to it. I'm busy. I work. I have a toddler. Some days the thought of adding another baby feels exhausting. But what I've realized is that just because my brain isn't consciously obsessing about getting pregnant, that doesn't mean it's not there, under the surface. This is different than the first time. The pain is still there. The heartache is still there. The roller coaster ride that is infertility is still there. I just can't give it the time it deserves, because I don't have the time to give. So it festers and builds and I find that while I was so open, honest and in tune with myself the first time around, I'm really not now. I don't like it because I feel like I'm unable to put my feelings into words. I just can't quite figure myself out right now. It's unsettling.

We made the decision a long time ago that we will not do any kind of treatments again. They didn't work. They are expensive and so stressful. My body was already at a big disadvantage and the recent years haven't helped. Lately my cycle has gotten so messed up that I'm currently taking birth control to try to regulate it. Talk about the exact opposite of what we are wanting! It's only 2 months and I'm hopeful it will be enough, but who knows? What I do know is that combining birth control, with getting rid of all of the baby stuff is making me incredibly emotional and I thought it was a good time to finally sit down and share it all.

I know this post is a little all over the place, but welcome to my mind right now.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your support.

~Tonya

Change is Hard

I had a little breakdown last week. It wasn't pretty. Ryan told me that I should probably go talk to someone. He's probably right.

I shared a couple weeks ago about my desire for a second baby. I have such a hard time describing my feelings about this. I want another baby so badly, but then sometimes I don't know if I want another baby. It's confusing and it's hard for me to figure out, so tying to explain it to someone else or write it down for all of you is very hard. I'm sure I'll delve into all that more in the future, but that's not what this post is about. This is a post about intense emotions and feelings of failure, some of which I'm sure come from the above confusion.

So, back to my breakdown. Over the past couple months I've been in a funk. I've known it, I've felt it but I didn't totally know what to do to get out of it. I haven't been working out, I've been eating horribly, I'm about 30 lbs heavier that I want to be, I'm drinking way more wine than I should, watching way too much TV and I feel as though my parenting could be way better. Basically, I'm being an absolute negative nelly. You'd think it would be easy to just start working out, eating better, watching less TV and stop drinking so much wine, but change is ridiculously hard.

Last week I listened to "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis because she is speaking at the Rodan + Fields convention in September and I wanted to know what to expect. I recommend everyone listen to or read this book. It pretty much held a mirror up to my life and forced me to acknowledge that I was the ONLY person who could do anything about how I was feeling. All of a sudden everything became clear, I was failing at everything in my life. Now, writing that feels harsh and mean and I would NEVER say that to another person, but that's how I felt last Tuesday. I felt like I pretty much sucked at everything. I was doing everything half-assed. It was a slap in the face! Feeling like you completely suck at life is a super shitty feeling! Now you're probably thinking, "Why on earth would I want to read a book that gave you that reaction?" but I promise you, it's amazing. It's amazing because it was true. Obviously, I was being incredibly harsh on myself and I have a habit of negative self talk so that's the direction I went, but the fact is, I wasn't doing things to the best of my ability. Period. That's fact. But with that knowledge, I became instantly overwhelmed. I felt like I had a list a mile long of stuff to do and things to change. It was too much and I kind of lost it. Cue the ugly tears and Ryan looking at me with loving concern telling me I needed to talk to someone because he didn't know how to help me. I was sort of a mess.

As I said earlier, change is crazy hard! You can know what you need to do to feel better, but actually getting yourself to take the steps can seem impossible. That's been me the past few months. I knew there were things I needed to do, but the thought of doing them was just too much, so I didn't. This isn't a post about how I magically fixed my life in a week. Far from it! I have made some minor adjustments this past week though and I'm starting to feel like I'm slowly digging myself out of the rut instead of digging myself deeper. I've realized that little changes can make a world of difference AND that giving myself grace and acknowledging my wins is so much more effective than focusing on the the things I didn't do. There's a lot to be said about mindset and positive self talk! And you know what? Even though taking a conscious look at your life can be so hard and uncomfortable, it's such a good thing to do. Self reflection and personal growth are so important and I believe everyone should be doing a little more of it. I don't think my breakdown last week was bad, it was a wonderful release and reset and now I feel ready to do what I need to do! It won't happen over night but every step in the right direction is a little win toward the bigger one!

I wanted to share a few of my current goals. They aren't huge, but they are small things that are already starting to make a difference.

1. Get up at 6 am and spend an hour of me time before I start my day.
2. Move my body at least 30 minutes a day. Yoga, walking/jogging, dancing in the living room with Olivia, playing outside. Just get up and be active!
3. Drink more water!! Half my body weight in ounces to be exact.
4. Read the Bible every day.
5. Write down 10 things each day that I am grateful for. 10 things that happened that day.
6. Limit my TV watching.

Some of these are easier than others to accomplish but I'm trying and I feel like it's working. I'm feeling much better. Do I still struggle? Of course! You guys, life is sometimes hard and stressful, and I have to constantly remind myself about the things that I did accomplish when I feel guilty about not doing everything! I'm most definitely a work in progress, but aren't we all!

~Tonya

A second would be eggs-cellent!

Hi Everyone!! Holy Cow it's been a long time! Almost 3 years since I last wrote a post. I've thought about writing a blog so many times during the last few years, but I honestly felt a little weird. Without going into too much detail, because this is not what this post is about, I struggled with intense feelings of guilt during much of my pregnancy, which stopped me from writing. I just felt like I suddenly didn't have a voice in the infertility world anymore, like I was a traitor to the cause. I've met so many wonderful, deserving people through the years and wrapping my head around the fact that we were blessed with a baby and they haven't been, was, and still is, hard. Ultimately, I've been coming to the understanding that having a baby does not negate our infertility journey.

So, you might be wondering what this post is actually about. It's about wanting a second baby. For many people who have been blessed with one child, the voiced desire and possible struggle to have a second (or third, or fourth) child can bring about a negative reaction. They may hear multiple variations of, "Well at least you have one baby! You should be happy with that!" This always bugged me before I had Olivia and still bugs me now. In my experience, the people who voiced struggles after having one child didn't receive the same kind of support as those who had none and were struggling to have their first. This, added to the feelings of guilt, has been another reason I have been kind of quiet about it all. Shouldn't we just be happy with one? Don't get me wrong, we are over the moon thrilled with our little family, but it's starting to feel like it might not be totally complete.

When we were first married, our dream family always involved at least two children. That dream took a slight detour, but it's still there. We would love to have another baby, but I have no idea if we will be blessed with a second one. I go back and forth on feeling ready to even have a second child. Olivia is two and toddlers are hard. Some days the thought of adding an infant to the mix is very overwhelming. But then I watch her as she grows up and I have moments of such intense sadness because I don't know if I'm going to get to do it again. Will I get to be pregnant again? Will I get to nurse a baby in the middle of the night again? Or smell that wonderful newborn smell of my baby? As I go through all the little clothes that she's grown out of, I wonder if we will ever have another baby to fill those onsies and sleepers. That unknown is making me feel things that I haven't had time to feel in the last few years. It's bringing up some of those hard infertility feelings that got pushed way back when we had Olivia.

Here's the truth. We are on month nine of no birth control. Nine months have gone by without us doing anything to prevent a pregnancy and nothing has happened. We definitely aren't doing any ovulation kits or temp taking or anything like that, but we are not preventing at all. And even though I am a busy mom of a toddler, and I can do a great job of pushing down these feelings, they are starting to bubble to the surface lately. I feel a little more anxious than normal and a little more sad and down. I haven't truly been able to pinpoint it until I saw Olivia with a friends baby, and it hit me all at once. Having another child isn't just about Ryan and I wanting to create that family we originally dreamed of, it's about giving Olivia the opportunity to be a big sister. She would make the BEST big sister in the world. She LOVES babies. She's such a little nurturing, loving, caring, kind girl and it hurts my heart that she might not get that opportunity. She would love a little brother or sister and I pray that she gets one. Part of me feels like she will, but then part of me just doesn't know, and the unknown is making it hard.

So, for anyone curious if we are going to have a second or if we are trying, here's your answer.... I have no idea and it kind of sucks!

~Tonya

Our Bumpy Ride

Hi Everyone!

It’s been a long time. I’ve been thinking about how to write this post for weeks now, and  I’m still not totally sure how I’m going to say everything I feel like I need to say, but here goes nothing.  

Instead of making you read to the very end of what I’m sure will be an incredibly long post, I’ll share the amazing news first.

I’m pregnant!!! By some miracle, Ryan and I are expecting our first baby in June.

I’m sure you are totally shocked and wondering how on earth this happened. Well, join the club. Ha. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and I still can’t believe it most of the time. In order to really explain the last few months, I feel like I need to update you all on what has been going on since my last post in February.

This year has been kind of rough for me. After our failed IUI’s at the beginning of the year, I just sort of pretended like none of it actually happened.  I didn’t really deal with the many emotions that came from those failures. That’s not healthy for anyone, but it turned out to be really unhealthy for me.

In late February I started having abdominal pain and was convinced I had severely pulled a muscle in my abdomen. I even went to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have a hernia. This pain went on for weeks, until it slowly went away. The doctor never did find anything wrong, but I continued to have random flare ups that just made me feel like I was totally crazy. In May and June I started to have panic attacks. At the time I was still working my second job at the daycare, and it hit me that seeing cute little kids every afternoon was hard. It seemed like out of nowhere all these emotions where coming to the surface. I was miserable and would literally panic as I drove to work. I ended up quitting, and for a little while I felt great.

In August Ryan decided he wanted to do a training hike for a 55+ mile backpacking trip that he was going to do with a friend and I decided to go with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love to hike, but backpacking will never be my thing. It ended up being a 12 mile hike and it was so awesome and so so horrible at the same time. I’m not ashamed to say I cried a few times. When I got home that night I noticed what I thought where a cluster of bug bites on the right side of my lower back. I just assumed a bug had gotten under my shirt and bit me. Turns out that wasn’t what it was at all when I ended up back at the doctor’s office with really bad abdominal pain again. I had shingles!! We realized that all of the abdominal muscle pain that I thought I was feeling was actually shingles nerve pain.  I was relieved to actually know what the problem was, but seriously concerned that I got shingles.  

It was around the shingles diagnosis time that I decided I needed to go back to my naturopathic doctor and do another cleanse. I had gained about 10lbs, was eating horribly and drinking every single day. I also felt like my hormones never really recovered from the fertility treatments. I just felt off in every sense. I had also started to look for counselors because I was really having some major emotional issues surface. I honestly haven’t felt so emotionally unstable in years. I knew that I needed to do something.

My appointment with the naturopathic doctor was Monday, September 14th.  I remember at one point during that appointment we were talking about pregnancy, and I looked at her and said, “I know I’ll never get pregnant naturally.” The minute it came out of my mouth I heard how angry and bitter I sounded. I then started crying and told her that I realized I needed to see a counselor. She agreed that that was probably a good idea, but also suggested the new doctor, who had just started in their office. He was a chiropractor but also a mind/body healer and specialized in kinesiology. She really thought that he might be able to help with some of the issues I was having. I love that kind of stuff so I said I would definitely go see him. Since it was his first week there, I was able to get in right away.

On Wednesday, September 16th I had my appointment with the new guy. I was nervous and just didn’t know what to expect. Never did I expect what actually happened. I walked in his office and we started talking about the shingles right away. I then told him that we have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years and haven’t been able to. He stopped talking, looked at me, pointed at my cross necklace and said, “You know anything is possible with that.” I was so caught off guard I just stared at him. He had me lie down on the table and he started doing all his mind/body kinesiology stuff. I can’t begin to explain it all, it’s weird, but so cool, and if you’ve ever been to someone like that you can understand.  But throughout the hour long session he placed his hands on me and prayed over me like 3 times. I have failed to mention up to this point that while I was a mess physically, emotionally and mentally, I also wasn’t doing so well spiritually. There was a part of me that kept wondering if it was even professional for him to be praying so much and if it was even allowed. The other part of me thought, just be in the moment, be in the prayers, clearly you need to be here. He was an amazing doctor, and I felt so much better after my appointment. He sent me home with homework. I needed to do some positive self-talk, because I was not feeling great about myself and I needed to do some relaxation exercises. As he walked me to the checkout counter I asked him if I needed to see him again and he just said, “We’ll see.” I thought that was so strange. This was his third day of his new practice in a new town, how could he not want to follow up? Plus, I’ve never met a chiropractor who didn’t want to see a patient again. So weird, but I checked out and left feeling better.

The next day I drove to Albuquerque to visit family for the weekend. When I got home I fully expected to start my period in the next couple of days. It never started. Every day that week I would go to the bathroom and for some strange reason I started telling myself that when I started it was good thing, and not a bad thing. It meant I still had eggs, my ovaries where still working. When I stopped having a period was when I was in real trouble.  Until then, all it takes is one good egg. I also started thanking God for letting me pregnant. I don’t know why I did this. No one told me to say that, and it wasn’t part of my homework from the crazy mind/body guy. Although, he did tell me that I needed to believe that it has already happened. That stuck with me, so I started thanking God for my pregnancy instead of asking for it. I also did my positive affirmations in the mirror. I did this every single time I went to the bathroom that week. And I felt so much better. I felt lighter, calmer and happier then I had in a long time.

On Friday, September 25th Ryan and I went for a walk at lunch. I still hadn’t started my period and wanted to get a test. I didn’t feel pregnant.   I didn’t think I was pregnant.  But I wanted to know for sure.  As we started our walk my stomach felt a little upset and I started gagging. I gagged a few times during that walk. I thought I had just had too much coffee that morning and it had upset my stomach. Ryan thought I was pregnant. We got the test, came home and I threw it on the kitchen counter and went back to work. After a couple hours I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to just do and get it over with. I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. As I passed Ryan’s office I heard him on the phone. Looking back I wish I would have waited until he wasn’t booking a cruise, but I didn’t know. I peed on that stick and set it off to the side. It was a plus sign kind of test, and the negative part of the line shot across immediately. I’ve taken plenty of these tests so I’m used to seeing that instant negative. I set it down and told myself that it was fine. Negative is ok. I know how to do negative.  I’ve had plenty of experience with negatives. When I glanced back at the test I saw the faint plus sign. To say I was shocked is the biggest understatement. I grabbed that test so fast and just stared at it. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. Of course I had to tell Ryan. I walked into his office, while he was on the phone, and held up the stick crying and nodding my head yes. He got super quiet on his call for a few seconds, smiled and then continued talking for another half an hour before he could actually react to the fact that we are finally having a baby! It was ridiculous and not at all the way I had envisioned telling my husband, but we can laugh about it.

I don’t understand how or why I am pregnant. I do believe that that doctor helped in some way. I believe that God has blessed with him with some amazing gifts and I was blessed to see him. Ultimately, I believe it’s an absolute miracle and all the credit goes to God. I thank him every single day for a healthy full term baby and a healthy full term pregnancy because that’s what I believe is going to happen.

This is the part of the post I have been struggling with how to write. Emotions are weird, and infertility sucks. I want to make it crystal clear that we are so very excited to finally be getting the family that we have wanted for 6 years. But, I have struggled a little bit since finding out I am pregnant. Guilt was one of the strongest emotions that was surfacing before I found out I was pregnant and it remained afterward. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t get pregnant and that our infertility was my fault, and then I felt guilty that I was pregnant. Ha, I told you emotions are weird. I didn’t understand why I was pregnant when there are so many other amazing, deserving couples, who I have met while going through this journey, that still are not and may never be. I felt guilty that we didn’t do anything. We didn’t pay thousands of dollars on IVF or even get pregnant doing an IUI. We got pregnant naturally and it made me feel guilty. We told our families pretty early, and I was so thrilled to tell them, but then so uncomfortable with the attention. After 6 years of trying, 5 years of actual infertility, it still feels very strange for me. We’ve had a few people innocently say things like, “Oh, you just finally relaxed and it happened!” or “You stopped thinking about it and got pregnant.” These comments provoke a very intense feeling of anger in me and for a while I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. I knew it upset me because I wasn’t relaxed this year! I was a mess. A heathy relaxed person doesn’t get shingles or panic attacks. But moreover, I realized that those comments made it seem like it’s been my fault all along. That if I would have just relaxed over the years, we would already have a couple of children. Comments like these trivialize our struggle and it’s unfair. Plus, it taps into the guilt I’ve been struggling with, and brings it all up again. So for a moment I’m going to be bossy and ask that you please don’t say things like this to us, our families or anyone you know who has been struggling to get pregnant and are eventually able to. Just say congrats and that you are happy for us or them.

I had a genetic blood test done so we were able to find out the gender earlier than the normal 20 week anatomy scan. The doctor called on Monday to tell me that we are having a healthy baby and that I could come get the gender results. I went and picked up the sealed envelope with the gender results in it on Monday afternoon.  On Monday evening we went into Ryan’s favorite fly fishing store downtown, grabbed a pink and blue onesie that said “I may be small, but I’m a keeper” and asked the guy working the counter if he would open the envelope and put whichever onesie applied into the gift bag that I had brought. We gave him cash and stepped outside. We grabbed the bag and went to dinner. We opened the bag before dinner and pulled out a little pink onesie. It’s a girl!!!! We both knew we would have a girl. We are so excited and it is starting to feel more real.

We are pregnant.  We are blessed.  We are so incredibly happy, but infertility changed me forever.

 

Our 8th Anniversary Dinner

Holy Crap It's Positive!!!!

We're having a baby!!

Had to remind the boys

8 week!

On the beach in Cancun

Baby Neuf Due June 2016

Cancun

13w4d

Looks like a baby!!! 

Fun wine labels 

Cheers!

Our baby will most definitely be a Royals Fan!

Going to dinner to find out what we are having!!!

Is it pink or blue?

PINK!!

It's a GIRL!!!

So happy!

Boys aren't so sure about a girl....

15 weeks yesterday!

Merry Christmas!

Sad

The second IUI cycle didn't work. We are not pregnant, yet again. Not really a huge surprise, but a massive blow. I'm taking this negative very hard.

I had such high hopes. I went into this whole IUI journey feeling so sure this was our path. We'd taken a break. The last two years have been so amazing, but I always secretly hoped that we'd get pregnant naturally. That all that bullshit advice I get from people would actually work. You know the ones, "just stop thinking about it and it will happen", or "go on vacation and relax and you'll get pregnant", or one of my personal favorites, "just get drunk and have sex". Well, we stopped thinking about it for two years. Our lives are basically like vacation, we live almost completely stress free and it's great. And we do enjoy going out and drinking a little too much every now and then. But none of that worked. We didn't get pregnant naturally, so when I felt so sure and at peace with the decision to go ahead and start treatments again, I really hoped it would work.

When the first cycle failed, I looked at the timing of the second one and I liked it. I thought it seemed like such good luck. Most people wouldn't think getting inseminated on your birthday would be fun, but I figured if I have to do this, what a great day. I was bad and looked at a due date calculator to see when we'd be due when it worked. I felt so sure it would. We would have been due on our anniversary. I thought that was just so perfect. And most of all, the sweet baby who sort of started me on this journey was visiting us during the second cycle. I had a full week of holding and snuggling the perfect baby and hoped my body would respond positively to that. I just really felt like it was all so perfect and right.

Unfortunately, the second cycle didn't go as planned. I didn't respond well to the drugs at all. I had to have 3 extra hormone shots just to get my one single follicle big enough to ovulate. It took longer than expected so I wasn't inseminated on my birthday, it was on a Monday. Even though the cycle was so stressful, I still had hope. I still thought it would work. It just had too.

Yesterday was supposed to be my test day. They tell you when to take a pregnancy test and then to call them with the results. I started my period on Saturday. I didn't even make it to test day. I have a freaking pregnancy test that I wasted my money on sitting under the sink in the bathroom.

I don't think I'll ever get to use that pregnancy test. This cycle was eye opening. My body is not working. It barely worked with all the drugs they used, and the Dr. agreed that by itself, every month, it's not doing what it needs to do to get pregnant. My ovaries and eggs are crap. I feel like we are back to where we very first started. Donor eggs.

I feel heartbroken, so angry and completely hopeless. I always just assumed that we would have a baby at some point in the future. I always thought that someday I'd be pregnant. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm pretty sure that I'll never be pregnant, and that thought is the hardest one of all, because that's all I've ever wanted. But, I can't picture it anymore. I don't know when I stopped picturing it, but I think it was awhile ago. We do not want to do IVF and we do not feel called to adopt. And even if that changes down the road, neither path is an easy one. I don't know if I want a baby bad enough for the money and stress that those options come with. I sort of feel guilty about that, but then I remember that most couples get pregnant without spending thousands and thousands of dollars! They don't have to make the decision of whether they should save money to buy a house or save money for IVF and the chance at a family. That's our current situation, a down payment or IVF? Screw that!

All this leaves us in a very unsure place. We are putting it all on hold again, but I don't know when or if we'll come back to it. I honestly can't explain to you all how much we absolutely hate fertility treatments. They don't feel right for us. So, are we saying that we are choosing to live child free forever? Maybe. Right now that's the decision. Nothing is set in stone. Maybe in a couple years we'll feel the need to do more, to try again. I don't know. But, for right now, I am the saddest I've been in years and I just need time to mourn.

~Tonya

Results

I so wish I could give you all good news, but I can't. I'm not pregnant. It didn't work.

I'm honestly doing OK. We are sad and disappointed, but overall, OK. I knew it didn't work. When the day came to take the test, I knew it would be negative. There was a small part of me that hoped I was wrong, that wanted to doubt what I instinctively knew, but unfortunately I was right. I know my body. And I'm an old pro at not being pregnant.

This is the part of infertility treatments that is so extremely hard. The constant ups and downs. I started the cycle off so positive. So happy, ready, excited and hopeful that it would work. I know the odds and they aren't necessarily in our favor, but I hoped anyway. I wanted it to work. I was ready for it to work. But as the days went by, the positive feelings died. I tried so hard this cycle to keep them alive, but the closer it got to test day, the more those positive feelings just left me. I doubted and I feared and I was right. I wish I wasn't, but I was. It didn't work.

I had a bad day earlier last week. I was so emotional and I cried a lot more than I normally do. It's been a long time since I cried over all of this. We've come a long way in this journey and I don't get as emotional as I used to, but last week I was super emotional and almost panicky. Looking back I think I knew it didn't work and I was mourning this cycle. I told Ryan that day that I just don't want to do this over and over again. I'm not strong enough to keep doing fertility treatments. They are so exhausting. Living my life based on what cycle day I'm on sucks so much. Sometimes I feel so weak because it's just easier to stop treatments, give up and live our lives childless, than it is to keep at it. I'm very good at that. I succeeded in ignoring and avoiding it all the last two years and it was a great two years. Infertility treatments are so so hard and no amount of me telling you this can make you understand how hard they are.

There is no break. Not much time to wrap your head around the negative result before having to jump right back into it. You can't take a break. If you take a break, it's for a whole cycle and then you are losing an opportunity to get pregnant. I'll be back at the Dr's office in about three days to start another cycle and if everything goes according to plan, I'll probably be inseminated on my 33rd birthday. At least this month I'll know what to expect. I'll be prepared for all the side effects from the drugs and the possible low ovarian response. I'll know what the IUI feels like and I'll remember how much the 2ww sucks. And again we'll hope and pray that it will work, because otherwise, what's the point?

I honestly don't know what will happen. I felt so strongly that this was the right path. That we needed to start treatments again. That we needed to have a baby. After a negative cycle, I don't know what I feel. It completely makes me question everything. Sometimes I feel like I might not want a baby bad enough. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love our lives without kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm fully ready to accept that as our path. I will say that as of now we are not ready for IVF or adoption. So, if the IUI's don't work, I don't know. I just have to believe it will work.

I want to thank you all so much for your prayers, positive thoughts, texts and messages to both Ryan and I. We've received so much support over this last cycle and it's meant so much to both of us. I felt those prayers and positive vibes. I felt calm and at peace for much of this last cycle. And even though I currently feel a little unsteady, I know that there are so many people out there rooting for us and that makes me feel very supported. You're all holding us up right now and we are so appreciative for every single one of you.

So, onward we go. Onto the next cycle. And we will try to be happy, ready, excited and hopeful again.

~Tonya